Thursday, July 13, 2017

cis

Before I realized I was trans, I was offended by the word cis.  It's an ugly word.  Like it's just aesthetically displeasing.  When I came upon that thread on gaia about transgender issues, and I asked what it was about, people in the thread said to me "you are cis".  They were wrong.  They should not have done that.  They should not have assumed.  IDK, maybe everyone who's offended by it is actually not cis.

I first realized I was trans when I was 14.  I didn't know that word or concept.  I had never heard of transsexual or anything.  I had heard of cross-dressers, and I sort of starting doing that (ie dressing as a boy and telling people i was being a boy (like playing a character))  in 8th grade and 9th grade.  In 9th grade, I finally actually faced the fact that I *wanted* to be a boy, but I thought it was yet another example of me being the only one who ____.  I don't think I'm the only one in the world who anything, but I was the only one out of the people I knew who a lot of things.  I thought I was the only one in the world and that it was completely impossible, like wishing to fly, so that year I put it out of my mind.  A few years later I came across that thread and I became a regular in it.  After talking to the trans people there for months, I suddenly remembered that day in 9th grade when I told one of my classmates that I wished I had been a boy but/and that day I put it out of my mind and it was like I brainwashed myself into thinking it was stupid nonsense.  I remembered that time in 6th grade where I thought there was something weird going on in my brain and thought I must be bisexual, because that was the only thing I could think of.  I remembered that time in 5th grade where I wore a skirt for band even though I hated it because I felt like something wasn't making sense but I had to be a girl, there was no choice.  I remembered in 8th grade when I told my mom that I had to get my clothes from the boys' section because the shorts in the girls' section didn't meet the dresscode, and she was looking at me suspiciously accusingly disgustedly and I avoided her gaze and thought there must be something wrong with me, and I remembered how even after I told myself it was pointless to want to be a boy, I still kept "crossdressing" and I wanted to cut my hair short, but my mom wouldn't let me.  and I hate everything, I wish I had known earlier that transgender existed, I wish I had at least been given the option of hormone blockers, I wish my parents would have accepted me as a boy, I wish I didn't have to be afraid to even mention it now.

I still feel offended by the word cis when it's used as an insult.

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