Friday, June 23, 2017

friday plan

I walked about 3 miles today.  I am slightly sleepy now.  I could try to just go to sleep now.  I haven't decided what to do about walking tomorrow.  Hum, it's not like I did anything else useful, but I also feel kinda icky about deciding to do nothing but watch yt and walk back and forth across the apt.  I don't have to do it all day though, even if I only walk 2mph, it's still only 5 hours?  Gah that's a big chunk of my day.  It's like a third of the day.  What do I do all day?  Read effulgence, I guess.

walk 10 miles
walk 1/5m every hour after that
drink water
eat 2 protein bars
drink 1-2 slimfast things.
eat reqd
eat other stuff I already have
trivia crack
tagalog book / online
clean room

I need to pay more attention to my long-term goals.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

the last ~9 hours

I woke up at 11:49 because nicole called me. Ni came over and then left at 3 something, almost 4.  Then I went to the store and got some junkfood and ate it and I also got some kroger slimfast.  I think that and the zone bars might be "junky" enough to satisfy me and besides that I'll eat some of the slightly boring food I already have.   I have walked 2 miles today.  It's not so much that I'm tired from walking but that it is boring.  I have about 7 hours left.  Also I want to go back to waking up when the sun comes up.  I want to go for a walk outside in the morning.  I might be able to stand to walk a mile per hour for the rest of the night.  But regularly I think I'll need to do the walking in bigger chunks.  idk.  I give myself a couple more days to sort this out.

I know that any weight loss will be good, because I am in fact obese at this point, but if I knew that I would never be comfortably skinny again, I might not bother.

half a mile per hour sounds quite doable.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

plan for 6-21-17 (is today ryan's birthday?)

Hunter has two loads of laundry sitting out here waiting to be done.  I should do one today.  It's one of those things where there's no specific deadline yet but I should generally do it.  I don't do well with those.  It gets dark at about 8:45, so I should definitely start the laundry by 7pm.  I don't feel like doing it now, I'll never feel like doing it, I hate doing laundry.  Even when the washer and dryer is right there in my house I still hate it.

I ate a shitfuckton of food the last couple days so I'm only eating total, carrots, brazilnut, flaxseed for 24 hours, which means till 3am tonight.  So that's 9 more hours.  I haven't eaten anything since I woke up (4 hours ago) because I'm not actually hungry, but I am bored and used to eating garbage so I keep thinking about pizza and stuff.  I've walked like 1 mile today.  I could go walk outside instead of back and forth across apartment.  That would probably be less boring.  idk.  Here I can listen to a video while walking but the walking itself is boring.  but supposedly going outside has other benefits?  or maybe it's too late (in the day) for the sunlight to do its magic.  It wouldn't be too hard to go out and walk around the apartment complex twice.  That would be 1 mile.  idk.  I could also just keep walking around inside.  I need to do something to distract myself from junkfood.  I don't really feel like going outside.  But also I need to walk 9 more miles today and doing it inside seems infeasible because I tend to do about half a mile every two hours.  Going for a walk outside also necessitates making sure I don't look gross because if I do there's a chance I'd be harassed and maybe kicked out of the apartment complex if I pissed people off enough.  I'm already sort of worried about getting in trouble just for walking around.

ok here's my plan
brush teeth
change socks done
put on shoes done
find money and soap done
take down laundry done
start laundry done
bring back hamper done
walk around twice done
put clothes to dry done
walk around 4 times
get hamper done
bring back clothes done
go to store and buy something for to eat later tonight done

actually I'm going to look for money first.

I walked around twice.  I finished it twice in 24 minutes.  I guess that's reasonable.  I'm trying to confirm that it's actually a mile and I'm not overestimating the distance.  I want to get one of those clicky pushy things to measure the distance.  The laundry will be done in 1 minute but I'm all tired and sweaty and not going to run down there right this second.

So when I go put the laundry to dry it will take 45 minutes, so that's not enough time to walk 2 miles, I'd go a little over.  So let's just say I get done walking 2 miles by 8pm.  Then I get the hamper get the clothes bring them back, yeah that does leave time to go to the store before it gets dark, but the problem with that is that just walking one mile was really tiring and I'm sweaty and I don't think I could do two .... I could.  I could do it, but I'm predicting that I won't like how tired it makes me.  Why is it so much harder than walking inside?  Inside I totally underestimate the distance.  I'm definitely walking farther when I do it inside.  I'm hungry.  No, I'm not really hungry, I'm just imagining eating icecream and drinking dr pepper.  I need to go put the clothes to dry.  What will I do while the clothes are drying?  I'll probably just walk inside.  Or go to the store.

I'm afraid I'm going to eat a lot tonight and like ... make up for the time I didn't eat and still overeat.  I need to not do that.  Oh man it's still 8 hours till I can eat anything fun.  I haven't eaten anything yet because eating is itself so boring to me that I usually can't bring myself to do it unless it's pizza or macaroni or something.

to get the miles done that I want, I need to walk 10 miles a day every day starting today.  and I've only done 2 so far today.  I've done it before (like back in 2010-2011) so it's not really crazy, but I'm finding it hard these days because I'm so in the habit of sitting around.  I need to get in to the habit of going for walks a lot, like instead of being like "mm dr pepper", I need to be like "mm walking outside for 20 minutes".

old note, funeral song, home depot, ¿jewish refugees?

at a funeral they played the song "say something I'm giving up on you".  Isn't that a weird choice?  The lyrics don't seem to be about death, but people in the comments of a yt video of it keep talking about people dying.

some home depots are called just "home depot" and some are called "the home depot".  Sup with that?  My guess based on googling is that the store is called "the home depot" and sometimes they don't bother putting the "the" on the building.

my note says "jewish refugees".  I suppose if I'd gotten back to the note in a timely manner that would have jogged my memory.  I googled it and am reminded of the story of jewish refugees being turned away from usa during hitler's murderathon.  I vaguely recall something about jews and muslims being kicked out of spain in like the 1400's.  I don't know why I made this note though.

old note, misgendering, babies

I'm going through the notes on my phone and deleting ones I don't need anymore.  One mentions my aggressively misgendering giraffe.  That's what I've decided to call it even though I initially called it something else, because the new name is more accurate and sounds cool.  My cousin walked up while I was talking to someone else and held up this stuffed giraffe and said "well, I'm giving these to all the LITTLE GIRLS" and I was just like o_o confused and I took it and said "ok" because uh yeah I'm not going to call out even accidental misgendering with this family, I know it's completely pointless, and this was clearly intentional.

What was his goal?  Was he hoping I would protest?  Or did he just want to be like "i think you're a girl, neener neener"?  I already knew what he thought, he didn't need to tell me.  Did he think saying that would somehow force me to conform more than I do?  WTF?  I wish I could ask him.  But asking him about it has the same problems as protesting when he first said it would have.

In the same note I mentioned that I think most people have kids because they never question the assumption that they are supposed to have kids.  That's all.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

not normal, labels

a few people have told me that I really am female, that I am just mistaken about what it takes to fall under that label.  they know a little about my personality and declare that it falls into the female box, regardless of genitalia I guess.  who knows maybe if I had different genitalia and the same personality they'd say I fit into the male box.  maybe they think sex is only based on genitals.  anyway, if they do think that trans people exist but just that I don't qualify, the fact that I don't feel like feminine labels fit me means nothing to them.  i don't understand why.

at least one person has said the same kind of thing about me being asexual.  like I'm not really asexual, I'm just some version of "normal", even though I don't want to have sex and find the idea kind of repulsive.

why?  why do they want to label me as normal, why do they want to refuse useful descriptions, why do they want to stretch words into meaninglessness?

goals for 6-20-17

fridge dr pepper done
mark off number of dp done
clear off livingroom table done
clear off livingroom floor done
pick up trash in livingroom done
clear off kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off kitchen counter done
clear off stove done
(clean stove after buying cleaning supplies?)
sweep kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off bathroom floor done
clear off bathroom counter done
make sure hallway is clear done
empty livingroom trashcan done
empty bathroom trashcan meh
brush teeth
eat carrots, lentils, total, brazilnut, flaxseed, b12, d3
change clothes
put clean clothes in green laundry bag done
walk 10 miles
trivia crack
read an entire book
clean bedroom

Monday, June 19, 2017

goals for 6-19-17

brush teeth done
walk 10 miles (walk around the block at 5pm)
sweep (by 10pm)
laundry (by 7pm)
trivia crack (midnight)
duolingo (midnight)

There are other things that I need to do but I feel kinda poopie today.  My neck is hurting.  So I'm not gonna worry about anything else.

My plan to not drink pop fell apart.  I could try that again.  I'm so used to drinking it and it is yummy.  So it's like when I'm bored and trying to think of something to do, getting pop is like my first idea.  I know it is a bad decision.  It's fun.  I don't want to cut out all fun things.  But maybe there can be fun things that are not unhealthy.  I mean, surely there are.  Pop isn't just calories that I don't need.  It's a lot worse than that.  I need to convince myself of that.  I think I can avoid it for now.

responsible fooding would probably be total, bn, fs, b12, d3, carrots, lentils, applesauce, oranges, grapefruit, spinach, broccoli.  Those are all things I have except I'd have to go buy carrots.  I feel like the day would be really boring if I only ate that stuff.  I think that might be a problem.  I shouldn't be getting my entertainment from food.

Friday, June 16, 2017


Goals for today
two loads of laundry started done
wrap presents
take bath done
pack for trip
brush teeth done
clean room monday
clean kitchen do this later after buying cleaning supplies
pick up trash everywhere some
food?  I should eat applesauce and stuff but I'm thinking about pizza as usual.

I'm watching a video while typing this and someone just said that "melting pot" can sound to someone like you are mad at them for being different.  But that's not what it said, so how can the speaker be blamed for the listener hearing something the speaker literally didn't say.  He said intention isn't all that matters, but I don't think that applies to things you literally didn't say.  That applies to things like calling a black person articulate.  "melting pot" isn't patronizing.  it's inclusive equalityness.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

eventual triumph

A substitute teacher was glaring at me because I asked a question or something, because I wasn't unquestioningly submitting to her, and in that split second before I said anything it looked like she was threatening to hit me somehow, like if I didn't placate her she would come over to the other side of the room where I was sitting and hit me.  So I said "yes ma'am" because I was afraid of her.  That's the only time I've ever said that, I think.  There may have been anotehr time many years later, like maybe if someone who was actually dangerous to me said "yes what" and I had to respond with "yes ma'am" or "yes sir".  I don't specifically remember that happeneing, but I've been in enough shit with schol officials and cops that it wouldn't surprise me if I've said it about 3 times in my life.  But I specifically remember that one.  It's not a thing I generally say because I don't thinkn people deserve that kind of respect.  At all.  No one deserves it.  No one ever.

I wish I had been braver.  I don't think she would actually have hit me.  But she knew she was dealing with an 11-year-old and that she just had to LOOK scary and that would scare most of us into submission.  I hadn't realized by that point that I could leave school, that grades didn't really matter (not that it would really have affected my grade to skip one school day with a substitute).  I had been brainwashed to believe that I couldn't leave, that I had to follow orders, so it didn't occur to me to consider anything else.  I was trapped in that room with a potentially violent person and I did what I thought I had to do to get them to not hurt me.

I wish I had reacted differently.  I wish I had gotten up and left.  I wish I hadn't said that.  I wish I hadn't bothered to placate her.  I wish I said "you want my unquestioning submission, but you're not going to get it," and then gotten up and left.  Walked to the park and hung out there till the school day was over and then gone home.  I wish I said "Why are you glaring at me like that?  What are you going to do to me?  Are you gonna hit me?  If you do I'll call the cops."  I wish I had said, "Why are you glaring at me like that?  Is it because you know you have no rational basis for what you said and you have to fall back on threats?"  Realistically the most I could have said was something like "What?  Why are you mad?  All I did was ask a question."  I don't think I would have been assertive enough to stand up to her to the end.  She would have gotten more yelly.  Maybe she would have sent me to the office.  And I wouldn't have realized that I could walk out of the school instead.

I don't understand why I didn't know, why I wasn't assertive in some ways, because in other ways I was.  I broke rules at home all the time.  I argued.  I did not submit to authority.  But sometimes I did.  Why?

I think it was a time in 8th grade, we were on a bus for a choir trip, and I was thinking and I just sort of realize that I didn't have to do what the teacher said.  She had said I wasn't allowed to change seats on the bus, I think.  and I said to her like "you know, I don't actually have to do what you say."  and she glared at me saying "yes you do".  and I said "no i don't, it's not like the universe will implode or something" and she said "you'll get in trouble" and I said "yeah, sure, but that's my choice.  I can choose to not do what you said and get in trouble.  she laughed.  she didn't care but it was a big moment for me.  Also in 8th grade, maybe later in the year?  I don't remember.  It would make sense if it were later but I don't actualy remember for sure.  (maybe the other thing was in 7th grade?)  We went early in the morning before school for informatoin about volley ball tryouts.  the meeting was in the gym.  when it was time to leave, there was a hall monitor sitting outside teh gym, and there was a door to outside there.  The hall monitor was usually tehre, guarding that door.  if kids came in that door, the hall monitor would yell at them to go back outside and go in the main front doors of the school.  the hall monitor said we had to go out those doors and walk to the front doors and then go back in, instead of just walking down the hallway.  Walking down the hallway would take us by the front doors and then we'd turn left to go to the cafeteria.  i said like "but it's right there, you can see us walk down the hallway, if we go outside you won't be able to see us, how is that better?" and she just kept spouting the stupid rule.  she would not acknowledge or respond to my points.  so after a couple minkutes of stupid arguing I just walked down the hall way and there was some random old guy walking the other way towards me and hte hall monitor yelled at me to stop me so he put his arm in front of me and I pushed his arm up out of my way and kept walking and hten instead of turning left into the cafeteria, I turned right and walked out the front doors and tried to walk home but I got confused because the streets around the scool formed a pentagon instead of a square so I went down the wrong street and eventually foudn a payphone and called home and my dad answered the phone andn I told him what happened and he told me to go back to school (why?  my dad has his own shit to sort through.) so I did because I was kinda tired of walking and didn't want to still try to walk home (and I know now that it would have been a 5 mile walk if I'd gone the right way in the first place, so with my detour it would probably have been a total of 7 miles) and I thought I might get in trouble at home if I showed up anyway, and I didn't really know what else to do because there's no script for it, so I went back to school and I went to the office and I sat in a chair in front of the front desk waiting for somerone to ask me why I was there, and then after a while the bell rang to end first or second period (i forget which), so I got up and left the office and went to my next class and nothing else ever came of the whole stupid event.  except for me walking down hallways randomly to taunt the hallmonitors occasionally.

Monday, June 12, 2017


I vaguely recall times people said something was homophobic when i was thinking it was misogynist.  i encountered one recently.  stephen colbert said something about trump being a cock holder or something for putin.  also he said something about sign language gorillas.  so i thought people would say he was insulting deaf people or gorillas or women / people who put penises in their mouths.  but they just said homophobic.  i mean I guess it could be both?  but i also think that homophobia IS misogyny.
that reminds me of the stupid conservative christian douchebag who hated gay men "because" their existence means he can't platonically hold hands with his male friends without people thinking he's gay.
that hints at something that i actually think is a problem, but he doesn't exactly agree.  the problem is people assuming relationships are romantic-sexual and assuming that hand-holding is romantic-sexual.  I'm guessing he only wants people to assume that heterosexual hand-holding is romantic-sexual.  and he wants people to assume that homosexual hand-holding is not that.  I want people to make no assumptions about any of it.  he also hates people thinking he's gay because he hates gay people.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

some random things from the last few days

bill maher hypothetical slave
bill maher said some stupid joke about him being a "house nigger" and one of the objections that someone had to that comment is that bill maher would have been a slave owner, not a slave.  what the garbage kind of reasoning is that.  It doesn't make any sense really to say what someone would have been if they'd lived in a different time because they wouldn't be them.  if you're just talking about a random white person, most didn't own slaves.  since it's a hypothetical anyway, he can fucking hypothesize himself as a slave, black or otherwise, because it's fucking imaginary.  it's kinda fucking stupid to say he can't try to put himself in the position of a slave, because that's how people have fucking empathy, by imagining what it's like to be in someone else's position.  also, the comment he was responding to was about him being in a field, implying that *he* is the slave, in the imaginary hypothetical situation that that put into his mind -- I don't remember what the actual meaning of the guest's comment was.

calling non-human animals that is racist.
just randomly remembered about some shitty fb group i requested to join once and then they said you have to read some stupid rules and agree to them before joining, so I read all the garbage rules and one of them said you can't refer to non-human animals as non-human animals because that implies that humans are animals and that somehow implies that you think black people are animals and therefore inferior to white people.  stating it out like that makes the illogic clear, there's no other way to explain it.

This is me quickly trying to transcribe some crap hunter was saying:

do you know that episode of south park about teh troles and about how like stan or kyle or whoever was trolling online. we watched teh eepisode the other day and I said I didn't want to see it because it was teh season finale or something. do you remember that? [yes I remember] ok. party of that was talking about how trolling starts. doyou remembger what it said. [no] how the troll starts by saying something really ofensive and riling and another troll responds on the opposite side also saying offensie and riling things so you have these two indiidals who are unrelated to teh movement and don't care but get both sides to fight and hate each other. and the trolles just have to kick it off and teh flame wars propogates itself. i just feel a similar thing happened ... i feel like that happens a lot and south park hit the nail on the head. and i feel like the same thing happened to gamergate. sensible people were talking about htis one thing hhat happened, and people think it happened one way or nother and one thing or another should happen but thrid and fourth parties came in and took over and changed the movement to a different topic and the first two people left. [i disagree about htis history of gamergame]

The information I have about gg doesn't agree with what hunter said at all.  His description of gg doesn't match the general pattern he was trying to illustrate.  Trolls are conservative and they rile up righteous anger.

This is a comment I came across on fb:
"although it sounds embarrassingly White, I love my yoga pants"

what.  why.  how.  how is it "white", why are you capitalizing "white", how is it embarrassing to be white anyway?  I didn't ask the person because idk, it wasn't really relevant to the post and it was just some random person.  How is it bad or "white" to go to the fucking store and pick out some fucking comfortable pants?

Friday, June 9, 2017

bill maher / race is external

googling bill maher to find out what he said that everyone was freaking out about, I found an article talking about another time on his show when he told someone he wouldn't have known they were black if they hadn't told him.  and the person writing the article thought this was super offensive.  Why?  Race isn't self-determined.  If she looks white, she's white.  That's all race is.  Isn't it?  It's not "real", it's just what other people perceive you as.

also i don't see what harm the "house nigger" thing causes except:  some people are triggered by the word, and that's legitimate, they're not just whiny babies or whatever, but people can be triggered by anything.  What kind of harmful idea did he perpetuate by saying that?  Maybe it made people think that slavery isn't so bad, as long as it's inside because then it's not as strenuous, and people are still being kept in slavery today, maybe it helps continue that, but that's not a race thing.

it could be racism

I just saw this video that said that "some white people" think nelson mandela died in prison.  Why only white people?  I googled it but I didn't find anything else saying only white people think that.  But I did find a thing saying it's only white people who think shazam was a movie and it's only because they can't tell black people apart.  That is stupid.  What's the racist reason why people remember berenstein?  What's the racist reason why people misremember movie quotes?  It's just a coincidence.  Also the video said like "if nelson mandela died in prison then he never became the first black whatever and it's just interesting to think about" implying it's racist to be amused at the idea?  But I never thought that because I didn't know he was the first black anything, I don't even remember what it was, I know nothing about politics in other countries from 20+ years ago.  If that's racist, then I'm racist against all races.  Which is nonsense.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

stupid mra comment

old comment from old video of someone saying that women are the ones who can't keep it in their pants.

What does this mean?  Do they think all sexual encounters are initiated by women?  or a majority of them.  Do they think women *attempt* to initiate a lot of sexual encounters and are turned down by serious men who have more important things to do?  like create civilization and hunt mammoths.  Do they think that all/most sexual encounters between women and men are actually the women raping the men?

How do they reconcile this with the stereotype that men are always thinking about sex and always propositioning women and maybe men but that's not really the focus of the stereotype?  How do they reconcile this with men/boys saying they'd "hit it" and blathering about boobs in yt comments and "incels" and the claim that women are the gatekeepers of sex?

You know what, I think it's just compartmentalization.  They at the moment they said that were thinking of those "girls gone wild" videos and assuming somehow that all women are like that, and it's not called "boys gone wild" so women must be the REAL sluts.

Monday, June 5, 2017


so kind of on a weird whim I asked about working on genghis grill.  I don't really want to, except for the fact that I need money.  I was going to take in the apple yesterday, but then pride and bowling and eating at ihop with bhn.  So I can go today, like it should be totally doable.  Also yogurt mountain is hiring and they are nearby but the apple is online.  also did I ask somewhere else?  now I can't remember.  I'd rather work at a fast food place because i more know what to expect.  What do the people at yogurt mountain even do?  Refill the ice cream and candy dispensers?  clean, cash register, counts.  yogurt mountain sounds better.  I guess I'm afraid of missing an opportunity, but also I feel really bleah and don't want to go anywhere right now, and ... I guess I could check out that other guitar hero controller later after I find my alleged guitar hero game that I got from heidi but I don't know where i put it.  I don't need to test it now, we're not keeping the game and I'm not going to throw away the other controllers right now.  I am slightly upset that jason didn't give me his game cube like he originally said and now that he gave me his wii, all the controllers seem to be broken, except one maybe.  Maybe the wii itself is fine and I just need to get new controllers.  But I didn't really want a wii anyway, so if I have to go buying stuff, I might as well buy a game cube, because that's what I wanted in the first place.  So idk what I'm going to do.  With one potentially functioning controller, I could get one-player games for myself.

Hunter still didn't tell me when his mom is coming.

Also I don't know where the receipt for the games is.  I'll have to text and ask him and take the games back, and first I have to fill out the apple and then take that too at the same time, and it will take me an hour to walk there, so I have to get going because I want to be back by dark.

Friday, June 2, 2017


I walked 3 miles just now, and now I'm eating carrots.

all five
both cities
ones I don't care to learn at this time
dallas blue, LR red, both purple, tx/dallas green, ar/lr orange, both brown,

russian is    usa             dal LR
arabic is     usa TX       dal LR
italian is     usa       AR       LR
portuguese usa             dal
polish         usa
hindi is       usa TX        dal LR
urdu is              TX        dal LR
laotian                    AR
japanese                 AR
persian                           dal LR
thai                                dal
french creole

Here's the ones I want to learn, need to order by importance.  i'll come back to this.


french creole


Spanish or Spanish Creole
French (incl. Patois, Cajun)
Other Pacific Island languages

little rock
1 spanish
2 chinese
3 hindi
"other asian"
4 arabic
"other indic"
5 tagalog
6 vietnamese
7 korean
8 french
9 gujarati
10 german
"other native"
"other slavic"
"other pacific island"
"other west germanic"
french creole
"other indo european"


Thursday, June 1, 2017


I'm on lesson 7 of takineko's japanese playlist.

learn all the languages
be skinny
-brush teeth
-finish stupid college
get non-terrible job
obtain children
-be vegan
-get on the high score list of the freecell game
-get all the cards in trivia crack
-make that ap
-write spanish books
-make spanish videos
-read all my books
-play all my games/toys
-finish takineko playlist
-finish japanese book
-finish tagalog book
-stupid school crap

Things I need to do every day forever
not drink pop
be vegan
brush teeth (twice at least per day)
eat a reasonable amount of food in order to get and stay skinny
exercise (walking, jogging, weights stuff, ?)
practice languages

Things that have an ending point
finish stupid college
freecell high score list
trivia crack cards (cept when they add more)
the ap, books, videos
codecademy (except if/when they add more lessons)
stupid school crap
japanese book
tagalog book

I want to have kids.  I wouldn't say it's so important that I'd literally do anything, but it is really important.  A pre-requisite to having kids is have a job I don't fucking hate that pays at least $30000/year.  And probably a pre-requisite for that is finishing fucking bachelor's degree. barf.  I could just do the math one. seems a little easier?  at least then I wouldn't have to deal with bayrak.  god I fucking hate him.  This summer I need to do the stupid theory class.  I remember it's not so bad when I'm doing it, but it feels bad leading up to it.  Tomorrow I'll get out my notes and open the email notes because I think there are some I haven't written down yet.  If I get out my papers it should job my memory about what I'm supposed to turn in.  HW4, hw5, metacompiler, and go take the final, I think that's all?  And maybe I'll read the textbook since I seem to have time.  Oh, and do those other parts of the midterm I think.

So.  Finish stupid theory class.  After that idk.  But I need to do other daily things while working on that.
duolingo 5min
trivia crack varies
(not eat shit)
(not drink pop)
walk/jog/strength training 180-225min
brush teeth 5min
drink water ?
eat healthy stuff (total, bn, fs, carrots, b12, d3, spinach, broccoli, beyond that eat whatever but not garbage, not more than specified calories) ?
And I will also do some other fun stuff that's on my to-do list, but I need to do a lot of theory.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

plan for thursday

-oatmeal 150 2
-green beans 60 1
-almonds 170 2
-oranges 100 1
-carrots 30 1
-spinach 30 1
-jicama 250 3
-brazilnut 30 0
-flaxseed 30 1
-total 100 1
-applesause 50 1
cup of cereal already counted

1000/16 = 500/8 = 250/4 = 125/2 = 62.5/hr

applesauce 40min
total 80min
brazilnut 24min
carrots 24min
oranges 80min
almonds 136min
flaxseed 24min
green beans 48min
spinach 24min
jicama 200min
oatmeal 120min

9x25=225min, 225/15 = 45/3 = 15min/hour.  Go outside and walk around apartment complex and see how long it takes and determine walking schedule on that basis.

hunter's laundry before 10
chapter 1 of japanese
chapter 1 of tagalog
some theory?
clean room?
watch switched at birth
trivia crack

melting pot

I just saw a video by christina hoff sommers (youtube recommended it to me, and I didn't know who she was by sight, so i clicked) where she said that "melting pot" is a micro-aggression, so I googled the term and wikipedia said melting pot = white people,

"The melting pot theory of ethnic relations, which sees American identity as centered upon the acculturation or assimilation and the intermarriage of white immigrant groups, has been analyzed by the emerging academic field of whiteness studies. This discipline examines the "social construction of whiteness" and highlights the changing ways in which whiteness has been normative to American national identity from the 17th to the 20th century."

They're using the term "melting pot" incorrectly.  It means an actual fucking mixing of all cultures, it does not mean only white people and it doesn't mean all other groups assimilating to one group.  <-- period

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

what to do

right now I'm thinking like, what do I even like to eat?  All I can think of is pizza and macaroni and i swear there are more yummy foods than that.  I went to the store and I couldn't think of anything and I didn't want to just wander up and down all the aisles.  I haven't been dieting at all the last few days because we went to dallas for a party.  david has a new girlfriend.  i miss his previous people.  anyway his new person speaks tagalog, so I got a tagalog book.  I was planning to study that and japanese today, except stupid dnd.  And when I'm stressed out I want to eat.  But I can't think of anything I want to eat right now.  What did I used to eat?  Idk, i can't think of anything I want so maybe I can just go with nothing.  But I need to get myself to eat healthy food.  oatmeal, cereal, spaghetti, rice, lentils, green peas, green beans, kidney beans, chili beans, almonds, pecans, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, brazilnuts, flaxseed, applesauce, oranges, pears, raisins, cranberries, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, jicama, cucumber, green peppers, anything else?  If I go through that list then that should be like 2 days of food.  Bread.  peanut butter, jelly.  Anyway, I need to go with what I already have first.

I have a pita pocket sandwich.  I'm going to eat that. And then I will probably not work on japanese because thinking about trying to do it while they're here doesn't feel good.  Idk.  I do want to study it.  And I've generally been having a problem with motivation to do anything except yt.


You're a disgusting and bad person for liking that
you're a disgusting and bad person for saying it.
you're the stereotypical gross little boy
you're like the frat douchebro I never used to believe actually existed.
I'm disgusted and horrified to find that you do exist.
and that it's you.
and I am baffled and disgusted by you saying all hurt like it's actually meaningful and important "it means something to me" when I said it was gibberish.  You make no sense.  You sound like a disgusting douchebag troll, because there's no way a person could be that stupid or actually think what you say.

Friday, May 26, 2017


I started three loads of laundry.  Kinda 2 and a half.  But I didn't feel like coming back and looking for more clothes to put in the last one.  All that was left up here was clothes that don't fit me and sheets.  Now I have to go put the clothes to dry.  And as usual I'm thinking about pizza.

I have to take a bath and change clothes after the laundry is done.  I have to pack.  Hunter will be home in about 2 hours.  Then we are going to bn to get some crap for jason.

I'm thinking about coke and pizza, and I'm thinking about how terrible it is and how there's probably going to be junkfood at jason's graduation party and how fat i am and i hate it and I never picture myself fat, I'm always unhappily surprised when I see myself in the mirror.  I know that I will feel better if I lose weight.  Any at all.  I mean, we say lose weight but I mean like being smaller.  It's not literally the weight that matters.

Generally, I need to do school crap and walk.  But I'm not going to worry about doing any of that today.  Hunter wants to stay in dallas till tuesday, I don't really want to because that means more days away from the things I need to do, but one thing I might be able to do in dallas is walk, because it's 3 miles around the block.

I need to pack that one blue shirt for jogging.
swimming shirt
swimming shorts
pants and shirts and socks and blobholders for 4 days.
food for the road.
maybe food for the whole trip.
my phone
cards (4)
my bn giftcard
should I take some books or something?  Artemis fowl, and some language book.  but not the one I took last time because that didn't work.

what now.  go put clothes to dry.  and.  get pizza.

Thursday, May 25, 2017


I've been thinking about pizza for the last couple hours.  The only thing that has stopped me from going to get one is my inclination to sit in the livingroom watching youtube.  I think health-wise, that might not actually be a good trade-off.  But I do also need to save money.  All the frozen pizzas I really like are 3$ or more.  But spending that much on a single meal is a bad idea.  I need to average less than 3$ per day over the next 10 months.  I'm not sure if that's even possible.  I can get spaghetti and rice for cheap, but I need vegetables too.  I'm trying to acclimatize myself to food that I currently think is boring, so like yesterday I ate nuts and raisins, which are on the funner end of the boring-food categorie.  I'm eating kashi autumn wheat right now, but the only reason I can even stand it is that I am totally planning to go get a fucking pizza in a few minutes.

I also need to stop drinking dr pepper, or cut way back on it.

Also, to save money, I should use re-usable cups and wash them in the dishwasher.  Well, that requires soap.  What's more expensive, plastic cups or dishwasher soap?  How bout instead I just use my hands.

I just realized, hunter bought this expensive internet and I'm only paying 10$ per month because i didn't want the fast expensive internet, but it required a one-year contract, and he's not going to be here for a whole year, there will still be 3 or 4 months left after he leaves, is he going to expect me to pay for it then!?  I'll tell him I won't I guess.  I think it's just in his name.  I'm going to apply for jobs around here after we get back from dallas I guess.  I don't know.  Maybe I should put it off.  I have other stuff I need to do.  I feel like I'm slowly climbing out of this particular depression pit.  Maybe I should wait till after I've got everything else under control.  It's not like I'll ever have enough money anyway.

I always think tomorrow I'll be able to do everything.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

wanting to not be fat and out of shape anymore

I made a diet plan where I would start out eating 2500 calories per day and decrease by 20 per week, and I estimated it would take me 4 years to lose the weight I want to that way.  But then hunter complained that was too long to wait (because I said that I didn't want to have sex till I was some undefined amount of less gross to myself) so then I decided to jump ahead by 500 cals, ie start at 2000 cals per day and still decrease by 20 per week from that point.  But then there was a day where I gave up and ate way more than I was supposed to and then after that I decided to do 1600 cals per day, and that's what I'm doing currently.  Plus I intend to walk/job a certain number of miles by a certain date, which works out to an average of 9 per day (and jogged miles count double).  And when I get down to 210 lbs I plan to decrease my calories to 1200.  I hope I do get down to 210 lbs, and that I don't somehow hurt myself by not eating enough.  And I hope that I get a lot lower than 210 lbs eventually.  I've always heard you can lose up to 2 lbs per week without dr supervision, so that's what I'm aiming for.  I also want to increase my strength and stamina and flexibility.  If I do lose 2lbs per week, then I'll be down to like 170 by ben's next bday.  170 would be the least I've weighed since 2011 or so.  I had gotten up to 227, and then I went on a diet and got down to 174, but it lasted like a day and then I started going back up.

I am extremely addicted to junkfood.  I find myself thinking about it all the time.  I know that if I want to maintain a lower weight, I need to retrain myself to eat the healthy food I used to eat when I was little.  But I always feel like "uuuugggggghhhhhh" when I think about it, and even if I manage to eat oatmeal for breakfast, part of my brain is screaming at me to get pizza for lunch.  I ate pizza today.  Often I just eat nothing rather than eating junkfood or healthy food.  I distract myself from food with hours of yt and fb.  Right now I'm thinking about junkfood again.  I don't really have anything junky to eat right now, and I'm also trying to save money, so I can't go buy something.  I'm planning on getting a pita pocket sandwich tomorrow and have that be my junkfood and purchase for the day.  It's a tiny thing, but it's really yummy.  What do I have to eat now?  I have cereal (no milk), oatmeal, almonds, pecans, protein bars (which are yummy), beans, rice, oranges, pears.  And dr pepper.  And water.  I'm drinking water rn.  I've been trying to drink more water.


I'm trying to fight/argue for what I think is right.  But it's really exhausting and probably pointless.  I've kept it bottled up for a long time and lately (like the last 5 years or something, I'm old enough that 5 years is recent -_-) I've been saying things, i started by asking really tiny questions because I was afraid they'd go crazy if I asked everything I was thinking.  The best case scenario is a long confusing argument where the other person says a billion things that make no sense and it ends with one of us just getting tired of talking about it.  I don't think I'm changing minds, it hurts, and no one has changed my mind in the YEARS i've been looking into this and asking people about it.  It continues to sound like gibberish.  So what's the point?  I think I'm going to try just scrolling on or hiding the post or blocking the person if I see it on fb again.  not sure what to do about people I think are my actual friends.  i was ditched by melanie for being too feminist and I think I'll be ditched by nicole for not being feminist enough.

tyler left me because I didn't bow before his religion.

I hate that they get to make me cry.  "they" includes chase from fb who unfriended me because I didn't want to participate in another person's religious ritual.

I said I would do hunter's laundry.  Does he need it today? no, he needs it by tomorrow.  When does it get dark?  After 8, I think.  And it takes about 1.5 hours, so I might have time to get it done and back inside before dark.  idk why i hate it so much.  I could just wait and do it tomorrow morning.  i wonder if we should have taken the more expensive one and got a washer&drier.  but I don't even have money for the rent for THIS place, so i wouldn't be able to afford a more expensive one.  I need to look for a job.  I've been planning to do so after going to jason's graduation party.  but i also need to find out other party dates ahead of time to put the days off i need on applications, although in the past employers have completely fucking ignored that and i had to ask off again.  jobs are terrible.  but also being able to get money sounds nice.  I am all out of money and haven't paid all my tuition.  There's so much time but I don't really do anything with it.  I need to stop that.  What have I even done today?  I slept till 9 and then I watched yt and played freecell and be'ed annoyed at fb and played a little trivia crack and wrote in this journal, and thought about contacting nicole but like how i worry about going to someone's fb profile because i might see that they unfriended me, i'm afraid that nicole is over there (wherever nicole is, probably home) hating me, maybe telling ben how stupid i am.

anyway, i'm a text hunter and ask if laundry can wait till tomorrow.  and then i'm a scroll through fb and unfollow more people, and then i think i will look up switched at birth and be annoyed at what's her face for thinking that mingo was making fun of black people when he was actually literally in fact expressing appreciation for his favorite musician lil wayne, and the fosters, and maybe some other shows.  and i will walk around my apartment for exercise, and probably drink dr pepper and water, and I'll think about cleaning my room but I doubt I'll get any of that done today.


I'm afraid that nicole will unfriend me for what ni thinks is racism and this makes me cry to think about, and then I think about those douchebags i've seen on fb saying I deserve it and saying shit like "mm white tears".  They're evil.  When they say it about racist things, it doesn't bother me, but when they attack people for bs reasons, it's shitty and evil.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017


You know who I hate?  kori.  it weirdly makes me want to misspell his name.  he's here for dnd.  hunter's not back from work yet.  they're all here except russell.  he's usually last because he comes from far away and now he has a job interfering delaying him even more. he hates his job and I guess he's going to look for a different one, but his parents made him get a job.  I generally always hate how fat I am but I feel worse about it when around people.  I feel gross when I look in the mirror and I know these particular people hate fat people so they are probably constantly grossed out by me.  I need to go for a walk.  I have a path picked out that's 1.5 miles.  So if I just do it 4 times I'll meet my goal for today.  But it will be dark in about 2 hours so idk if I can do 4?  That's six miles so really it should be doable in 2 hours.  if I do it all at once, but I probably can't.  At least not that fast.  I could probably do 3 miles.  I did three miles the other day in the village.  I can do it.  But I felt pretty tired and I didn't do 3 more, and this path has a lot of hills, way more than the the village path, so I will probably be too tired after 3 miles.  But hum, I think I will fill my water bottle and go walking after hunter gets here.  Hum, maybe I should take a book with me.  I can't really take malinche with me because I have look words up sometimes.  I'll look for a book.  But I'm not sure if I can walk and read very well.  I'm afraid of stepping on something and falling or twisting my ankle.  I hear hunter coming.  and he's talking to someone so it must be russell.  It is.

a couple things some feminists do that seriously bother me.

Why do *some* people (allegedly intersectional feminists) think it's ok to speak of white people as a whole, some even saying they want to kill all white people, some mocking them for being white, and mock and criticize them for complaining about this?  They say there are more important things to worry about (but if someone says that in response to an issue *they* care about, they recognize it as bs) and that it's ok to stereotype and mock and threaten white people because they're privileged.  It's like they're trying to punish them for the crime of being privileged, but being privileged isn't a crime and punishment is just what assholes call bullying.  They're doing to others exactly what they object to being done to themselves, aren't they?  But they're not just doing it back to the ones who do it to them, they're doing it to *all* white people.  It'd be like a woman catcalling a random man being like "see how you like it" but she doesn't even know if that random man has ever catcalled or supported the idea of catcalling.

I know if I post this on fb, people will comment saying I'm racist.  heidi will attempt an explanation that won't make any sense to me.

Apparently not wanting to be racisted at means I am a white supremacist.

This same kind of thing also applies to men.  Some people do this mocking and threatening of men, and I oppose that too, the same way, as you might have guessed from my catcalling analogy.

Same for not buying the noncept of cultural appropriation.  I call it a noncept because I've never been able to find a definition of it that made sense without being completely horrible.  The only way I can see to implement a world with zero cultural appropriation is to have all tribes (which is ill-defined anyway, because humans originated in africa?) remain separate.  That just sounds like the nationalist garbage that white supremacists blather about while saying that all black people should be deported to africa.  Anyway, if I just take the examples I've seen people give of cultural appropriation, I don't see how they cause harm, or if they do, how the appropriator is morally responsible for that harm.  It also sounds racist to me to say something is only for x people, as if it's tainted by them, like when a boy says "that's for girls!" to reject something.

previous drafts of my thoughts are below:

when people mock, stereotype, or vaguely threaten white people and then mock them for pointing out the irrationality or the evil or for being upset.  I don't buy the excuse that it's ok to stereotype or joke-threaten white people because they're privileged.  They're lumping all white people in together as if they're one person.  They're doing exactly what they object to?  They don't like it done to themselves, but want to do it to white people?  It makes sense to get revenge against someone who actually said something racist to you; it doesn't make sense to get revenge against a random person of the same race.

It's like they're trying to punish them for the crime of being privileged, but being privileged isn't a crime and punishment is just what assholes call bullying.

They say there are more important things to worry about, but people always say that when they want to maintain the status quo.  The typical rebuttal is that it's possible to worry about more than one thing at a time.  We don't all have to only work on the most important problem at all times.

"cultural appropriation".  despite months of reading articles and blog posts and asking people who believe it's a problem about it, i still don't have an actual definition or an explanation of the harm it causes or an explanation of how the "appropriator" would be morally responsible for that harm.

Why do *some* people (allegedly intersectional feminists) think it's ok to speak of white people as a whole, some even saying they want to kill all white people, some mocking them for being white, and mock and criticize them for complaining about this?  They say there are more important things to worry about (but if someone says that in response to an issue *they* care about, they recognize it as bs) and that it's ok to stereotype and mock and threaten white people because they're privileged.  It's like they're trying to punish them for the crime of being privileged, but being privileged isn't a crime and punishment is just what assholes call bullying.  They're doing to others exactly what they object to being done to themselves, aren't they?  But they're not just doing it back to the ones who do it to them, they're doing it to *all* white people.  It'd be like a woman catcalling a random man being like "see how you like it" but she doesn't even know if that random man has ever catcalled or supported the idea of catcalling.

Monday, May 22, 2017

assorted thoughts

I've yet to see an example of "cultural appropriation" given that I even thought it was remotely plausible it was morally wrong or led to negative consequence the "appropriator" would be morally responsible for.  Also the concept isn't clearly defined by anyone ever.  Is eating at genghis grill cultural appropriation?  Does it hurt someone because of that?

Fear feels like heat.  And kind of tingly?

I'm often afraid that someone, like someone who lives in this building, or a random person I see outside, will arbitrarily be offended by something I'm wearing or I'll accidentally look at them in a way they don't like, and they'll attack me, and I won't be able to defend myself.  I'm afraid the person downstairs who has banged on the door a few times will break in with a gun and kill me.  I'm afraid to go near the door for a few hours after every time he does it, and therefore I can't go outside, and I'm afraid he's mad at me for walking around my apartment, but I need exercise, I can't just sit on the couch all the time.

Why does it feel like exercise would take up my entire day?  Oh one reason is probably that most of my day is already taken up by facebook.  If I cut that out I'd have a lot more time.  There's about 15 hours a day.  The walking I want to do would probably take no more than 4.

I've been sitting on this garbage couch for an hour because of that downstairs douchebag.  Fuck him.

I keep thinking there's something special about may 22nd.

I also don't think I'm morally obligated to not walk around my fucking apartment, even if the downstairs douchebag can hear me walking and is annoyed by it.  I can hear the people next door on both sides playing music and yelling at each other.  He should just fucking get used to it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

stress ramble

I need to walk because exercise, and I want yummy food, but I need to save money, and I need to not overeat.  I'm thinking, maybe I could go to the store and get something really cheap.  But I also need to get used to eating more um boring food.  I remember liking it in the past.  So if I ween myself off of junkfood, will I crave greenbeans again?  I'm tempted to go to the store and look around for something yummy that costs less than $3.  I'm thinking about spaghettios, but really they're not that good.  I think bread and hashbrown patties would exceed $3.  idk what else there is, but I could go look around, but I'm afraid that if i go there i'll just end up getting something more expensive.  Also I need to walk more today.  It's definitely better to just eat food I already have here.  Maybe I should just go take a bath and then I'll get hungry enough to just eat oatmeal or something, and I need to do dishes.  I haven't really been doing anything except trying to distract myself from eating by playing freecell and watching degrassi and random videos.  i can't focus enough to watch switched at birth or the fosters right now.  I hope they are still there.  I need to download something for school, it might be too late.

I keep thinking that if I can get some yummy food it will satisfy something and then I won't be stressed out anymore and then I can focus on the things I want to do long-term.  But I need to remind myself that food does not actually eliminate stress.  It just ends up making it worse.  Unless you're actually hungry, but I'm talking about eating when not hungry.

all the wrong turns

I'm 30, and I have an associate's degree, but most people seem to disregard that.  They think that if you don't have a bachelor's degree, you're a complete garbage failure.  I don't have a bachelor's degree.  I think a lot about the problems I've had trying to finish college, and there's a few points where I think if I or my parents had just changed one thing I could have had a significantly better outcome by now.

The first, most significant change I wish for is to have homeschooled from the beginning instead of going to kindergarten.  I went to daycare for 4 years before kindergarten.  I don't know why my mom sent me to daycare when we lived in austin, because I thought my dad's work schedule was opposite my mom's. Maybe he worked during the day back then, or maybe he thought I'd be too loud and he needed to sleep, or maybe they thought a sleeping parent wasn't enough supervision for a 3-5-year-old.  But once I was 5 I started playing outside by myself for hours, sometimes I went an entire day without even seeing my parents.  When I was 6 or so, I started being left alone home for a couple of hours sometimes.  When I started taking the bus home, sometimes I'd be alone for a while after my dad left and before my mom got home.  So, even if my parents wanted me to go to kindergarten, so they could use it as daycare, there would have been a point at which they probably would have been ok with me just staying home.  The earlier the better.  I was interested in math and my mom gave me some of her old math workbooks.  I would happily have done those and read other nonfiction books instead of going to school if I'd been given the chance.  That was in 5th grade, and 5th grade was one of the worst school years.  It's hard to say if 5th or 7th was worse, but they are the top two.  We didn't have videogames, which is what people are always afraid kids will spend all their time on if they don't have to go to school.  In VA, we didn't have a playground, so my outside time was spent riding my bike or skating.  I watched tv and I read a lot of fiction.  And I did those math books my mom gave me.  I think if I'd been told "you get to do school at home now", I would have sought more educational material.  I did it anyway, even though I had to go to school, and the stuff I chose was always more interesting than the school crap.  So, either being homeschooled from age 5, or switching to homeschooling at literally any point before I did would have been an improvement.  I switched to homeschooling in 11th grade, but I think it was kinda too late to matter at that point.

When I was 15, I wanted to apply to TAMS, texas academy of math and science.  But my mom said she talked to my dad about it and they decided they weren't ready for me to leave home.  I thought, "who gives a fuck if YOU'RE ready?  it's MY life.  I'm the one who has to suffer for your decision.  And you fucking hate me, we don't spend time together, so why on earth do you fucking care if I leave????"  I didn't get an answer to that question.  I don't think I asked it.  I still can't fathom why my parents would give a shit if I'm in their house or in a dorm.  The only thing I can think of is they wanted to assert ownership over me?  or they thought they were *supposed* to care so they pretended to?  I don't know if I would have succeeded at tams, but I should have been allowed the chance to try.

In 11th grade, I switched to homeschooling because I was suspended from school for 40 days, and they said I had to go to an alternative school and the 40 days wouldn't start counting down until I started attending that other school.  The alternative school, the name of which I used to know but now can't remember, didn't offer most of the classes I was taking because I was in honors/AP stuff, doing the distinguished achievement graduation plan.  I found the whole thing ridiculous so I switched to homeschooling.  In january of the 11th grade I started taking "dual credit" college classes at community college.  At some point before 12th grade started, my mom said she was thinking about moving to dallas because it would be closer to her job.  Her current commute was 45 minutes.  I happily said "yes let's do that!  then I can go to a school in dallas and do their DA plan and just graduate high school a year late!"  but with no explanation my mom decided not to move to dallas after all.  Did she even consider my desires?  Maybe she considered them and decide not to move because she hated me and wanted me to suffer.

After I "graduated" from homeschooling, I got a scholarship to tarleton, because I won a math competition at the community college.  When I went to the orientation in the summer, I started realizing I really didn't want to do this at all.  I wanted to keep going to community college instead, or just go off somewhere random and get a random minimum wage job.  My mom yelled me into going to tarleton anyway.  She said "you're too smart not to go to college."  I said there are people in her own family (her siblings) who are smart and didn't go to college and are successful, but she didn't find that persuasive.  She just yelled at me (this was over the phone, I called her while I was at the orientation to tell her I didn't want to go here after all) until I agreed to go.  I'm not sure what I could have done here.  I mean, my mom could have listened to me and come to pick me up and let me just live with her and go to community college again, but she didn't want to agree to that.  What if I'd just refused to go to tarleton?  Would she have kicked me out of the house?  Would she really be that opposed to community college?

My first year at tarleton was almost basically a complete failure.  I signed up for 18 credits in the fall and then 12 in the spring.  I dropped 17 in the fall, leaving on the freshman honors seminar (one of the requirements for the scholarship) which I got an A in, because it was easy and only met once a week and required only about 30 minutes of work outside of class per week.  In the spring, I dropped 3 hours, thus using up all my drops, failed 7 hours and got an A in the 2-hour archery class.  After all that nonsense, my mom seemed to have come to her senses and didn't object when I was talking about going to community college again, BUT after I'd told her excitedly about my plan to return to CC and how great that would be because when I went there before I got A's in 8 out of 10 classes I took, and I got a B and a C in the other two, and doesn't that just bode well compared to 6 W's, 2 F's and 2 A's? she finally said "there's something that might mess up your plans.  We're moving to arkansas."  And I was like WTF why didn't you ever tell me about this before?  why didn't you mention you were THINKING about moving?  why didn't you tell me as soon as you decided?  I wanted to stay in fort worth where my friends were, and I wanted to follow through on my CC plan.  I found someone to live with, but after 1 day it proved to be too stressful, and I moved to arkansas with my parents anyway.  And my dad hated me for it.  He complained for years about how it wasn't supposed to be this crowded (4 people instead of 3) and my room was supposed to be an extra room for them to use however they wanted.  (That happened again when we moved to dallas, for a different reason.  I wasn't expecting to live with them, but then I did, and my dad complained about it, and complained that me and my brother were adults and wouldn't gtfo all the time for years.)  My mom later said she wishes she hadn't moved to arkansas.  So we both would have been happier to stay in fort worth and I could have gone to TCC.  I already had 34 credits.  It would have taken me maybe one more year to finish an associate's degree.

But we moved to arkansas.  I signed up for classes at ualr, where my mom was teaching.  I got 3 A's and 1 B.  But I was really miserable there.  I had no friends.  My mom wouldn't let me go anywhere.  Then I went back to tarleton the next semester.  It was better, I did better in classes that time, I enjoyed myself more than in arkansas, but it went downhill.  I think school-wise, it would have been better to stay at ualr.  (i did two more semesters at ualr mixed in there, though, and my grades at ualr were better, but I was depressed and at all the time and gained about 50 lbs and got up to 227.)  By the time we moved to dallas, in 2011, i'd exceeded the number of attempted hours you're allowed at in-state tuition prices, so if I'd gone to school in texas it would have cost a fuckton.  Like twice as much as before.  in 2012, I almost decided to go back to tarleton anyway, even though it would cost a lot more, but then I didn't for some reason.  Like, there was a particular reason that made me change my mind, but I can't remember what it was.

So I went back to ualr again, and lived in a dorm, because my parents weren't there anymore.  I spent the next 5 years being depressed and failing most of my classes and I took two semesters off somewhere in there due to overwhelming depression and hating school, and now here we are I'm still doing the same thing, except now I'm living in an apartment with hunter.  I am closer to graduating, but it still seems impossibly far off.

I think the last point at which I could have pulled this out of the garbage shoot is 2007, when I went back to tarleton.  If I hadn't done that, I think it would have been better in the long run.

It would have been better still if my mom hadn't take the job in arkansas.

It would have been even better still if I'd never gone to tarleton in the first place.

And before that, the possible change was homeschooling.  It's harder to predict where that would have led though.

Monday, May 8, 2017

23597820 12151919 1612114

starting # of calories = x
(x = current weight in lbs x10?)
decrease by 3 or 2 per day, 20 per week.
500 cals per day.  um.  hm.  1 mile = current weight x.3 (250x.3=75 need walk 500/75 miles, so 500/(250*.3) ie 500/(current weight * .3) ie 5000/3/weight.
So 1667/current weight gives the number of miles per day that I need to walk.
5000/3/weight = 7, weight = 5000/21 = 238   499.8
5000/24 = 208   499.2
5000/27 = 186   502.2
5000/30 = 166   498
5000/33 = 152   501.6
5000/36 = 138   496.8
5000/39 = 128   499.2
5000/42 = 120.  120*.3= 36*14 = 504
I'm down to 248 now.
This is second week.  started sunday may 7th.
01 250 jogging counts double.  decrease cals 3 or 2 per day.
02 248 49/w 1980/d ~= 13797/w
03 246 49/w 1960/d = 13657/w
04 244 49/w 1940/d = 13517/w
05 242 49/w 1920/d = 13377/w
06 240 49/w 1900/d = 13237/w
07 238 56/w 1880/d = 13097/w
08 236 56/w 1860/d = 12957/w
09 234 56/w 1840/d = 12817/w
10 232 56/w 1820/d = 12677/w
11 230 56/w 1800/d = 12537/w
12 228 56/w 1780/d = 12397/w
13 226 56/w 1760/d = 12257/w Here's about the 4th time I thought I was fat.
14 224 56/w 1740/d = 12117/w
15 222 56/w 1720/d = 11977/w
16 220 56/w 1700/d = 11837/w (start of fall semester)
17 218 56/w 1680/d = 11697/w
18 216 56/w 1660/d = 11557/w
19 214 56/w 1640/d = 11417/w
20 212 56/w 1620/d = 11277/w
21 210 56/w 1600/d = 11137/w
22 208 63/w 1580/d = 10997/w
23 206 63/w 1560/d = 10857/w
24 204 63/w 1540/d = 10717/w
25 202 63/w 1520/d = 10577/w
26 200 63/w 1500/d = 10437/w
27 198 63/w 1480/d = 10297/w
28 196 63/w 1460/d = 10157/w
29 194 63/w 1440/d = 10017/w
30 192 63/w 1420/d = 09877/w
31 190 63/w 1400/d = 09737/w Here I will be out of "obese" categorie.
32 188 63/w 1380/d = 09597/w
33 186 63/w 1360/d = 09457/w
34 184 70/w 1340/d = 09317/w
35 182 70/w 1320/d = 09177/w
36 180 70/w 1300/d = 09037/w Here's about the 3rd time I thought I was fat.
37 178 70/w 1280/d = 08897/w
38 176 70/w 1260/d = 08757/w
39 174 70/w 1240/d = 08617/w
40 172 70/w 1220/d = 08477/w
41 170 70/w 1200/d = 08400/w Cut off here and just stay at 1200.  so would take another year.

42 168 70/w 1200/d = 08400 /w
43 167 70/w "" Here's the 2nd time I thought I was fat.
44 166 77/w ""
45 165 77/w ""
46 164 77/w ""
47 163 77/w ""
48 162 77/w ""
59 161 77/w ""
50 160 77/w ""
51 159 77/w "" Here I will be out of the "overweight" categorie.
52 158 77/w ""
53 157 77/w ""
54 156 77/w ""
55 155 77/w ""
56 154 77/w ""
57 153 77/w ""
58 152 77/w ""
69 151 84/w ""
60 150 84/w ""
61 149 84/w ""
62 148 84/w ""
63 147 84/w "" Here's the 1st time I thought I was fat.
64 146 84/w ""
65 145 84/w ""
66 144 84/w ""
67 143 84/w ""
68 142 84/w ""
79 141 84/w ""
70 140 84/w ""
71 139 84/w ""
72 138 91/w ""
73 137 91/w ""
74 136 91/w ""
75 135 91/w ""
76 134 91/w ""
77 133 91/w ""
78 132 91/w ""
89 131 91/w ""
80 130 91/w ""
81 129 91/w ""
82 128 98/w ""
83 127 98/w ""
84 126 98/w ""
85 125 98/w ""
86 124 98/w ""
87 123 98/w ""
88 122 98/w ""
89 121 98/w ""
90 120 98/w ""
91 119 105/w ""
92 118 Here, if I have seriously gotten up to 15 miles per day, I will probably scale back, and if my weight still falls below 110 I will gradually increase calories.

weight loss attempts again

I came up with this diet plan.
start at 2500 calories (because I weigh 250) and reduce by 20 calories every week, or 3 or 2 calories per day.  So the first day I ate 2500 cals, second day 2497 cals, 7th day 2480 cals.  I did that for a week.  Today sunday (it's monday according to the clock but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so it's sunday) I went out to eat and did not count calories.  I could easily go back on the plan tomorrow, going down to 2477 cals.  But now I'm thinking that I want to cut down to 1800 because I'm afraid that my plan will make the weight loss take too long.  I've tried to lose weight for a long time now.  I've had some success, I once lost about 50 lbs, but then fell into depression well and gained it back plus more.  I want to do something that I can stick with long term, but I also feel gross as fat as I am right now and I think that *being* this fat is contributing to my depression, for various reasons.  I'm wary of trying to stay under 1800 and then freaking out and eating 4 pizzas or something.  So I think I'll try having 2477 etc as a higher limit?  if I feel i can't stay under 1800.  I also need to start walking more and being more active in general.  I've been languishing on this couch.  I've actually been feeling weak, like I can't walk, sometimes.  So my lower goal for now will be to walk 5 minutes out of every waking hour, and my higher goal will be 7 miles per day.
If that whole "losing two pounds a week" thing can really work (again), then I think I might stop feeling gross in about 30 weeks.  That's when I would be down to 190, that's when I would be out of the "obese" categorie on the bmi chart, and that would be about how much I weighed that one time at tarleton when I was crying about bursting out of my size twelve jeans.  People say all kinds of contradictory things.  I just hope that I am not stuck being fat forever.  If it takes 4 years to get completely unfat, I can deal with that, but if after 4 years I'm still fat, actually, probably before that, if I follow this diet/exercise plan and after 1 year I haven't lost any weight, I will go to a doctor or something.  But I think I probably will, because I did before.

main current concern

I started the class late, which was a bad idea.  I knew this teacher was terrible, shouldn't have bothered with her again.  I didn't know what was going on, so I fell behind, then class was horrible, and I had no idea what to even do, talking to the teacher is awkward and uninformative, so I put it off, and I started feeling like crap and depressed and I kept thinking I'd have time later to catch up, and now that I feel up to it, the semester is over.  I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to go talk to the teacher with nothing.  But what if I need to talk to her now to get a chance at an incomplete?  Well, I'll retake the class later if necessary so I guess I'll just go ahead and work on it oh shit the blackboard might go away, I'd better download everything, then do it all then ask for a grade change.  Ugh.  I also have to do the other class, and go to my brother's graduation parties, and get a job, and study for other classes that I have to take or test out of in the future.  I wish I could ask the teacher if i could just get a fucking list of requirements from her and turn them in in august, but in my experience she says everything so vaguely no matter how many times I ask for clarification that I can never tell what in the fuck she wants me to do.
I was thinking about trying to do some stuff tonight and take it to her, but I got stressed out from some other crap and now I'm sleepy and I told hunter I would do the dishes, and I was hoping to clean my room.  At least I did laundry.  That's the only thing I've accomplished today.
Well, I also encountered a new youtube atheist who turned out to be an anti-feminist douchebag.  Ugh.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


i gave garbage resume to people and am now imagining them all laughing at it.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

opengl class

I joined the class late, so I missed the first day, then the teacher wasn't there the next two days.  Then I went the next two days and it was all "has anyone figured out how to install the stuff" just that for 2 class days, then idr then I missed for a funeral and there was a project due but I didn't even look at it and then I didn't go the next 2 times because bleah and then I didn't go the next time because of some other crap I had to do, and then I'm about to go to class today and I've been looking at the project and I don't know how to do it and the textbook only gives segments of code and stuff I found online isn't working either and I don't know what any of this initglut crap does, so I have no idea how to just "try stuff" so now I'm back to thinking I just need to read the book, but this project covers stuff from chapter 6 and I'm only on chapter 2, and we're also supposed to read another textbook too? which means I need to read like 12 chapters *right now* and who knows if they'll even answer my questions? and the assignment said we could modify square.cpp which was provided in lab 2, but I don't see anything called lab 2 or square.cpp anywhere on blackboard, so I guess now I'll go to class and either just read the book the whole time or ask the teacher where the hell square.cpp is and I predict that she will mumble some crap and I'll be like "ok" and then try to do what she says and then find that it doesn't make any sense so i can't do it and then I'll have to ask again on friday, so you know what? fuck it.  I'll just read the book while in class.  I'll just read until I've read through chapter 6?  No, that sounds horrible.  ARg.  All paths lead to failure.  I should not have signed up for this class.  I'm a go ask the teacher about square.cpp now.