Thursday, June 29, 2017

6-30-17 friday plan

bn 8-10 done
laundry, trash, tc, pack 10-2 tc done laundry started
2-3 dollar tree
3-5 gym
5-5:30 bath
5:30 spaghetti

Hunter dropped me off at bn at 8:30, I walked around the parking lot till they opened, I walked back, directions were confusing, I stopped in a church and asked, it turned out google was in fact telling me to walk through the church parkinglot as a shortcut, and then when I was almost home the people who gave me directions drove up and offered to drive me the rest of the way because it was raining.  present got a little wet.  It's sitting out and I think it will be ok.

I have to start laundry in like an hour.  and I'll do trash and pack while laundry is going.  i might skip going to the gym, I'll decide when it gets to 3:00.

I'm an hour behind on the laundry, so if I go to the gym I'll have an hour for it, which is how much time I used yesterday so that would be enough.

thursday plan

maybe laundry.
and then leave the house.
go anywhere.
don't sit here and watch yt all day.
maybe call nicole.
sleeptime now (3:44am, i can wake up at 12 maybe, and yeah do laundry because that's too middle for walking).

Nicole is busy today.  I didn't wake up till 3pm.  I could go to 10 fitness and maybe get a 7 day free trial thing or I could go to a shitty park down the street.  I don't want to go anywhere.  But I should.  It would take 30 minutes or 13 minutes to walk to 10 fitness.  What would I do there?  If they have it, walk on a track, free weights, inquire about a personal trainer to help with my posture and flexibility.  I need to be home by 8:45, so leave there at 8:15.  Earliest I could arrive is 6:30.  So I'll leave here at 7:00, arrive at 7:30, spend at most 45 minutes there.  It could be that they tell me the free pass was a lie or it's only for garbage I don't want, or they don't have anything I want there anyway.

In the meantime, god I want pop.  Anyway, I have eggs.  I need to brush my teeth and make food and eat it and take a bath and wash my hair and leave by 7.  if I sign up at 10 fitness, it would be 160$ for a year, and you can't do it in smaller pieces than that.  If I have to pay a "premium" price to get what I want, I won't do it.

long-term goals are to lose weight, have non-painful posture, be more flexible, be stronger, be able to run longer.  a gym might help me with those goals.

I need a trainer to help me with the posture and flexibility.  I literally can't do those by myself.

But the others I could do separately.  I can walk anywhere, I can go somewhere squishy to jog, I can use random things as weights or buy little weights at wal-mart.

But for today I'll see about the free pass and ask if they offer the services I want.

bath took longer than I hoped.  now I'm just hoping to leave by 7:30 and have 15 minutes at the place.  I'll have time to use the alleged 7 day pass a few days next week.

I got up to leave at 7:45 and then I couldn't find my keys.  It turns out I dropped them into hunter's laundry bag when I came in from the store where I bought pizza.  I found them and left at 8:00.  I took the short way which included walking across a bridge, but there was a comfortably big shoulder for me to walk on.  The 7-day pass was a thing, but they didn't mention the "and a friend" part, and I forgot so I'll ask about that later, and I did my triceps exercise two sets of 10 with 10lbs then again with 15lbs, but I quit half way through the last set.  My arms feel ok rn though.  Then I walked around to see what kind of machines they have.  I guess I get it for the next 6 days, fssmtw.  So I'll go back tomorrow while hunter's at work and we'll at least be back by wednesday, so I'll get to go 2 more times.  for free.  then I'll decide if I want to keep doing it and also before that I need to ask them if I can pay the whole year at once.  because my mom doesn't want me to give them a credit card number because she's afraid secret charges will pop up.

Going there and back involved me walking 1.3 miles.  So that's cool.  And I feel better now.  I'm going to cook some eggs and put sweet&sour sauce in them and I'll probably eat watermelon and carrots.  and I'm going to open that puzzle.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

wed plan

well I already ate all my calories for today.  I don't have any other food here that I am actually excited about eating, but I do have some stuff I might eat if i get really bored and just want to eat.  I was also planning to go to the store and get some junkfood other than digiorno pizza.

I need to get a surveyor's wheel so I can measure distances.  To know how far I'm walking when I go around the block and stuff, in cases where google maps doesn't know.  I just measured inside where I walk and it's about what I was counting it as, but I thought I was way under-estimating the distance.  I wanted to make sure I didn't over-estimate, and I just barely maybe approximately got it right.  And it takes me 40 minutes to walk a mile in here.  The fact that I have to turn around 200 times definitely adds time, but I didn't expect it to double.  I don't think it's actually half a mile around the apartment complex.  I think it's probably way less.

I found a location one mile away on google.  I can count my steps on that and go by that till i can get a measuring wheel.  And now I doubt the track at ualr, because I do a "mile" there easily in 2000 steps.

walk 2 miles
go to store and get some food from last entry and 1 junkfood.
clean room.
build that one puzzle.

I walked the two miles.  Counted 2500 steps for the second one.  I went to the store and got some expensive fruits and vegetables and some rice and eggrolls.  I ate the rice and eggrolls.  I drank dr pepper.  There's no more dr pepper.  I want more.  It's about to be midnight, we don't have time to go to the store.  It's 11:54, we couldn't make it anyway, and hunter's in the middle of a game.  I will drink from my 2-liter coke bottle full of water instead.  *does so*

I bought watermelon.  I used to always avoid buying watermelon because my mom says it's expensive.  And, like, she's right.  But I think it might be worth it.  I ate a piece of watermelon.  It's really good.  I think I could totally make watermelon be my go-to "junkfood".  at least during watermelon season.

I feel like I need to say something else but I can't think of it.

healthy low-calorie foods to eat instead of pizza

Why don't I ever overeat healthy food?  It's usually more expensive, that's one reason.  My mom bought me some protein bars once and she said she would only buy them if I ate them because I actually needed the protein and didn't just eat them as candy bars.  But isn't that stupid since it would probably be better for me to eat 8 protein bars than to eat a frozen pizza and an entire box of macaroni.

Fruits and vegetables are more expensive per calorie than other things.  But.  I've been buying digiorno pizzas and those are 4$ each.  That's not really a price-efficient food.  Nor is it good for dieting.

They have jicama at the store right now.  I should go get some.  I have carrots.  I need more foods that have few calories per gram.

Thinking about pizza makes me want some.  I had one yesterday and I was planning to buy a different junkfood today hoping to less painfully break my addiction to that pizza.  So I'm not going to get one, but I might get some other junkfood.  One I like is the cheese ravioli, but I don't think they have it at kroger.  I'll pick something they have at kroger rather than trying to get to wal-mart.

I'm going to look up some stuff and add a list here:
pickles 11 (but they are gross and sweet pickles are 107!)
cucumber 16
spinach 23
lettuce 14
radishes 16
green beans 31
tomatoes 18 but they are gross so no
celery 16
green peppers 20
cauliflower 25
onions 40
black beans 339????? wtf????? consult can
pinto beans 347?? consult can
kidney beans 333?? consult can
broccoli 34
black-eyed peas 116 (consult can)
carrots 41
water chestnut 97? consult can
peas 81 (and consult can)
chives 30
jicama 38
pears 48(canned)
grapefruit 42
watermelon 30
grapes 67 (???)
applesauce 42
oat bran (it says 40 cals /100g but other websites disagree.  maybe it's cooking adds water)
soymilk 54
almondmilk 45/240ml
tofu 76
seitan 370

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

plan for today

get laundry at 12:25
buy dr pepper (~1)
clean livingroom and kitchen by 4
walk whenever outside weather is acceptable
clean room
do stupid school stuff

680 150 170 190 190 = 1380
ok I'll that for today prob.
pizza dp(2) total(4) bn fs carrots(7) sf(9) sf(12)

I ate pizza and dp and then sat on the couch playing freecell for 4 hours apparently.  that's 830 calories.  I think I will try to not eat anything between midnight and going to sleep.  Also I think I am hungry again now.  If it's not pizza and shit, I'd rather not eat anything.  I don't have anything anyway.  I mean, I have a bunch of semi-healthy boring food, but no pizza or anything.  I could melt cheese onto a bagel.  Tomorrow I'm going to eat a totinos.  I will eat a different thing every day.  I mean, I'll try to cycle through everything like my brother does.  that might help.  I can have 670 more calories today.  I have ricecakes, bagels, oranges, sf, zonebars, random cereal, spaghetti, rice, beans.  I could make some spaghetti without sauce and I think I'll try putting butter on it?  and that would be about 260 calories.  that would leave 410.  if there's nothing fun to eat idec.  reqd is 170 for now, would leave 240, can drink another dp and that's it.  I'm a do it if there is a stick of butter I can use.  If not I'll have to plan something else.
pizza 680
dp 150
dp 150
reqd 170
spaghetti 190+70

I still didn't get off the couch.  and it's 10:41pm now.  I still just feel vaguely hungry, my stomach hasn't started growling.  Idfk what I'm going to do, except I won't exceed 1500 cals.

Friday, June 23, 2017

friday plan

I walked about 3 miles today.  I am slightly sleepy now.  I could try to just go to sleep now.  I haven't decided what to do about walking tomorrow.  Hum, it's not like I did anything else useful, but I also feel kinda icky about deciding to do nothing but watch yt and walk back and forth across the apt.  I don't have to do it all day though, even if I only walk 2mph, it's still only 5 hours?  Gah that's a big chunk of my day.  It's like a third of the day.  What do I do all day?  Read effulgence, I guess.

walk 10 miles
walk 1/5m every hour after that
drink water
eat 2 protein bars 1
drink 1-2 slimfast things.
eat reqd
eat other stuff I already have
trivia crack
tagalog book / online
clean room

I need to pay more attention to my long-term goals.

I woke up at 2:30.  I tried to go to sleep earlier than usual and woke up later than I did yesterday.  My brain is conspiring against me.  with itself.  Anyway.  I've only walked one mile.  It's so incredibly fucking boring to walk around the apt.  And it's raining a lot outside.  And I want junkfood.  Actually I just ate a snackcake.  Besides that I've eaten carrots and a proteinbar.  I really want to go to the store and buy something entertaining to eat but that's going to be a lot of calories, it's like unavoidable.  The protein bar IS yummy but it doesn't last very long.  And watching yt videos isn't as fun as you'd think based on me doing it all day.

I could just sit on the couch and read effulgence and play trivia crack and watch yt videos and thus distract myself from eating but that's not good for other reasons.  I don't have a basketball so even if I could get to a basketball court (and i could, actually, there's that one under the bridge) I can't play unless I go buy something.  Anyway playing alone isn't that fun.  I wanted hunter to play baseball with me but he hasn't ever said he wanted to, but if I bring it up again he'll say he was waiting for me to say something, but that's so fucking stupid I already said something the ball's in his fucking court now.  Anyway can't do that today and tomorrow at 12 is the picnic that I suggested yet they named it "for whitney" on the fb, and interview at 4:30 and dnd that I don't even want to be playing right after that.  Roleplaying sounds fun but I hate dnd stories.  I hate the "we have to kill everything" bullshit.  I keep hoping for it to be better and it never is.  and numinera wasn't fun either.  it was the same old bull crap.

If I think about getting up to walk around, I think about food.  Things that used to be fun don't seem fun anymore.  I was doing the japanese book while I was at my parents' house.  Maybe I just hate it here.  That's plausible.  Maybe I should give up on college and live with my parents and work at krispy kreme.  I don't want to be living in this stupid place anymore.  Arkansas.  It's pointless.  why is it even a place.

Pizza's a bad idea.  too many calories generally.  what else is there?  the fake meat stuff is generally too expensive, and really it has too many calories too.  because like if I make a bagel sandwich I'll end up wanting more than one.  when I gained 50 lbs that one time it was mostly because I ate chicken patty bagel sandwiches all day.  What can I do instead?  I have ricecakes, that doesn't sound good.  I wish I could do my language books while sitting on the couch just so my back doesn't hurt.  My back hurting is what stops me from a lot of things I would otherwise do.  Sometimes it's not the only reason but it's always like half the reason.  I want dr pepper but there's no more.  could go buy some.  bad waste of money, bad use of calories.  maybe I just feel bad right now because I'm used to eating more than I should.  Maybe if I just do this for a few days I'll get over over-eating-withdrawal-symptoms or something.  I just discovered I've been spelling withdrawal wrong.  I thought it was withdrawl.  hum.

What are foods?  I used to eat different things now it's just pizza and dr pepper.  I liked tuna, but that's out.  spaghetti.  macaroni.  aztec casserole.  chicken nuggets.  fries.  corn peas green beans black eyed peas, I don't think I have any of that.  But I used to always eat those things with something else.  Like fried chicken.  or taco salad.  tacos, enchiladas, softtacos, lasagna, sloppy joes, hamburgers, eggs,

I do have that carton of eggwhites.  I could just make that into scrambled eggs.  I don't really like just plain scrambled eggs, but it might be better than ricecakes.

spring rolls, rice, I wish I could make my hamburger helper, but I'd have to go to wal-mart for the ingredients because kroger doesn't have them.  I'm not even sure wal-mart does.  The one here might not have it them.  I don't want to walk all over in the rain looking for a grocery store that might not have the thing I want.

I could go to the store and get fried rice and spring rolls, but kroger doesn't have my favorite pre-made kind, and I need to not exceed ... well I was going to say I need to not exceed 600 calories but I don't have to eat the slimfast or the protein bar if I find something else to eat instead.  I just need to stay under 1600 calories per day.  and today I've had 325.  and I woke up at 2:20.  idfk.  I need to make my life not just about counting calories and figuring out what I'm allowed to eat and thinking about walking but never doing it.

there's the language stuff.
trivia stuff
sports for fun that doesn't build to anything
there's that list I made in my notebook.
Maybe I should pretend the tv doesn't exist for a while.  not sure what to do about the internet.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

the last ~9 hours

I woke up at 11:49 because nicole called me. Ni came over and then left at 3 something, almost 4.  Then I went to the store and got some junkfood and ate it and I also got some kroger slimfast.  I think that and the zone bars might be "junky" enough to satisfy me and besides that I'll eat some of the slightly boring food I already have.   I have walked 2 miles today.  It's not so much that I'm tired from walking but that it is boring.  I have about 7 hours left.  Also I want to go back to waking up when the sun comes up.  I want to go for a walk outside in the morning.  I might be able to stand to walk a mile per hour for the rest of the night.  But regularly I think I'll need to do the walking in bigger chunks.  idk.  I give myself a couple more days to sort this out.

I know that any weight loss will be good, because I am in fact obese at this point, but if I knew that I would never be comfortably skinny again, I might not bother.

half a mile per hour sounds quite doable.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

plan for 6-21-17 (is today ryan's birthday?)

Hunter has two loads of laundry sitting out here waiting to be done.  I should do one today.  It's one of those things where there's no specific deadline yet but I should generally do it.  I don't do well with those.  It gets dark at about 8:45, so I should definitely start the laundry by 7pm.  I don't feel like doing it now, I'll never feel like doing it, I hate doing laundry.  Even when the washer and dryer is right there in my house I still hate it.

I ate a shitfuckton of food the last couple days so I'm only eating total, carrots, brazilnut, flaxseed for 24 hours, which means till 3am tonight.  So that's 9 more hours.  I haven't eaten anything since I woke up (4 hours ago) because I'm not actually hungry, but I am bored and used to eating garbage so I keep thinking about pizza and stuff.  I've walked like 1 mile today.  I could go walk outside instead of back and forth across apartment.  That would probably be less boring.  idk.  Here I can listen to a video while walking but the walking itself is boring.  but supposedly going outside has other benefits?  or maybe it's too late (in the day) for the sunlight to do its magic.  It wouldn't be too hard to go out and walk around the apartment complex twice.  That would be 1 mile.  idk.  I could also just keep walking around inside.  I need to do something to distract myself from junkfood.  I don't really feel like going outside.  But also I need to walk 9 more miles today and doing it inside seems infeasible because I tend to do about half a mile every two hours.  Going for a walk outside also necessitates making sure I don't look gross because if I do there's a chance I'd be harassed and maybe kicked out of the apartment complex if I pissed people off enough.  I'm already sort of worried about getting in trouble just for walking around.

ok here's my plan
brush teeth
change socks done
put on shoes done
find money and soap done
take down laundry done
start laundry done
bring back hamper done
walk around twice done
put clothes to dry done
walk around 4 times
get hamper done
bring back clothes done
go to store and buy something for to eat later tonight done

actually I'm going to look for money first.

I walked around twice.  I finished it twice in 24 minutes.  I guess that's reasonable.  I'm trying to confirm that it's actually a mile and I'm not overestimating the distance.  I want to get one of those clicky pushy things to measure the distance.  The laundry will be done in 1 minute but I'm all tired and sweaty and not going to run down there right this second.

So when I go put the laundry to dry it will take 45 minutes, so that's not enough time to walk 2 miles, I'd go a little over.  So let's just say I get done walking 2 miles by 8pm.  Then I get the hamper get the clothes bring them back, yeah that does leave time to go to the store before it gets dark, but the problem with that is that just walking one mile was really tiring and I'm sweaty and I don't think I could do two .... I could.  I could do it, but I'm predicting that I won't like how tired it makes me.  Why is it so much harder than walking inside?  Inside I totally underestimate the distance.  I'm definitely walking farther when I do it inside.  I'm hungry.  No, I'm not really hungry, I'm just imagining eating icecream and drinking dr pepper.  I need to go put the clothes to dry.  What will I do while the clothes are drying?  I'll probably just walk inside.  Or go to the store.

I'm afraid I'm going to eat a lot tonight and like ... make up for the time I didn't eat and still overeat.  I need to not do that.  Oh man it's still 8 hours till I can eat anything fun.  I haven't eaten anything yet because eating is itself so boring to me that I usually can't bring myself to do it unless it's pizza or macaroni or something.

to get the miles done that I want, I need to walk 10 miles a day every day starting today.  and I've only done 2 so far today.  I've done it before (like back in 2010-2011) so it's not really crazy, but I'm finding it hard these days because I'm so in the habit of sitting around.  I need to get in to the habit of going for walks a lot, like instead of being like "mm dr pepper", I need to be like "mm walking outside for 20 minutes".

old note, funeral song, home depot, ¿jewish refugees?

at a funeral they played the song "say something I'm giving up on you".  Isn't that a weird choice?  The lyrics don't seem to be about death, but people in the comments of a yt video of it keep talking about people dying.

some home depots are called just "home depot" and some are called "the home depot".  Sup with that?  My guess based on googling is that the store is called "the home depot" and sometimes they don't bother putting the "the" on the building.

my note says "jewish refugees".  I suppose if I'd gotten back to the note in a timely manner that would have jogged my memory.  I googled it and am reminded of the story of jewish refugees being turned away from usa during hitler's murderathon.  I vaguely recall something about jews and muslims being kicked out of spain in like the 1400's.  I don't know why I made this note though.

old note, misgendering, babies

I'm going through the notes on my phone and deleting ones I don't need anymore.  One mentions my aggressively misgendering giraffe.  That's what I've decided to call it even though I initially called it something else, because the new name is more accurate and sounds cool.  My cousin walked up while I was talking to someone else and held up this stuffed giraffe and said "well, I'm giving these to all the LITTLE GIRLS" and I was just like o_o confused and I took it and said "ok" because uh yeah I'm not going to call out even accidental misgendering with this family, I know it's completely pointless, and this was clearly intentional.

What was his goal?  Was he hoping I would protest?  Or did he just want to be like "i think you're a girl, neener neener"?  I already knew what he thought, he didn't need to tell me.  Did he think saying that would somehow force me to conform more than I do?  WTF?  I wish I could ask him.  But asking him about it has the same problems as protesting when he first said it would have.

In the same note I mentioned that I think most people have kids because they never question the assumption that they are supposed to have kids.  That's all.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

not normal, labels

a few people have told me that I really am female, that I am just mistaken about what it takes to fall under that label.  they know a little about my personality and declare that it falls into the female box, regardless of genitalia I guess.  who knows maybe if I had different genitalia and the same personality they'd say I fit into the male box.  maybe they think sex is only based on genitals.  anyway, if they do think that trans people exist but just that I don't qualify, the fact that I don't feel like feminine labels fit me means nothing to them.  i don't understand why.

at least one person has said the same kind of thing about me being asexual.  like I'm not really asexual, I'm just some version of "normal", even though I don't want to have sex and find the idea kind of repulsive.

why?  why do they want to label me as normal, why do they want to refuse useful descriptions, why do they want to stretch words into meaninglessness?

goals for 6-20-17

fridge dr pepper done
mark off number of dp done
clear off livingroom table done
clear off livingroom floor done
pick up trash in livingroom done
clear off kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off kitchen counter done
clear off stove done
(clean stove after buying cleaning supplies?)
sweep kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off bathroom floor done
clear off bathroom counter done
make sure hallway is clear done
empty livingroom trashcan done
empty bathroom trashcan meh
brush teeth
eat carrots, lentils, total, brazilnut, flaxseed, b12, d3
change clothes
put clean clothes in green laundry bag done
walk 10 miles
trivia crack
read an entire book
clean bedroom

Monday, June 19, 2017

goals for 6-19-17

brush teeth done
walk 10 miles (walk around the block at 5pm)
sweep (by 10pm)
laundry (by 7pm)
trivia crack (midnight)
duolingo (midnight)

There are other things that I need to do but I feel kinda poopie today.  My neck is hurting.  So I'm not gonna worry about anything else.

My plan to not drink pop fell apart.  I could try that again.  I'm so used to drinking it and it is yummy.  So it's like when I'm bored and trying to think of something to do, getting pop is like my first idea.  I know it is a bad decision.  It's fun.  I don't want to cut out all fun things.  But maybe there can be fun things that are not unhealthy.  I mean, surely there are.  Pop isn't just calories that I don't need.  It's a lot worse than that.  I need to convince myself of that.  I think I can avoid it for now.

responsible fooding would probably be total, bn, fs, b12, d3, carrots, lentils, applesauce, oranges, grapefruit, spinach, broccoli.  Those are all things I have except I'd have to go buy carrots.  I feel like the day would be really boring if I only ate that stuff.  I think that might be a problem.  I shouldn't be getting my entertainment from food.

Friday, June 16, 2017


Goals for today
two loads of laundry started done
wrap presents
take bath done
pack for trip
brush teeth done
clean room monday
clean kitchen do this later after buying cleaning supplies
pick up trash everywhere some
food?  I should eat applesauce and stuff but I'm thinking about pizza as usual.

I'm watching a video while typing this and someone just said that "melting pot" can sound to someone like you are mad at them for being different.  But that's not what it said, so how can the speaker be blamed for the listener hearing something the speaker literally didn't say.  He said intention isn't all that matters, but I don't think that applies to things you literally didn't say.  That applies to things like calling a black person articulate.  "melting pot" isn't patronizing.  it's inclusive equalityness.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

eventual triumph

A substitute teacher was glaring at me because I asked a question or something, because I wasn't unquestioningly submitting to her, and in that split second before I said anything it looked like she was threatening to hit me somehow, like if I didn't placate her she would come over to the other side of the room where I was sitting and hit me.  So I said "yes ma'am" because I was afraid of her.  That's the only time I've ever said that, I think.  There may have been anotehr time many years later, like maybe if someone who was actually dangerous to me said "yes what" and I had to respond with "yes ma'am" or "yes sir".  I don't specifically remember that happeneing, but I've been in enough shit with schol officials and cops that it wouldn't surprise me if I've said it about 3 times in my life.  But I specifically remember that one.  It's not a thing I generally say because I don't thinkn people deserve that kind of respect.  At all.  No one deserves it.  No one ever.

I wish I had been braver.  I don't think she would actually have hit me.  But she knew she was dealing with an 11-year-old and that she just had to LOOK scary and that would scare most of us into submission.  I hadn't realized by that point that I could leave school, that grades didn't really matter (not that it would really have affected my grade to skip one school day with a substitute).  I had been brainwashed to believe that I couldn't leave, that I had to follow orders, so it didn't occur to me to consider anything else.  I was trapped in that room with a potentially violent person and I did what I thought I had to do to get them to not hurt me.

I wish I had reacted differently.  I wish I had gotten up and left.  I wish I hadn't said that.  I wish I hadn't bothered to placate her.  I wish I said "you want my unquestioning submission, but you're not going to get it," and then gotten up and left.  Walked to the park and hung out there till the school day was over and then gone home.  I wish I said "Why are you glaring at me like that?  What are you going to do to me?  Are you gonna hit me?  If you do I'll call the cops."  I wish I had said, "Why are you glaring at me like that?  Is it because you know you have no rational basis for what you said and you have to fall back on threats?"  Realistically the most I could have said was something like "What?  Why are you mad?  All I did was ask a question."  I don't think I would have been assertive enough to stand up to her to the end.  She would have gotten more yelly.  Maybe she would have sent me to the office.  And I wouldn't have realized that I could walk out of the school instead.

I don't understand why I didn't know, why I wasn't assertive in some ways, because in other ways I was.  I broke rules at home all the time.  I argued.  I did not submit to authority.  But sometimes I did.  Why?

I think it was a time in 8th grade, we were on a bus for a choir trip, and I was thinking and I just sort of realize that I didn't have to do what the teacher said.  She had said I wasn't allowed to change seats on the bus, I think.  and I said to her like "you know, I don't actually have to do what you say."  and she glared at me saying "yes you do".  and I said "no i don't, it's not like the universe will implode or something" and she said "you'll get in trouble" and I said "yeah, sure, but that's my choice.  I can choose to not do what you said and get in trouble.  she laughed.  she didn't care but it was a big moment for me.  Also in 8th grade, maybe later in the year?  I don't remember.  It would make sense if it were later but I don't actualy remember for sure.  (maybe the other thing was in 7th grade?)  We went early in the morning before school for informatoin about volley ball tryouts.  the meeting was in the gym.  when it was time to leave, there was a hall monitor sitting outside teh gym, and there was a door to outside there.  The hall monitor was usually tehre, guarding that door.  if kids came in that door, the hall monitor would yell at them to go back outside and go in the main front doors of the school.  the hall monitor said we had to go out those doors and walk to the front doors and then go back in, instead of just walking down the hallway.  Walking down the hallway would take us by the front doors and then we'd turn left to go to the cafeteria.  i said like "but it's right there, you can see us walk down the hallway, if we go outside you won't be able to see us, how is that better?" and she just kept spouting the stupid rule.  she would not acknowledge or respond to my points.  so after a couple minkutes of stupid arguing I just walked down the hall way and there was some random old guy walking the other way towards me and hte hall monitor yelled at me to stop me so he put his arm in front of me and I pushed his arm up out of my way and kept walking and hten instead of turning left into the cafeteria, I turned right and walked out the front doors and tried to walk home but I got confused because the streets around the scool formed a pentagon instead of a square so I went down the wrong street and eventually foudn a payphone and called home and my dad answered the phone andn I told him what happened and he told me to go back to school (why?  my dad has his own shit to sort through.) so I did because I was kinda tired of walking and didn't want to still try to walk home (and I know now that it would have been a 5 mile walk if I'd gone the right way in the first place, so with my detour it would probably have been a total of 7 miles) and I thought I might get in trouble at home if I showed up anyway, and I didn't really know what else to do because there's no script for it, so I went back to school and I went to the office and I sat in a chair in front of the front desk waiting for somerone to ask me why I was there, and then after a while the bell rang to end first or second period (i forget which), so I got up and left the office and went to my next class and nothing else ever came of the whole stupid event.  except for me walking down hallways randomly to taunt the hallmonitors occasionally.

Monday, June 12, 2017


I vaguely recall times people said something was homophobic when i was thinking it was misogynist.  i encountered one recently.  stephen colbert said something about trump being a cock holder or something for putin.  also he said something about sign language gorillas.  so i thought people would say he was insulting deaf people or gorillas or women / people who put penises in their mouths.  but they just said homophobic.  i mean I guess it could be both?  but i also think that homophobia IS misogyny.
that reminds me of the stupid conservative christian douchebag who hated gay men "because" their existence means he can't platonically hold hands with his male friends without people thinking he's gay.
that hints at something that i actually think is a problem, but he doesn't exactly agree.  the problem is people assuming relationships are romantic-sexual and assuming that hand-holding is romantic-sexual.  I'm guessing he only wants people to assume that heterosexual hand-holding is romantic-sexual.  and he wants people to assume that homosexual hand-holding is not that.  I want people to make no assumptions about any of it.  he also hates people thinking he's gay because he hates gay people.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

some random things from the last few days

bill maher hypothetical slave
bill maher said some stupid joke about him being a "house nigger" and one of the objections that someone had to that comment is that bill maher would have been a slave owner, not a slave.  what the garbage kind of reasoning is that.  It doesn't make any sense really to say what someone would have been if they'd lived in a different time because they wouldn't be them.  if you're just talking about a random white person, most didn't own slaves.  since it's a hypothetical anyway, he can fucking hypothesize himself as a slave, black or otherwise, because it's fucking imaginary.  it's kinda fucking stupid to say he can't try to put himself in the position of a slave, because that's how people have fucking empathy, by imagining what it's like to be in someone else's position.  also, the comment he was responding to was about him being in a field, implying that *he* is the slave, in the imaginary hypothetical situation that that put into his mind -- I don't remember what the actual meaning of the guest's comment was.

calling non-human animals that is racist.
just randomly remembered about some shitty fb group i requested to join once and then they said you have to read some stupid rules and agree to them before joining, so I read all the garbage rules and one of them said you can't refer to non-human animals as non-human animals because that implies that humans are animals and that somehow implies that you think black people are animals and therefore inferior to white people.  stating it out like that makes the illogic clear, there's no other way to explain it.

This is me quickly trying to transcribe some crap hunter was saying:

do you know that episode of south park about teh troles and about how like stan or kyle or whoever was trolling online. we watched teh eepisode the other day and I said I didn't want to see it because it was teh season finale or something. do you remember that? [yes I remember] ok. party of that was talking about how trolling starts. doyou remembger what it said. [no] how the troll starts by saying something really ofensive and riling and another troll responds on the opposite side also saying offensie and riling things so you have these two indiidals who are unrelated to teh movement and don't care but get both sides to fight and hate each other. and the trolles just have to kick it off and teh flame wars propogates itself. i just feel a similar thing happened ... i feel like that happens a lot and south park hit the nail on the head. and i feel like the same thing happened to gamergate. sensible people were talking about htis one thing hhat happened, and people think it happened one way or nother and one thing or another should happen but thrid and fourth parties came in and took over and changed the movement to a different topic and the first two people left. [i disagree about htis history of gamergame]

The information I have about gg doesn't agree with what hunter said at all.  His description of gg doesn't match the general pattern he was trying to illustrate.  Trolls are conservative and they rile up righteous anger.

This is a comment I came across on fb:
"although it sounds embarrassingly White, I love my yoga pants"

what.  why.  how.  how is it "white", why are you capitalizing "white", how is it embarrassing to be white anyway?  I didn't ask the person because idk, it wasn't really relevant to the post and it was just some random person.  How is it bad or "white" to go to the fucking store and pick out some fucking comfortable pants?

Friday, June 9, 2017

bill maher / race is external

googling bill maher to find out what he said that everyone was freaking out about, I found an article talking about another time on his show when he told someone he wouldn't have known they were black if they hadn't told him.  and the person writing the article thought this was super offensive.  Why?  Race isn't self-determined.  If she looks white, she's white.  That's all race is.  Isn't it?  It's not "real", it's just what other people perceive you as.

also i don't see what harm the "house nigger" thing causes except:  some people are triggered by the word, and that's legitimate, they're not just whiny babies or whatever, but people can be triggered by anything.  What kind of harmful idea did he perpetuate by saying that?  Maybe it made people think that slavery isn't so bad, as long as it's inside because then it's not as strenuous, and people are still being kept in slavery today, maybe it helps continue that, but that's not a race thing.

it could be racism

I just saw this video that said that "some white people" think nelson mandela died in prison.  Why only white people?  I googled it but I didn't find anything else saying only white people think that.  But I did find a thing saying it's only white people who think shazam was a movie and it's only because they can't tell black people apart.  That is stupid.  What's the racist reason why people remember berenstein?  What's the racist reason why people misremember movie quotes?  It's just a coincidence.  Also the video said like "if nelson mandela died in prison then he never became the first black whatever and it's just interesting to think about" implying it's racist to be amused at the idea?  But I never thought that because I didn't know he was the first black anything, I don't even remember what it was, I know nothing about politics in other countries from 20+ years ago.  If that's racist, then I'm racist against all races.  Which is nonsense.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

stupid mra comment

old comment from old video of someone saying that women are the ones who can't keep it in their pants.

What does this mean?  Do they think all sexual encounters are initiated by women?  or a majority of them.  Do they think women *attempt* to initiate a lot of sexual encounters and are turned down by serious men who have more important things to do?  like create civilization and hunt mammoths.  Do they think that all/most sexual encounters between women and men are actually the women raping the men?

How do they reconcile this with the stereotype that men are always thinking about sex and always propositioning women and maybe men but that's not really the focus of the stereotype?  How do they reconcile this with men/boys saying they'd "hit it" and blathering about boobs in yt comments and "incels" and the claim that women are the gatekeepers of sex?

You know what, I think it's just compartmentalization.  They at the moment they said that were thinking of those "girls gone wild" videos and assuming somehow that all women are like that, and it's not called "boys gone wild" so women must be the REAL sluts.

Monday, June 5, 2017


so kind of on a weird whim I asked about working on genghis grill.  I don't really want to, except for the fact that I need money.  I was going to take in the apple yesterday, but then pride and bowling and eating at ihop with bhn.  So I can go today, like it should be totally doable.  Also yogurt mountain is hiring and they are nearby but the apple is online.  also did I ask somewhere else?  now I can't remember.  I'd rather work at a fast food place because i more know what to expect.  What do the people at yogurt mountain even do?  Refill the ice cream and candy dispensers?  clean, cash register, counts.  yogurt mountain sounds better.  I guess I'm afraid of missing an opportunity, but also I feel really bleah and don't want to go anywhere right now, and ... I guess I could check out that other guitar hero controller later after I find my alleged guitar hero game that I got from heidi but I don't know where i put it.  I don't need to test it now, we're not keeping the game and I'm not going to throw away the other controllers right now.  I am slightly upset that jason didn't give me his game cube like he originally said and now that he gave me his wii, all the controllers seem to be broken, except one maybe.  Maybe the wii itself is fine and I just need to get new controllers.  But I didn't really want a wii anyway, so if I have to go buying stuff, I might as well buy a game cube, because that's what I wanted in the first place.  So idk what I'm going to do.  With one potentially functioning controller, I could get one-player games for myself.

Hunter still didn't tell me when his mom is coming.

Also I don't know where the receipt for the games is.  I'll have to text and ask him and take the games back, and first I have to fill out the apple and then take that too at the same time, and it will take me an hour to walk there, so I have to get going because I want to be back by dark.

Friday, June 2, 2017


I walked 3 miles just now, and now I'm eating carrots.

all five
both cities
ones I don't care to learn at this time
dallas blue, LR red, both purple, tx/dallas green, ar/lr orange, both brown,

russian is    usa             dal LR
arabic is     usa TX       dal LR
italian is     usa       AR       LR
portuguese usa             dal
polish         usa
hindi is       usa TX        dal LR
urdu is              TX        dal LR
laotian                    AR
japanese                 AR
persian                           dal LR
thai                                dal
french creole

Here's the ones I want to learn, need to order by importance.  i'll come back to this.


french creole


Spanish or Spanish Creole
French (incl. Patois, Cajun)
Other Pacific Island languages

little rock
1 spanish
2 chinese
3 hindi
"other asian"
4 arabic
"other indic"
5 tagalog
6 vietnamese
7 korean
8 french
9 gujarati
10 german
"other native"
"other slavic"
"other pacific island"
"other west germanic"
french creole
"other indo european"


Thursday, June 1, 2017


I'm on lesson 7 of takineko's japanese playlist.

learn all the languages
be skinny
-brush teeth
-finish stupid college
get non-terrible job
obtain children
-be vegan
-get on the high score list of the freecell game
-get all the cards in trivia crack
-make that ap
-write spanish books
-make spanish videos
-read all my books
-play all my games/toys
-finish takineko playlist
-finish japanese book
-finish tagalog book
-stupid school crap

Things I need to do every day forever
not drink pop
be vegan
brush teeth (twice at least per day)
eat a reasonable amount of food in order to get and stay skinny
exercise (walking, jogging, weights stuff, ?)
practice languages

Things that have an ending point
finish stupid college
freecell high score list
trivia crack cards (cept when they add more)
the ap, books, videos
codecademy (except if/when they add more lessons)
stupid school crap
japanese book
tagalog book

I want to have kids.  I wouldn't say it's so important that I'd literally do anything, but it is really important.  A pre-requisite to having kids is have a job I don't fucking hate that pays at least $30000/year.  And probably a pre-requisite for that is finishing fucking bachelor's degree. barf.  I could just do the math one. seems a little easier?  at least then I wouldn't have to deal with bayrak.  god I fucking hate him.  This summer I need to do the stupid theory class.  I remember it's not so bad when I'm doing it, but it feels bad leading up to it.  Tomorrow I'll get out my notes and open the email notes because I think there are some I haven't written down yet.  If I get out my papers it should job my memory about what I'm supposed to turn in.  HW4, hw5, metacompiler, and go take the final, I think that's all?  And maybe I'll read the textbook since I seem to have time.  Oh, and do those other parts of the midterm I think.

So.  Finish stupid theory class.  After that idk.  But I need to do other daily things while working on that.
duolingo 5min
trivia crack varies
(not eat shit)
(not drink pop)
walk/jog/strength training 180-225min
brush teeth 5min
drink water ?
eat healthy stuff (total, bn, fs, carrots, b12, d3, spinach, broccoli, beyond that eat whatever but not garbage, not more than specified calories) ?
And I will also do some other fun stuff that's on my to-do list, but I need to do a lot of theory.