Wednesday, August 16, 2017

spanish book

I'm gonna use the 1-1000 words and make some stupid spanish sentences or something.
do i have to like credit something or pay someone or something?
i wonder exactly how I should go about this.
fuck it, even though it can't necessarily be published, I'm going to try it with a book I have.  a book series.  roswell high?  harry potter?  I have some of the harry potter books with me, I don't have the roswell high books here.  I think I'll try it with harry potter, and I just won't bother translating the made-up harry potter words.
but which words to translate?
despite it being tedious, I will copy all of harry potter onto a text document and then see what the most common words are.  maybe I could find the text already online somehow but i've tried before and haven't found it.  I don't know if an ebook would let me copy text.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

random spanish translation

Hi.  My name is Rilian.  I was born in Oklahoma, but I have lived most of my life in Texas.  I was born in 1987.  I was the first grandchild in my mom's family.  My brother is the last grandchild in my dad's family.  Technically another grandchild could appear, but it's been 24 years and all of my dad's siblings are old.  My grandparents are Baptists, but both of my parents left religion before I was born, so I was raised atheist.

Hola.  Me llamo Rilian.  Nací en Oklahoma, pero he vivido la mayoría de me vida en Texas.  Yo nací en el año 1987.  Fue el primer nieto en la familia de mi madre.  Mi hermano es el último nieto en la familia de mi padre.  De veras, otro nieto puede aparecer, pero han pasado 24 años y todos los hermanos de mi padre son viejos.  Mis abuelos son Bautistas, pero ambos de mis padres quedaron la religión antes de que yo nací, así que me criaron ateamente.


There's a "disciplinary" hold on my account and I can only guess it's because of that time that person assaulted me in the gym.  I thought I would be able to relax after signing up for classes today, but then it turned out there were more holds on my account and the advising flag should be easy to deal with but idfk what's going to happen with this disciplinary shit.  There's no info about it on the website or anything.  I have no idea if they're going to kick me out of the school or something.  Why didn't they call me about it when I filed a report about the assault?  I wonder if they sent me an email.  I don't have an email from the guy whose box i left the report in.  I have emails from the dean of students guy.  The emails fucking claim that I assaulted that person, when she's the one who fucking assaulted me.  It also says I did behaviour not appropriate to an academic setting and disrespected authority.  gross.  It wasn't an academic setting, it was the gym, and she wasn't an authority, she was a random person not wearing any kind of uniform or anything to indicate she was an employee.  besides which "respecting authority" is a disgusting noncept.

there's a later email saying they found me guilty.

idfk what to do.  fml.

Thursday, August 10, 2017



make tactile art
invent a non-competitive sport
read all the books I own
finish theory class (by aug 16th, 6 days from now)
study graphics and be ready to fucking pass it next time
study other classes that I still need
test out of any classes possible
eat 1200-1500 cals per day
walk 10 miles per day (jogging counts double, 1 hour of standing counts as one mile)
other daily exercise
- stretch
- plank
- triceps
- other?
- sign up for that gym
- go to that park again, try to go regularly
- find people to play tennis, catch, frisbee with
- swimming
lose weight (get down to 159, no less than 118)
sign up for classes
apply for jobs
get a job
do laundry once a week
figure out how to pay electricity, internet
pay electricity, internet, rent every month
become fluent in multiple languages
write a spanish textbook
make that spanish app
make spanish videos
finish watching all the shows i've started

look back at other goals lists i've made to see what I'm missing.

most urgent is apply for jobs, get job, finish theory, sign up for classes, pay electricity, pay internet, pay rent.

Friday, August 4, 2017


I applied at mcdonald's online.
genghis grill on paper a while ago.
applied at taco bell online with a password, it was place number.
applied online sonic carhop and I tried to apply to be a "crew member" but the website didn't make any sense.  I don't know if I actually applied for it or not.  RilianXI, same.
waffle house online, secret question what nothing.  login like school email, pw extra numbers to nine.

the website says i have to apply at dunkin donuts on paper.
arby's website claims no openings

while i was applying to taco bell, i needed to look up nicole's email and I accidentally closed all the tabs.  it's like, you're trying to move the cursor and it acts like you clicked.  it shouldn't be that easy to close 16 tabs.

applying isn't so bad since I just estimate the dates of my previous jobs.  it's less stressful than trying horribly for hours to find the exact dates.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


ok, i can't think of anything else fun to do right now.
on the internet mainly.
i can't go out and do things.
i'm not sure why, but I don't feel like I can do that.
even as recently as stephenville, I walked outside a lot.  I went to the playground.  I walked around.  I looked for people to talk to, although that was kinda hard.  People don't want to talk to you after you get past like age 12.  it mostly has to be people you already know.  which, here, is like impossible.  it might be possible to do at school during the semester but I feel like no one actually wants to talk to me.  ugh.
and there's no park i can walk to.  maybe that one hunter mentioned but I don't think there's a playground there.  I like that one we went to, but it's far away.  I could just take the bus all the time.  take the bus to the playground and stay there and throw a tennis ball into the air like I did in lubbock and climb the tiny playground stuff.  maybe the playground that the trans group met at would work too.  both for variety.  oh, hey, also that crappy one by nicole's house.  maybe I should go walk around otter creek and see if i can find that one tiny play ground between the houses again.  that's four places i could go.  but all require busses to obtain.  that should be the plural of bus.  why isn't it?
wiktionary says it's buses or busses.
i've been making a to-do list.  applying for a job is on there.  I need to do it like now.  I also need to go to nicole's house and look for hunter's stupid magic cards.  and I have to go to arkephelphia with him this weekend and maybe go move in to huntsville, presumably his dad or russell could bring me back here, and then I have to go to some baseball games in september.  and school.  god school.  time is running out.  has it been 90 days?  I hate everything.
ok, so theory.  gotta do it this month.  hunter will be gone soon so it should be easier.
but today.  idfk.  It's still early enough to go to sleep and be like sleeping at night.  but I'm not exactly sleepy.  I woke up at like 4pm today.
I also want to clean my room.  I want to organize my stuff, but I think right now I'm just going to have to try to cram everything into the drawers.  I am sick of having my floor all cluttered.  books won't go in drawers.  You know, if I get a roommate I won't have to pay as much rent.  I would be happy to have rainshine live here.  but i'm not sure about james.  eh, I don't think he'd break anything or anything like that.  He'd probably just sit on a couch and play games all day.  but I think I'd do it all officially or whatever and have them actually apply.  it should be fine as long as hunter leaves his name on right?
685 40 150 = 875 400 for one 275 for two.
but I don't know if adrien will even want to live here.  he didn't say anything when I mentioned it.  he didn't say yes or no, and for a lot of people that means no.  I don't know who else to ask.  maybe if I go to school I'll find someone who needs a place.  but it's not likely to be someone I know and trust well.
I'll probably just have to pay it myself.
classes start on august 16th.  so i need to finish theory before that.  13 days god.
I never used to have the problem of not knowing what I want to do.
I wish I could watch yt while cleaning my room.  I suppose I could if I set up hunter's laptop in there again.

Friday, July 28, 2017

apartments for hunter

Stuff to ask about:
need place on august 10th.
What need to qualify to rent?
How long leases?
First floor apts?
What size apts available?
What rent and utilities?
Air conditioning and heating?
Dishwasher, fridge, type of stove, microwave, washer & dryer?
Type of tub?
Fans in each room?
Ceiling lights in each room?
back and front door locks?
crime rate?
student discount?
apple fee?
how pay rent?
where park?
type of flooring?
kitchen counter space?
storage space (closets)?
garbage disposal?

pay electricity
pay rent online

tara garden 2.3 miles 11 minutes (3.3) LEFT A MESSAGE
cabana 2.5 miles 14 minutes (3.1) LEFT A MESSAGE
executive hills 1.4 miles 10 minutes (3.1) NONE ON FIRST FLOOR
candlewood 1.6 miles 11 minutes (3.1)
fontainbleu 1.8 miles 12 minutes (3.2)
overlook 1.8 miles 11 minutes (3.3)

1500 Sparkman Drive Huntsville, AL 35816
1.4 miles, 9 min

5000 Laurelwood Ln NW, Huntsville, AL 35816
1.5 miles, 9 min
downstairs 475$ 12 month lease 658sqft 500$ for 6 month lease
cosigner application fee 35$ each 3x the rent credit score over 500
may qualify alone?
deposit 250$
trash pick up and pest control
living room no ceiling light
full time security
credit debit card money order cashiers check
a lot of counter space?
carpet and vinyl
no ice maker
closet in bathroom and bedroom
1 pet less than 20lbs leash outside 400$ deposit 200$ refundable
she says no smoke smell
can do longdistance

1505 Sparkman Dr NW, Huntsville, AL 35816
saturday 10-2
2 bedroom 1bath 825 640$ 2/2 900sqft 700$ townhome 1140 739$
credit criminal residency
send pay stubs, savings, info from school job.
app fee 50$ deposit based on fica score probably same as rent.
12 months or 6 months extra 50$/month
2 bedroom 1bath is downstairs other have stairs
water and sewer pest control garbage included
washer & dryer hookups but not in 1b's.
tub fiberglass
yes ceiling lights
loi report
pay online or prepay card or personal check
half carpet half vinyl flooring bottom level
counters all around
garbage disposal yes
ice maker no
pet weight limit 25lbs 200$ depit nonrefundable 10$/month
probably no smoke
water bugs, alabama professional services once a week pest control
storage space outisde
pool9-8pm 6 days no mondays
shopping nearby
robin davis


coventry GOOD ONE
1505 Sparkman Dr NW, Huntsville, AL 35816
saturday 10-2
2 bedroom 1bath 825 640$ 2/2 900sqft 700$ townhome 1140 739$
credit criminal residency
send pay stubs, savings, info from school job.
app fee 50$ deposit based on fica score probably same as rent.
12 months or 6 months extra 50$/month
2 bedroom 1bath is downstairs other have stairs
water and sewer pest control garbage included
washer & dryer hookups but not in 1b's.
tub fiberglass
yes ceiling lights
loi report
pay online or prepay card or personal check
half carpet half vinyl flooring bottom level
counters all around
garbage disposal yes
ice maker no
pet weight limit 25lbs 200$ depit nonrefundable 10$/month
probably no smoke
water bugs, alabama professional services once a week pest control
storage space outisde
pool9-8pm 6 days no mondays
shopping nearby
robin davis

friday july 28th plan

apple sauce 50
oranges 400
oatmeal 150
hashbrown patty 150
bread 120
broccoli 125
cauliflower 125
barley mix 260
cereal 120
drink tea and water
stay under 1982.

8-5 call apartments
gym 2-3
test computer for dnd after 5
switch ting
buy bus ticket
laundry (pants shirt bra socks)
walk 6 miles
wash hair
watch and delete all of one show.
apple. crossed out this and some others that I just decided not to do.

So, I need to go to sleep now to maximize 8-5 time because there's like a million more apts to call.

Friday, July 21, 2017

friday plan and food stuff

laundry 5:30
call apartments 5x30= 2.5 hours oops, i ran out of time to do this.  two of them have saturday hours.
talk to office what happens if hunter takes his name off and i don't qualify?  (a full time minimum wage job wouldn't qualify me, what shit) i probably won't qualify, but he can stay on the lease. i have to fill something out for a background check that they weirdly never did before.
shave hair again
pack for tomorrow:  toothbrush toothpast cards phone charger artemis fowl shirts socks
trivia crack
apple before 5:30 donut place
vacuum chips
take out trash maybe during laundry
clean room
walk 1 mile

tomorrow:  call about checks, call apartments

I think I might need to go back to decreasing my calories more slowly.  I don't want that decreased metabolism crap to happen to me.

I guess I got attached to the idea of losing weight fast, they say 2lbs/week is the max you're supposed to do, but i've been eating too much and I can't eat little enough to make it average out.  Before, I lost 50 lbs eating 1500 cals and walking 10 miles/day.  But I'm going to do 2000 cals for now, as a maximum, and vegan except, and I need to walk and exercise more.  That's ahead of my original plan anyway.

once a month go through list
bdays etc
pizza rolls
aztec casserole
spaghetti and cheese
chicken patty sandwich

Thursday, July 20, 2017

thursday night rambling

I should have continued with my previous plan to decrease calories by 20 each week.  i only decided to speed it up because hunter.  bad idea because he's leaving anyway.


I could just go back on that plan now.  I have it in my calendar.  I don't really want to now.  I wish

hunter will be home in like 45 minutes at the earliest.  I'll probably just go hide in my room before then.  I'll go to the office when it opens and ask them.  What if hunter wants to leave and i don't qualify?  Will they make him pay to break the lease?  Why is he doing this to me?  He knew when we moved in together that I didn't qualify without him.  Would they seriously rather kick me out at this point?  that seems like a really stupid decision if they do.

I'm going to move my dry erase board out here.  and move all the stuff on my window sill.  to somewhere else so it can be a pile of crap.

what to do with the rest of tonight.  apply for job.  clean room.  job ... is only important if hunter will not get me kicked out of apt.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

thoughts and goals

i came across a word, androcentric.  i don't like it.  I use the word "andro" as different from "man".  but that word uses it as a synonym.  and it couldn't mean andro how i use it because that's not .. not something external.  well.  maybe.  um.  i guess it would be "non-girliness-centric".  as in like .. revolving around people who don't wear dresses, sort of maybe.  but there can totally be non-girlie dresses.

read all my books
learn all languages
make those spanish things
clean my room
finish degree
actually learn programming in c, c++, java at least.
eat non-junkfood
be skinny again
jog 5 miles
muscly things
get a job making at least 30000
adopt children
get a job right now full time min wage.
find a roommate, someone I trust

I probably should have just kept going with the decreasing calories 20 per week plan.  anyway if eat healthy food only, it shouldn't be too hard.  vegan....

I'll allow vegan (well, ish, according to my previous vegan definitions) including junkfood for now.

I haven't eat meat for 5 years.

I have to become convinced that dairy is slavery.

right now, something i can and should do right now, is apply for a job.

tuesday plan

"physically affectionate friends"

plan for today includes applying for jobs and I guess maybe also calling another apt for hunter.  I now have less than two hours in which to do that, but I don't feel like doing it now.  Maybe I'll wait till tomorrow when russell won't be here anymore.

I need to work 30 hours a week to cover rent electricity internet.  I think everything else would be paid for by my mom anyway.  I need a little more than that to pay hunter back.  So I need a full-time job.  At minimum wage.  God I do not want to work 40 hours a week.  But maybe I can do that till I can pay hunter back and then stop.  I guess that means it would take me quite a long time to pay him back though.  I'll have to be very frugal from now on.  Sigh.  I won't be able to spend my money on extra fun things that my mom doesn't want to pay for.  But step one is getting a job at all.  and I'll keep limiting my food money as previously determined so as not to waste my mom's money.  I'll buy a new phone and use ting again. delete the texts and give this phone back to my mom maybe.  I suppose it doesn't matter.

today i just have to apply for jobs online.  I'll do it during dnd.

Monday, July 17, 2017


hunter wanted to talk about the thing at a bad time.  he should have waited it wasn't urgent on a scale of minutes.  let us finish the game, wait for his friend to not be around so his friend doesn't feel awkward us talking about him being mad at me.  and he makes that face.  and he cries i hate it i think it is a manipulation.

he's afraid i'll ruin his credit score.  he cares only about himself.  he calculated i need to work 100 hours a month to pay all the bills.  that's not even very much.  that's how much i worked at the first subway.  a little less.  it'll probably be easy to find a job with that many hours.  i haven't looked yet.  i said i would today but i didn't factor in russell, hunter's friend staying here for 4 days.  i can easily fill out apples online tomorrow when they're playing dnd.  it was a pretty good day and hunter ruined the ending.  he's weird and awkward and ruins a lot of things.  i hate this storming off without his phone.  this isn't the first time.  so what if he doesn't come back.  it won't matter.  i try.  he keeps being terrible.  i don't think i'd be missing much of anything without him.  i can take or leave him.  i won't leave, but if he does that's fine.  he's threatened to kill himself so many times that i cannot afford to be worried about it.  he's so fucking stupid to get that upset about it.  he's so stupid to not realize i didn't want to talk about it in front of his friend.  he's so stupid to worry the way he does anyway.  he's so stupid to think 100 hours per week is a lot.  he said it was a LOT.  wtf.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

sunday 7-16-17

god it's the future.
I'm not going to richard's got party.  I could have, but I decided not to, even though I'm kind of sad about it.  I want to see kevin again.  there might be other interesting people there too.  russell is going.

a few minutes ago, I caught sight of myself in the mirror.  ew.  I hate the way I look.  I'm working on it, but I wish it could go faster.  I got out a dr pepper hours ago, and a few minutes ago I remembered it and opened it and then I was like "i could have just put it back in the fridge".  I could just stop drinking it now.  In fact, I will.

My food plan for today:
kidney beans
those cauliflower fries

I need to not buy anything, because I have a lot of food here.  I need to eat what I have first.

I wish I could go to an indoor track.  The only option is ualr, but I don't want to see that person again.

If I lost two lbs / week starting now, I could be unfat in a year.  It's always a year.  I need to stop drinking pop.  It hasn't been pleasing lately anyway.  I think because i've been drinking a lot of it.  I also said I was going to be veganish, but I think I forgot yesterday.  My plan up there is veganish.

things to do today:
clean bedroom
cut hair
inventory food

laundry should wait till they leave.
walking  has to wait till evening.
i can inventory food.  then go buy haircutting thing.

nicole said ni would come over but then changed it to a maybe when I asked again.  second time i recall that happening recently.

what to do.  I feel like something is missing.
Why is cleaning my room so hard?

I need to stop eating food when I go out with other people.  I should have looked at the menu to see if they had vegetables.

I'm not giving up pop forever, just - just for the rest of this month for now.  I can have one again on aug 1.  I'll try that for now.

what needs to be done?

I'll stick to my diet plan and I'll be caught down by feb 12.  That's 30 weeks from now.  If I lose 2 lbs / week that's 60 lbs.  That would be pretty cool.  I could fit into those size 18 pants again.

what else is missing?
I don't know.

food inventory
haircutting device
room cleaning
that's what I'm going to go do now.

not allowed to be against things for non-selfish reasons

I only skimmed because it's fucking long and stupid.  Maybe I'll read it more thoroughly later to see if it answers my questions.

Who exactly are they accusing and what exactly are they accusing them of?

White women who are pro-choice and pro-option-of-birth-control?  How is that racist?  It's OPTIONAL.  They're not saying anyone has to get an abortion or use birth control.  They say "hey government, don't try to control people's fertility" and the person who wrote that blogpost is mad? because they didn't say every second of every day that the government has tried to control the fertility of not-white people? like, i don't know about this person specifically, but feminists usually say things like "we don't have to talk about everything at once", but then they get mad when a white person mentions a problem and doesn't specify that it affects not-white people more or whatever.  Like, hey, I'm opposed to slavery.  I'm opposed to caging people for non-violent drug crap.  I'm opposed to cops shooting unarmed people who are running away or trying to follow the cops demands.  How in the fuck would mentioning race even help make that more clear?  I'm not opposed to people mentioning race, but why are they opposed to me (etc) not mentioning it?

if a guy is saying rape is wrong, he's not saying it's only wrong to rape men (unless he actually says that).
if i say slavery is wrong, i'm not saying it's only wrong to enslave white people or any other group that I'm in.
if a white woman says that forced sterilization is not ok, that doesn't automatically mean she thinks it's actually ok to do it to anyone who's not white or female.

the blogpost says reproductive justice is
"the human right to maintain personal bodily autonomy, have children, not have children, and parent the children we have in safe and sustainable communities."
and apparently "white feminism" disagrees with that?  Uh, how?

"margaret sanger wanted inferior people to use birth control and not have babies"
"somehow this made the superior (white, nt, abled) women want to use birth control"
"therefore all white feminists are racist and ableist"

"some white women in the past wanted equality for white women and explicitly wanted to maintain white supremacy, therefore all white feminists are white supremacists"

"Other demonstrators shout loudly and use bullhorns, holding up signs with variations of “The Handmaid’s Tale is not and instruction manual.” True. It’s not. It’s a mirror. And what people see when they look at it is more revealing of their politics than they realize."
doWhen it said it's a mirror, I thought it was saying the story shows white people what they are doing to non-white people, thus blaming all white people for things some white people did/do and saying apparently that current white women are not allowed to be opposed to sex slavery because some different white people engage(d) in or condone(d) sex slavery.  But the last line makes it seem to mean something different.  OK, what do people see in this mirror that you don't like?  The next paragraph does not answer that question.  instead it rambles about other things.

"Within the dominant pro-choice rhetoric of The Handmaid’s Protest and beyond, the language of keeping the government out of “women’s bodies” is not only cisnormative, but it also fails to acknowledge the fact that this same government has already been routinely intruding upon and committing reproductive violences against people of color, the poor, and the disabled for centuries, and has even done so in the very same vein of The Handmaid’s Tale."
How does it fail to acknowledge that things they oppose have been done?  I mean, it's plausible that they aren't constantly saying "this has been done and should not be done anymore".  But just saying "this should not be done" is not the same thing as saying "this has never been done and should never be done".  i've encountered that confusion in countless conversations.  I say "x should not be" and someone says "but x is!" and I say "so the fuck what you fucking stupid asshole who apparently doesn't know how to comprehend words, i just said it shouldn't be".  at that point, they usually say like "oh yeah, i see, i agree".  (there are a few assholes who insist that somehow all that matters is what is and we shouldn't (lol) try to change things, but fuck them).
You know, this would be like if I heard about people farming and killing and eating humans and I objected to it, and some vegan said "but they do that to non-human animals every day, thousands upon thousands of them".  They're assuming, stupidly, that because I didn't mention the non-human animals right then that that must mean I don't care about them.  We're not talking about that right now, we're talking about this.  That's the thing feminists say.  and i agree with it generally.  On a post about fgm, you shouldn't be like "but mgm".  Yes mgm is a terrible terrible problem that needs to be fixed, but this post is about fgm and fgm is worthy of discussion (too).  but actually that's not quite analogous to feminists opposing reproductive crimes.  It's like someone posting about "genital mutilation" and someone assuming that they only meant fgm and responding like "mgm is a way bigger problem than fgm".

i say "cops are terrifying, what with their habit of killing innocent people"
and a hypothetical black person says "you have no right to be afraid, they're not going to kill you".
i think that's what this whole "white feminism" thing is.  they're assuming people are selfish.
I was mad when they banned hairspray, because it's unfair and I knew some of my classmates liked to use hairspray.  i was mad when they banned yo-yos and rubberbands for the same reason.  but people thought it was stupid that i cared.  they thought it was stupid that i wasn't completely selfish.  weird.
If there's an issue that affects some people but not most, and there's a movement for equality or whatever, the mainstream movement won't mention that issue at first, the smaller group can just tell people about that issue, like how would people who aren't affected by it know about it unless someone tells them?  but telling them doesn't have to be like "you ignore our issues", no they just didn't know.  I still don't fucking know, what issues affect non-white women and not white women?  I didn't see any non-white women saying "hey, add this to the list of feminist causes", I just saw them out of nowhere being like "white feminists ignore non-white issues" and none of their articles fucking list any of those alleged issues.  there was one.  i read somewhere that the "right to work" was for middle class women or something, because poor women were already working anyway, and rich women (women who are related to rich men) didn't want to work.  that is interesting, I'm glad someone mentioned it that way, because I had been confused, hearing that women were not allowed to work much, but also hearing about women working in factories and being maids.  (it's class, not race, but that's fine, because this concept applies to any delineation.)  They said for poor women, being a SAHP could be a feminist action.  But.  It is not the case that the "right to work" people were trying to force all women to get jobs.  and maybe they were ignoring the poor women being forced to work, or maybe they just didn't know about that issue, but either way, it's not a feminist issue.  that people have to have jobs to make money to live isn't a feminist issue, because it's not sexist.  them getting paid less or getting rejected from certain jobs because of sex is a feminist issue.  but what sense would it make to fight for a woman's right to not work and be supported by someone else?  That is sexist.  Men have just as much right to not work and be supported by someone else.  Men have just as much right to have free time to spend with their kids.  If there is a movement to convince men to support women as SAHPs, I hate that movement, I oppose it, it is sexist, it is completely fucking ridiculous.  However, a movement to have robots do all the work and support everyone sounds good, if we can actually accomplish it, as opposed to the robots just supporting the rich people and everyone else starving.

reminds me of stefan molynieux.  he was opposed to feminism because it tried to convince women to have jobs.  laurette lynn agreed with him.  she said she wanted to be a SAHP and see her kids all the time.  But what about her husband?  He didn't want to be a SAHP, she said.  I asked.  Good thing then, that he didn't need a masculism movement to get him the right to have a paying job outside the home.  But what about women who don't want to be SAHPs and are being coerced into doing so anyway?  They do need that feminist movement, and laurette lynn is trying to take it away from them.  They want a choice, and she wants to take that choice away, and that pretty effectively takes the choice away from men too.  She supports men working and women staying home, therefore she opposes anything else.  She and stefan seemed to agree, but they inserted a little except for stefan himself.  apparently he (and his wife?) worked and saved up money so they could both take a year off work when their baby was born.  He said it was great and important and everyone should do it if they can, but somehow it's especially important for women to do it.  anyway, now he makes money off his cult, so they still don't have to work.

anyway.  suppose there is a bad thing being done to some people.  it is not wrong to say you oppose that bad thing in general because that includes the people it's currently happening to and anyone else it might happen to in the future and anyone it happened to in the past.

I don't see the point of this article.  It's not even saying "white feminists don't care about this issue that affects a lot of non-white people or disproportionately affects non-white people". It's saying "white feminists care about this issue, but they didn't explicitly say that it disproportionately affects non-white people".  Why in the fuck would they need to mention that?  if someone asks about it, or says otherwise maybe.

hum, what if I talked about poverty but didn't mention the demographics?  non-white people are disproportionately poor, but the issue is poverty, not racism.  Racism is a different (valid) issue. Discuss it elsewhere.  bringing it up here is derailing.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

no good time to sleep

I need to watch 12 episodes of got.  I'm re-watching 5.8 atm, but not planning to pay careful attention. The viewing at richard's house is tomorrow at 8 when it starts.  Russell's coming over at 11 today, 5 hours from now, and they'll probably want to watch got, but they are like half way through season 6.  I'd need to watch several episodes first, or get them to re-watch with me.  We have dnd tonight at 6.  There's only the 12 hours today before dnd and the morning tomorrow before hunter's dnd.  unless i watch on my puter.  if not, not much time.  if they won't re-watch with me.... well, what would I do then?  I'd have to leave and then I'd have to watch overnight sat-sun.  That *would* leave enough time, but it depends on russell sleeping in my room then?  I'll just have to ask them to re-watch with me.  It will be them going back by about 7 episodes I think.

I need to do laundry.  There's the one load in hunter's hamper.  I'll go start that.  I'll look through my clothes and do another load.

I need to clean my room and make it sleep-in-able.

Russell will be here in 5 hours.

I need to sleep.  I started feeling sleepy about 2 hours ago.  There's still 48 minutes left on this episode of got I'm re-watching.

I should take a nap now.  wake up at 8 or 9, then do laundry and clean my room and I'll message sleeping hunter right now about re-watching got.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

gross pizza

I ate that one digiorno pizza again and it was weird and gross and now I'm afraid it was somehow terrible.  I feel sad about the idea of never eating pizza again the way I used to feel about meat.  So it'll probably be ok.

I don't feel sleepy really, my eyes are kind of tired? like slightly itchy.  I'll go to sleep now and see if I feel like walking again at 6am.  I did 12 laps yesterday which confusingly feels like today?  because I only slept 2.5 hours before hunter woke me up to tell me that he got a ga position.

Also, I think I ate too much, why don't I feel like I ate too much?  I am so confused, everything is confusing.

Hum.  I already have some food that's not vegan, but I think I will eat only vegan food now till I'm done with my diet, which tentatively ends on feb 12.  I guess that disgusting pizza helped.

watch got
clean room
eat vegan food
look up apts for hunter
work on something interesting


Before I realized I was trans, I was offended by the word cis.  It's an ugly word.  Like it's just aesthetically displeasing.  When I came upon that thread on gaia about transgender issues, and I asked what it was about, people in the thread said to me "you are cis".  They were wrong.  They should not have done that.  They should not have assumed.  IDK, maybe everyone who's offended by it is actually not cis.

I first realized I was trans when I was 14.  I didn't know that word or concept.  I had never heard of transsexual or anything.  I had heard of cross-dressers, and I sort of starting doing that (ie dressing as a boy and telling people i was being a boy (like playing a character))  in 8th grade and 9th grade.  In 9th grade, I finally actually faced the fact that I *wanted* to be a boy, but I thought it was yet another example of me being the only one who ____.  I don't think I'm the only one in the world who anything, but I was the only one out of the people I knew who a lot of things.  I thought I was the only one in the world and that it was completely impossible, like wishing to fly, so that year I put it out of my mind.  A few years later I came across that thread and I became a regular in it.  After talking to the trans people there for months, I suddenly remembered that day in 9th grade when I told one of my classmates that I wished I had been a boy but/and that day I put it out of my mind and it was like I brainwashed myself into thinking it was stupid nonsense.  I remembered that time in 6th grade where I thought there was something weird going on in my brain and thought I must be bisexual, because that was the only thing I could think of.  I remembered that time in 5th grade where I wore a skirt for band even though I hated it because I felt like something wasn't making sense but I had to be a girl, there was no choice.  I remembered in 8th grade when I told my mom that I had to get my clothes from the boys' section because the shorts in the girls' section didn't meet the dresscode, and she was looking at me suspiciously accusingly disgustedly and I avoided her gaze and thought there must be something wrong with me, and I remembered how even after I told myself it was pointless to want to be a boy, I still kept "crossdressing" and I wanted to cut my hair short, but my mom wouldn't let me.  and I hate everything, I wish I had known earlier that transgender existed, I wish I had at least been given the option of hormone blockers, I wish my parents would have accepted me as a boy, I wish I didn't have to be afraid to even mention it now.

I still feel offended by the word cis when it's used as an insult.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017


till feb 12.  then reevaluate.

2350 m to go.
12 per day, 3 days off per month (10, 20, 30)

I slept from 4pmish to 9:52.  So I go to sleep at 2pm?  I don't like that idea.
I'll probably go to sleep before that.  and I will wake up after less than 8 hours of sleep.  to try to go back to diurnal schedule.  maybe that's a bad idea.  it's really hard.  but i want to ugh.  i want to be awake in the morning and people want me to be awake late at night.and basically all day.  there's no good time to sleep.
now it's walking time and once the sun comes up i will do more laundry.

Friday, July 7, 2017


today's goals

eat spaghetti
watch videos
clean livingroom
job apples
clean bedroom

i have 320more cals for today.  the spaghetti's probably like 270 ish.

Thursday, July 6, 2017


1140 150 190 = 1480 cals for today.  that's enough.  don't need anything else.  just water and maybe the watermelon and carrots if i get hungry again later.  god i need to lose weight.  I hate being fat and it reduces life expectancy.


i have to hope that it will get better.  if not perfect.

I think things were generally ok when I weighed 167.  I didn't feel bad then, I was just horrified by the number.  That's going to be one of my goals, although I might want to go below that.  But they say overweight people live longer and 167 is overweight.  so.  yeah.  that's my goal.

well i just looked that up and found a thing saying that bmi 20-25 was best so I'll change my goal to 159.


The idea of being a teacher appeals to me only because I think I'm good at explaining things that I understand.

Why do other people become teachers?  Why do they get mad when someone misses class?  Why do they care if people turn in assignments late?  Why do they give tests?  What even is the point of the whole grading system?

If I were a high school teacher, specifically I imagine being a math teacher, and I couldn't change the school in general but I could run my own class however I wanted

I would give everyone a list of all the homework problems on the first day.  I would have a website they could check for it if they lost the papers I gave them.  They could do it all right away if they wanted to.  I would explain one lesson per day and then answer people's questions the rest of the class period.  I don't care if people pay attention or miss class or go to the bathroom for 30 minutes.  They can turn in the assignments as they do them and I'll tell them what they got wrong and they can re-do it as many times as they want until the school year is over because then I'd have to submit grades.  I think I would give tests too but let them do them whenever and re-take them whenever.  just with the end of the school year being the deadline for everything.

I'm reading luminosity again and the teacher sighs when bella shows up at the end of class to turn her paper in.  She's late for class because of a car accident and has to explain to avoid getting in trouble.  Why do they give a shit?

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

rambling about required classes

I was just reading luminosity and bella said it would have been embarrassing to flunk gym.  So then I thought, what if you passed everything but gym, would they not let you graduate high school?  What if you passed everything but one class?  What if you had the right number of credits or more but you never passed one particular class?  It'd be ridiculous to say a person can't graduate high school when they passed lots of classes but just not one arbitrary class.  No individual class is actually important.  They offer so few classes anyway that they might as well just require a certain number of credits and let them be anything.  Well.  I suppose it would be weird if you did nothing but PE.  they let pe count multiple times because some people need up to 2.5 pe credits.  There's also different sports teams you can join for pe credit.  Anyway, if you pass biology and chemistry but not ipc, what does that even matter?  Why the fuck is ipc a class anyway?  What did the have at my high school.

algebra 1
algebra 2
calculus ab
calculus bc
english 1
english 2
english 3
english 4
english 5
world history
us history
world geography
spanish 1
spanish 2
spanish 3
spanish 4
spanish 5
german 1
german 2
german 3
german 4
german 5
french 1
french 2
french 3
french 4
french 5
japanese 1
japanese 2
latin 1
latin 2
latin 3
some other random electives that I don't remember
various sports and pe

the language classes, some of the math, the english are ordered and they require you to pass the previous ones before moving on.  even though there's no reason to require that for english.
I'd have taken spanish (4), french (4), german (4), latin (3), japanese (2) every year if I could.  I'd have taken math every year too (5).  That would get me algebra 1 (from middle school), geometry, algebra 2, pre-calculus, calculus ab.  I would have liked to take chemistry and physics.  And I would have taken some sport or pe every year if I could so that adds up to 28 credits, 27 done in high school (I did algebra 1 in middle school).  Does that actually work out?
span   .  span  .  span  .   span
fren   .   fren  .   fren  .    fren
germ .   germ .  germ .   germ
latin  .   latin  .   latin 
geom .  geom .  geom .  geom
chem .   phys  .   jap   .   jap
pe    .     pe    .    pe    .    pe 

This leaves me one extra class period in the last year in which I could take AP chem or phys or some other elective.  I could also try to take the AP versions of classes without taking the regular ones first.

I don't remember exactly what I did take.

eng 2        eng 3    eng 4
wrld hist  us hist  wrld geog 
germ 1     germ 2 germ 3
bio           ten/the  phys
health      chem    latin
spch/typ   comp    choir
geom       alg 2     pre-cal

I think that's all the classes I took but I'm confused about when I took the computer applications class.  I thought it was the same year as geometry, but it doesn't fit in the schedule that way.

crossed out are the ones I wouldn't have taken if I had a choice and italics are the ones I regret taking, except bio is both because I'm not sure if I would have taken it and the subject wasn't entirely uninteresting but the class was terrible and I didn't actually learn any biology till I took it in college (and that time it was totally voluntary and I took it because my high school biology class was so terrible, so idfk how to feel about that one).  So that leaves 10 credits or 11 if I include bio.  That's only 3 years because there was no 12th grade.  You have to have 22-24 credits to graduate so if I do 24 (the da plan) that means after 3 years I should have 18.  Anyway, I claim that 11/18 of the classes were useful or interesting to me, so less than 2/3.

Anyway what was the point of this?  That the required classes are terrible is what I am talking about now.  But originally that it would be stupid to not let someone graduate if they had 22 credits but didn't have one of the specific required classes.

english 1, 2, 3, 4
algebra 1, geometry, algebra 2
ipc, biology, chemistry, health
world hist, us hist, world geog, govt
3 year of language
and idk what else, I'm missing 6.5 credits here.  for the da plan.  that's the one i was doing.

Anyway, what if someone got all the requirements and 27 credits (7 every year except they failed english 4 or government or ipc or whatever) except there's one specific required class they didn't pass, can we all agree that it's fucking stupid to make them take summer school or come back the next year to graduate?  Who gives a shit.  I feel the same way about the college core requirements.  The core shouldn't exist at all, but if it does it should just be "take a variety of classes", not specific shitty classes that no one likes.

how do I replace a laptop battery?

The internet stopped working on my laptop on friday and I had to leave it for lack of time and then today I had to close everything and restart the computer.  And now the charging symbol has an x and says "consider replacing your battery" when I hover over it.

I was planning to go to the gym again today.  It will get dark by 9pm and it took me an hour last time and I was planning to stay longer this time.  I could just go there before dark and stay till hunter can pick me up.  I will message and ask him.  Hunter said he could pick me up at 11:45, so I could go just in time to walk there.  So I'd have to leave here by 8:30.  I don't really want to.  I am tired from the trip and want to sit here for several more hours.  The guy on the phone (i just called to confirm inviting a friend so i could invite nicole) said that actually tomorrow would be the last day so maybe i can go tomorrow.  but i won't ask nicole to go tomorrow just in case.

I've decided to do 4 meals a day 300-400 cals each.  It's a big change.  Today's the first day.  I haven't been much controlling my food the last 4 days because party.  I still have some food I already counted so I ate some of that too.  One of my meals was a hotpocket.  it's half the price of the pizza and it comes in two pieces.

I did quite a lot of exercise on the trip, disc golf, ddr, generally walking around doing the fun things, but I guess I won't try to count any of it as miles.

generic to-do list:

Thursday, June 29, 2017

6-30-17 friday plan

bn 8-10 done
laundry, trash, tc, pack 10-2 tc done laundry started
2-3 dollar tree
3-5 gym
5-5:30 bath
5:30 spaghetti

Hunter dropped me off at bn at 8:30, I walked around the parking lot till they opened, I walked back, directions were confusing, I stopped in a church and asked, it turned out google was in fact telling me to walk through the church parkinglot as a shortcut, and then when I was almost home the people who gave me directions drove up and offered to drive me the rest of the way because it was raining.  present got a little wet.  It's sitting out and I think it will be ok.

I have to start laundry in like an hour.  and I'll do trash and pack while laundry is going.  i might skip going to the gym, I'll decide when it gets to 3:00.

I'm an hour behind on the laundry, so if I go to the gym I'll have an hour for it, which is how much time I used yesterday so that would be enough.

thursday plan

maybe laundry.
and then leave the house.
go anywhere.
don't sit here and watch yt all day.
maybe call nicole.
sleeptime now (3:44am, i can wake up at 12 maybe, and yeah do laundry because that's too middle for walking).

Nicole is busy today.  I didn't wake up till 3pm.  I could go to 10 fitness and maybe get a 7 day free trial thing or I could go to a shitty park down the street.  I don't want to go anywhere.  But I should.  It would take 30 minutes or 13 minutes to walk to 10 fitness.  What would I do there?  If they have it, walk on a track, free weights, inquire about a personal trainer to help with my posture and flexibility.  I need to be home by 8:45, so leave there at 8:15.  Earliest I could arrive is 6:30.  So I'll leave here at 7:00, arrive at 7:30, spend at most 45 minutes there.  It could be that they tell me the free pass was a lie or it's only for garbage I don't want, or they don't have anything I want there anyway.

In the meantime, god I want pop.  Anyway, I have eggs.  I need to brush my teeth and make food and eat it and take a bath and wash my hair and leave by 7.  if I sign up at 10 fitness, it would be 160$ for a year, and you can't do it in smaller pieces than that.  If I have to pay a "premium" price to get what I want, I won't do it.

long-term goals are to lose weight, have non-painful posture, be more flexible, be stronger, be able to run longer.  a gym might help me with those goals.

I need a trainer to help me with the posture and flexibility.  I literally can't do those by myself.

But the others I could do separately.  I can walk anywhere, I can go somewhere squishy to jog, I can use random things as weights or buy little weights at wal-mart.

But for today I'll see about the free pass and ask if they offer the services I want.

bath took longer than I hoped.  now I'm just hoping to leave by 7:30 and have 15 minutes at the place.  I'll have time to use the alleged 7 day pass a few days next week.

I got up to leave at 7:45 and then I couldn't find my keys.  It turns out I dropped them into hunter's laundry bag when I came in from the store where I bought pizza.  I found them and left at 8:00.  I took the short way which included walking across a bridge, but there was a comfortably big shoulder for me to walk on.  The 7-day pass was a thing, but they didn't mention the "and a friend" part, and I forgot so I'll ask about that later, and I did my triceps exercise two sets of 10 with 10lbs then again with 15lbs, but I quit half way through the last set.  My arms feel ok rn though.  Then I walked around to see what kind of machines they have.  I guess I get it for the next 6 days, fssmtw.  So I'll go back tomorrow while hunter's at work and we'll at least be back by wednesday, so I'll get to go 2 more times.  for free.  then I'll decide if I want to keep doing it and also before that I need to ask them if I can pay the whole year at once.  because my mom doesn't want me to give them a credit card number because she's afraid secret charges will pop up.

Going there and back involved me walking 1.3 miles.  So that's cool.  And I feel better now.  I'm going to cook some eggs and put sweet&sour sauce in them and I'll probably eat watermelon and carrots.  and I'm going to open that puzzle.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

wed plan

well I already ate all my calories for today.  I don't have any other food here that I am actually excited about eating, but I do have some stuff I might eat if i get really bored and just want to eat.  I was also planning to go to the store and get some junkfood other than digiorno pizza.

I need to get a surveyor's wheel so I can measure distances.  To know how far I'm walking when I go around the block and stuff, in cases where google maps doesn't know.  I just measured inside where I walk and it's about what I was counting it as, but I thought I was way under-estimating the distance.  I wanted to make sure I didn't over-estimate, and I just barely maybe approximately got it right.  And it takes me 40 minutes to walk a mile in here.  The fact that I have to turn around 200 times definitely adds time, but I didn't expect it to double.  I don't think it's actually half a mile around the apartment complex.  I think it's probably way less.

I found a location one mile away on google.  I can count my steps on that and go by that till i can get a measuring wheel.  And now I doubt the track at ualr, because I do a "mile" there easily in 2000 steps.

walk 2 miles
go to store and get some food from last entry and 1 junkfood.
clean room.
build that one puzzle.

I walked the two miles.  Counted 2500 steps for the second one.  I went to the store and got some expensive fruits and vegetables and some rice and eggrolls.  I ate the rice and eggrolls.  I drank dr pepper.  There's no more dr pepper.  I want more.  It's about to be midnight, we don't have time to go to the store.  It's 11:54, we couldn't make it anyway, and hunter's in the middle of a game.  I will drink from my 2-liter coke bottle full of water instead.  *does so*

I bought watermelon.  I used to always avoid buying watermelon because my mom says it's expensive.  And, like, she's right.  But I think it might be worth it.  I ate a piece of watermelon.  It's really good.  I think I could totally make watermelon be my go-to "junkfood".  at least during watermelon season.

I feel like I need to say something else but I can't think of it.

healthy low-calorie foods to eat instead of pizza

Why don't I ever overeat healthy food?  It's usually more expensive, that's one reason.  My mom bought me some protein bars once and she said she would only buy them if I ate them because I actually needed the protein and didn't just eat them as candy bars.  But isn't that stupid since it would probably be better for me to eat 8 protein bars than to eat a frozen pizza and an entire box of macaroni.

Fruits and vegetables are more expensive per calorie than other things.  But.  I've been buying digiorno pizzas and those are 4$ each.  That's not really a price-efficient food.  Nor is it good for dieting.

They have jicama at the store right now.  I should go get some.  I have carrots.  I need more foods that have few calories per gram.

Thinking about pizza makes me want some.  I had one yesterday and I was planning to buy a different junkfood today hoping to less painfully break my addiction to that pizza.  So I'm not going to get one, but I might get some other junkfood.  One I like is the cheese ravioli, but I don't think they have it at kroger.  I'll pick something they have at kroger rather than trying to get to wal-mart.

I'm going to look up some stuff and add a list here:
pickles 11 (but they are gross and sweet pickles are 107!)
cucumber 16
spinach 23
lettuce 14
radishes 16
green beans 31
tomatoes 18 but they are gross so no
celery 16
green peppers 20
cauliflower 25
onions 40
black beans 339????? wtf????? consult can
pinto beans 347?? consult can
kidney beans 333?? consult can
broccoli 34
black-eyed peas 116 (consult can)
carrots 41
water chestnut 97? consult can
peas 81 (and consult can)
chives 30
jicama 38
pears 48(canned)
grapefruit 42
watermelon 30
grapes 67 (???)
applesauce 42
oat bran (it says 40 cals /100g but other websites disagree.  maybe it's cooking adds water)
soymilk 54
almondmilk 45/240ml
tofu 76
seitan 370

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

plan for today

get laundry at 12:25
buy dr pepper (~1)
clean livingroom and kitchen by 4
walk whenever outside weather is acceptable
clean room
do stupid school stuff

680 150 170 190 190 = 1380
ok I'll that for today prob.
pizza dp(2) total(4) bn fs carrots(7) sf(9) sf(12)

I ate pizza and dp and then sat on the couch playing freecell for 4 hours apparently.  that's 830 calories.  I think I will try to not eat anything between midnight and going to sleep.  Also I think I am hungry again now.  If it's not pizza and shit, I'd rather not eat anything.  I don't have anything anyway.  I mean, I have a bunch of semi-healthy boring food, but no pizza or anything.  I could melt cheese onto a bagel.  Tomorrow I'm going to eat a totinos.  I will eat a different thing every day.  I mean, I'll try to cycle through everything like my brother does.  that might help.  I can have 670 more calories today.  I have ricecakes, bagels, oranges, sf, zonebars, random cereal, spaghetti, rice, beans.  I could make some spaghetti without sauce and I think I'll try putting butter on it?  and that would be about 260 calories.  that would leave 410.  if there's nothing fun to eat idec.  reqd is 170 for now, would leave 240, can drink another dp and that's it.  I'm a do it if there is a stick of butter I can use.  If not I'll have to plan something else.
pizza 680
dp 150
dp 150
reqd 170
spaghetti 190+70

I still didn't get off the couch.  and it's 10:41pm now.  I still just feel vaguely hungry, my stomach hasn't started growling.  Idfk what I'm going to do, except I won't exceed 1500 cals.

Friday, June 23, 2017

friday plan

I walked about 3 miles today.  I am slightly sleepy now.  I could try to just go to sleep now.  I haven't decided what to do about walking tomorrow.  Hum, it's not like I did anything else useful, but I also feel kinda icky about deciding to do nothing but watch yt and walk back and forth across the apt.  I don't have to do it all day though, even if I only walk 2mph, it's still only 5 hours?  Gah that's a big chunk of my day.  It's like a third of the day.  What do I do all day?  Read effulgence, I guess.

walk 10 miles
walk 1/5m every hour after that
drink water
eat 2 protein bars 1
drink 1-2 slimfast things.
eat reqd
eat other stuff I already have
trivia crack
tagalog book / online
clean room

I need to pay more attention to my long-term goals.

I woke up at 2:30.  I tried to go to sleep earlier than usual and woke up later than I did yesterday.  My brain is conspiring against me.  with itself.  Anyway.  I've only walked one mile.  It's so incredibly fucking boring to walk around the apt.  And it's raining a lot outside.  And I want junkfood.  Actually I just ate a snackcake.  Besides that I've eaten carrots and a proteinbar.  I really want to go to the store and buy something entertaining to eat but that's going to be a lot of calories, it's like unavoidable.  The protein bar IS yummy but it doesn't last very long.  And watching yt videos isn't as fun as you'd think based on me doing it all day.

I could just sit on the couch and read effulgence and play trivia crack and watch yt videos and thus distract myself from eating but that's not good for other reasons.  I don't have a basketball so even if I could get to a basketball court (and i could, actually, there's that one under the bridge) I can't play unless I go buy something.  Anyway playing alone isn't that fun.  I wanted hunter to play baseball with me but he hasn't ever said he wanted to, but if I bring it up again he'll say he was waiting for me to say something, but that's so fucking stupid I already said something the ball's in his fucking court now.  Anyway can't do that today and tomorrow at 12 is the picnic that I suggested yet they named it "for whitney" on the fb, and interview at 4:30 and dnd that I don't even want to be playing right after that.  Roleplaying sounds fun but I hate dnd stories.  I hate the "we have to kill everything" bullshit.  I keep hoping for it to be better and it never is.  and numinera wasn't fun either.  it was the same old bull crap.

If I think about getting up to walk around, I think about food.  Things that used to be fun don't seem fun anymore.  I was doing the japanese book while I was at my parents' house.  Maybe I just hate it here.  That's plausible.  Maybe I should give up on college and live with my parents and work at krispy kreme.  I don't want to be living in this stupid place anymore.  Arkansas.  It's pointless.  why is it even a place.

Pizza's a bad idea.  too many calories generally.  what else is there?  the fake meat stuff is generally too expensive, and really it has too many calories too.  because like if I make a bagel sandwich I'll end up wanting more than one.  when I gained 50 lbs that one time it was mostly because I ate chicken patty bagel sandwiches all day.  What can I do instead?  I have ricecakes, that doesn't sound good.  I wish I could do my language books while sitting on the couch just so my back doesn't hurt.  My back hurting is what stops me from a lot of things I would otherwise do.  Sometimes it's not the only reason but it's always like half the reason.  I want dr pepper but there's no more.  could go buy some.  bad waste of money, bad use of calories.  maybe I just feel bad right now because I'm used to eating more than I should.  Maybe if I just do this for a few days I'll get over over-eating-withdrawal-symptoms or something.  I just discovered I've been spelling withdrawal wrong.  I thought it was withdrawl.  hum.

What are foods?  I used to eat different things now it's just pizza and dr pepper.  I liked tuna, but that's out.  spaghetti.  macaroni.  aztec casserole.  chicken nuggets.  fries.  corn peas green beans black eyed peas, I don't think I have any of that.  But I used to always eat those things with something else.  Like fried chicken.  or taco salad.  tacos, enchiladas, softtacos, lasagna, sloppy joes, hamburgers, eggs,

I do have that carton of eggwhites.  I could just make that into scrambled eggs.  I don't really like just plain scrambled eggs, but it might be better than ricecakes.

spring rolls, rice, I wish I could make my hamburger helper, but I'd have to go to wal-mart for the ingredients because kroger doesn't have them.  I'm not even sure wal-mart does.  The one here might not have it them.  I don't want to walk all over in the rain looking for a grocery store that might not have the thing I want.

I could go to the store and get fried rice and spring rolls, but kroger doesn't have my favorite pre-made kind, and I need to not exceed ... well I was going to say I need to not exceed 600 calories but I don't have to eat the slimfast or the protein bar if I find something else to eat instead.  I just need to stay under 1600 calories per day.  and today I've had 325.  and I woke up at 2:20.  idfk.  I need to make my life not just about counting calories and figuring out what I'm allowed to eat and thinking about walking but never doing it.

there's the language stuff.
trivia stuff
sports for fun that doesn't build to anything
there's that list I made in my notebook.
Maybe I should pretend the tv doesn't exist for a while.  not sure what to do about the internet.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

the last ~9 hours

I woke up at 11:49 because nicole called me. Ni came over and then left at 3 something, almost 4.  Then I went to the store and got some junkfood and ate it and I also got some kroger slimfast.  I think that and the zone bars might be "junky" enough to satisfy me and besides that I'll eat some of the slightly boring food I already have.   I have walked 2 miles today.  It's not so much that I'm tired from walking but that it is boring.  I have about 7 hours left.  Also I want to go back to waking up when the sun comes up.  I want to go for a walk outside in the morning.  I might be able to stand to walk a mile per hour for the rest of the night.  But regularly I think I'll need to do the walking in bigger chunks.  idk.  I give myself a couple more days to sort this out.

I know that any weight loss will be good, because I am in fact obese at this point, but if I knew that I would never be comfortably skinny again, I might not bother.

half a mile per hour sounds quite doable.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

plan for 6-21-17 (is today ryan's birthday?)

Hunter has two loads of laundry sitting out here waiting to be done.  I should do one today.  It's one of those things where there's no specific deadline yet but I should generally do it.  I don't do well with those.  It gets dark at about 8:45, so I should definitely start the laundry by 7pm.  I don't feel like doing it now, I'll never feel like doing it, I hate doing laundry.  Even when the washer and dryer is right there in my house I still hate it.

I ate a shitfuckton of food the last couple days so I'm only eating total, carrots, brazilnut, flaxseed for 24 hours, which means till 3am tonight.  So that's 9 more hours.  I haven't eaten anything since I woke up (4 hours ago) because I'm not actually hungry, but I am bored and used to eating garbage so I keep thinking about pizza and stuff.  I've walked like 1 mile today.  I could go walk outside instead of back and forth across apartment.  That would probably be less boring.  idk.  Here I can listen to a video while walking but the walking itself is boring.  but supposedly going outside has other benefits?  or maybe it's too late (in the day) for the sunlight to do its magic.  It wouldn't be too hard to go out and walk around the apartment complex twice.  That would be 1 mile.  idk.  I could also just keep walking around inside.  I need to do something to distract myself from junkfood.  I don't really feel like going outside.  But also I need to walk 9 more miles today and doing it inside seems infeasible because I tend to do about half a mile every two hours.  Going for a walk outside also necessitates making sure I don't look gross because if I do there's a chance I'd be harassed and maybe kicked out of the apartment complex if I pissed people off enough.  I'm already sort of worried about getting in trouble just for walking around.

ok here's my plan
brush teeth
change socks done
put on shoes done
find money and soap done
take down laundry done
start laundry done
bring back hamper done
walk around twice done
put clothes to dry done
walk around 4 times
get hamper done
bring back clothes done
go to store and buy something for to eat later tonight done

actually I'm going to look for money first.

I walked around twice.  I finished it twice in 24 minutes.  I guess that's reasonable.  I'm trying to confirm that it's actually a mile and I'm not overestimating the distance.  I want to get one of those clicky pushy things to measure the distance.  The laundry will be done in 1 minute but I'm all tired and sweaty and not going to run down there right this second.

So when I go put the laundry to dry it will take 45 minutes, so that's not enough time to walk 2 miles, I'd go a little over.  So let's just say I get done walking 2 miles by 8pm.  Then I get the hamper get the clothes bring them back, yeah that does leave time to go to the store before it gets dark, but the problem with that is that just walking one mile was really tiring and I'm sweaty and I don't think I could do two .... I could.  I could do it, but I'm predicting that I won't like how tired it makes me.  Why is it so much harder than walking inside?  Inside I totally underestimate the distance.  I'm definitely walking farther when I do it inside.  I'm hungry.  No, I'm not really hungry, I'm just imagining eating icecream and drinking dr pepper.  I need to go put the clothes to dry.  What will I do while the clothes are drying?  I'll probably just walk inside.  Or go to the store.

I'm afraid I'm going to eat a lot tonight and like ... make up for the time I didn't eat and still overeat.  I need to not do that.  Oh man it's still 8 hours till I can eat anything fun.  I haven't eaten anything yet because eating is itself so boring to me that I usually can't bring myself to do it unless it's pizza or macaroni or something.

to get the miles done that I want, I need to walk 10 miles a day every day starting today.  and I've only done 2 so far today.  I've done it before (like back in 2010-2011) so it's not really crazy, but I'm finding it hard these days because I'm so in the habit of sitting around.  I need to get in to the habit of going for walks a lot, like instead of being like "mm dr pepper", I need to be like "mm walking outside for 20 minutes".

old note, funeral song, home depot, ¿jewish refugees?

at a funeral they played the song "say something I'm giving up on you".  Isn't that a weird choice?  The lyrics don't seem to be about death, but people in the comments of a yt video of it keep talking about people dying.

some home depots are called just "home depot" and some are called "the home depot".  Sup with that?  My guess based on googling is that the store is called "the home depot" and sometimes they don't bother putting the "the" on the building.

my note says "jewish refugees".  I suppose if I'd gotten back to the note in a timely manner that would have jogged my memory.  I googled it and am reminded of the story of jewish refugees being turned away from usa during hitler's murderathon.  I vaguely recall something about jews and muslims being kicked out of spain in like the 1400's.  I don't know why I made this note though.

old note, misgendering, babies

I'm going through the notes on my phone and deleting ones I don't need anymore.  One mentions my aggressively misgendering giraffe.  That's what I've decided to call it even though I initially called it something else, because the new name is more accurate and sounds cool.  My cousin walked up while I was talking to someone else and held up this stuffed giraffe and said "well, I'm giving these to all the LITTLE GIRLS" and I was just like o_o confused and I took it and said "ok" because uh yeah I'm not going to call out even accidental misgendering with this family, I know it's completely pointless, and this was clearly intentional.

What was his goal?  Was he hoping I would protest?  Or did he just want to be like "i think you're a girl, neener neener"?  I already knew what he thought, he didn't need to tell me.  Did he think saying that would somehow force me to conform more than I do?  WTF?  I wish I could ask him.  But asking him about it has the same problems as protesting when he first said it would have.

In the same note I mentioned that I think most people have kids because they never question the assumption that they are supposed to have kids.  That's all.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

not normal, labels

a few people have told me that I really am female, that I am just mistaken about what it takes to fall under that label.  they know a little about my personality and declare that it falls into the female box, regardless of genitalia I guess.  who knows maybe if I had different genitalia and the same personality they'd say I fit into the male box.  maybe they think sex is only based on genitals.  anyway, if they do think that trans people exist but just that I don't qualify, the fact that I don't feel like feminine labels fit me means nothing to them.  i don't understand why.

at least one person has said the same kind of thing about me being asexual.  like I'm not really asexual, I'm just some version of "normal", even though I don't want to have sex and find the idea kind of repulsive.

why?  why do they want to label me as normal, why do they want to refuse useful descriptions, why do they want to stretch words into meaninglessness?

goals for 6-20-17

fridge dr pepper done
mark off number of dp done
clear off livingroom table done
clear off livingroom floor done
pick up trash in livingroom done
clear off kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off kitchen counter done
clear off stove done
(clean stove after buying cleaning supplies?)
sweep kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off bathroom floor done
clear off bathroom counter done
make sure hallway is clear done
empty livingroom trashcan done
empty bathroom trashcan meh
brush teeth
eat carrots, lentils, total, brazilnut, flaxseed, b12, d3
change clothes
put clean clothes in green laundry bag done
walk 10 miles
trivia crack
read an entire book
clean bedroom

Monday, June 19, 2017

goals for 6-19-17

brush teeth done
walk 10 miles (walk around the block at 5pm)
sweep (by 10pm)
laundry (by 7pm)
trivia crack (midnight)
duolingo (midnight)

There are other things that I need to do but I feel kinda poopie today.  My neck is hurting.  So I'm not gonna worry about anything else.

My plan to not drink pop fell apart.  I could try that again.  I'm so used to drinking it and it is yummy.  So it's like when I'm bored and trying to think of something to do, getting pop is like my first idea.  I know it is a bad decision.  It's fun.  I don't want to cut out all fun things.  But maybe there can be fun things that are not unhealthy.  I mean, surely there are.  Pop isn't just calories that I don't need.  It's a lot worse than that.  I need to convince myself of that.  I think I can avoid it for now.

responsible fooding would probably be total, bn, fs, b12, d3, carrots, lentils, applesauce, oranges, grapefruit, spinach, broccoli.  Those are all things I have except I'd have to go buy carrots.  I feel like the day would be really boring if I only ate that stuff.  I think that might be a problem.  I shouldn't be getting my entertainment from food.

Friday, June 16, 2017


Goals for today
two loads of laundry started done
wrap presents
take bath done
pack for trip
brush teeth done
clean room monday
clean kitchen do this later after buying cleaning supplies
pick up trash everywhere some
food?  I should eat applesauce and stuff but I'm thinking about pizza as usual.

I'm watching a video while typing this and someone just said that "melting pot" can sound to someone like you are mad at them for being different.  But that's not what it said, so how can the speaker be blamed for the listener hearing something the speaker literally didn't say.  He said intention isn't all that matters, but I don't think that applies to things you literally didn't say.  That applies to things like calling a black person articulate.  "melting pot" isn't patronizing.  it's inclusive equalityness.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

eventual triumph

A substitute teacher was glaring at me because I asked a question or something, because I wasn't unquestioningly submitting to her, and in that split second before I said anything it looked like she was threatening to hit me somehow, like if I didn't placate her she would come over to the other side of the room where I was sitting and hit me.  So I said "yes ma'am" because I was afraid of her.  That's the only time I've ever said that, I think.  There may have been anotehr time many years later, like maybe if someone who was actually dangerous to me said "yes what" and I had to respond with "yes ma'am" or "yes sir".  I don't specifically remember that happeneing, but I've been in enough shit with schol officials and cops that it wouldn't surprise me if I've said it about 3 times in my life.  But I specifically remember that one.  It's not a thing I generally say because I don't thinkn people deserve that kind of respect.  At all.  No one deserves it.  No one ever.

I wish I had been braver.  I don't think she would actually have hit me.  But she knew she was dealing with an 11-year-old and that she just had to LOOK scary and that would scare most of us into submission.  I hadn't realized by that point that I could leave school, that grades didn't really matter (not that it would really have affected my grade to skip one school day with a substitute).  I had been brainwashed to believe that I couldn't leave, that I had to follow orders, so it didn't occur to me to consider anything else.  I was trapped in that room with a potentially violent person and I did what I thought I had to do to get them to not hurt me.

I wish I had reacted differently.  I wish I had gotten up and left.  I wish I hadn't said that.  I wish I hadn't bothered to placate her.  I wish I said "you want my unquestioning submission, but you're not going to get it," and then gotten up and left.  Walked to the park and hung out there till the school day was over and then gone home.  I wish I said "Why are you glaring at me like that?  What are you going to do to me?  Are you gonna hit me?  If you do I'll call the cops."  I wish I had said, "Why are you glaring at me like that?  Is it because you know you have no rational basis for what you said and you have to fall back on threats?"  Realistically the most I could have said was something like "What?  Why are you mad?  All I did was ask a question."  I don't think I would have been assertive enough to stand up to her to the end.  She would have gotten more yelly.  Maybe she would have sent me to the office.  And I wouldn't have realized that I could walk out of the school instead.

I don't understand why I didn't know, why I wasn't assertive in some ways, because in other ways I was.  I broke rules at home all the time.  I argued.  I did not submit to authority.  But sometimes I did.  Why?

I think it was a time in 8th grade, we were on a bus for a choir trip, and I was thinking and I just sort of realize that I didn't have to do what the teacher said.  She had said I wasn't allowed to change seats on the bus, I think.  and I said to her like "you know, I don't actually have to do what you say."  and she glared at me saying "yes you do".  and I said "no i don't, it's not like the universe will implode or something" and she said "you'll get in trouble" and I said "yeah, sure, but that's my choice.  I can choose to not do what you said and get in trouble.  she laughed.  she didn't care but it was a big moment for me.  Also in 8th grade, maybe later in the year?  I don't remember.  It would make sense if it were later but I don't actualy remember for sure.  (maybe the other thing was in 7th grade?)  We went early in the morning before school for informatoin about volley ball tryouts.  the meeting was in the gym.  when it was time to leave, there was a hall monitor sitting outside teh gym, and there was a door to outside there.  The hall monitor was usually tehre, guarding that door.  if kids came in that door, the hall monitor would yell at them to go back outside and go in the main front doors of the school.  the hall monitor said we had to go out those doors and walk to the front doors and then go back in, instead of just walking down the hallway.  Walking down the hallway would take us by the front doors and then we'd turn left to go to the cafeteria.  i said like "but it's right there, you can see us walk down the hallway, if we go outside you won't be able to see us, how is that better?" and she just kept spouting the stupid rule.  she would not acknowledge or respond to my points.  so after a couple minkutes of stupid arguing I just walked down the hall way and there was some random old guy walking the other way towards me and hte hall monitor yelled at me to stop me so he put his arm in front of me and I pushed his arm up out of my way and kept walking and hten instead of turning left into the cafeteria, I turned right and walked out the front doors and tried to walk home but I got confused because the streets around the scool formed a pentagon instead of a square so I went down the wrong street and eventually foudn a payphone and called home and my dad answered the phone andn I told him what happened and he told me to go back to school (why?  my dad has his own shit to sort through.) so I did because I was kinda tired of walking and didn't want to still try to walk home (and I know now that it would have been a 5 mile walk if I'd gone the right way in the first place, so with my detour it would probably have been a total of 7 miles) and I thought I might get in trouble at home if I showed up anyway, and I didn't really know what else to do because there's no script for it, so I went back to school and I went to the office and I sat in a chair in front of the front desk waiting for somerone to ask me why I was there, and then after a while the bell rang to end first or second period (i forget which), so I got up and left the office and went to my next class and nothing else ever came of the whole stupid event.  except for me walking down hallways randomly to taunt the hallmonitors occasionally.

Monday, June 12, 2017


I vaguely recall times people said something was homophobic when i was thinking it was misogynist.  i encountered one recently.  stephen colbert said something about trump being a cock holder or something for putin.  also he said something about sign language gorillas.  so i thought people would say he was insulting deaf people or gorillas or women / people who put penises in their mouths.  but they just said homophobic.  i mean I guess it could be both?  but i also think that homophobia IS misogyny.
that reminds me of the stupid conservative christian douchebag who hated gay men "because" their existence means he can't platonically hold hands with his male friends without people thinking he's gay.
that hints at something that i actually think is a problem, but he doesn't exactly agree.  the problem is people assuming relationships are romantic-sexual and assuming that hand-holding is romantic-sexual.  I'm guessing he only wants people to assume that heterosexual hand-holding is romantic-sexual.  and he wants people to assume that homosexual hand-holding is not that.  I want people to make no assumptions about any of it.  he also hates people thinking he's gay because he hates gay people.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

some random things from the last few days

bill maher hypothetical slave
bill maher said some stupid joke about him being a "house nigger" and one of the objections that someone had to that comment is that bill maher would have been a slave owner, not a slave.  what the garbage kind of reasoning is that.  It doesn't make any sense really to say what someone would have been if they'd lived in a different time because they wouldn't be them.  if you're just talking about a random white person, most didn't own slaves.  since it's a hypothetical anyway, he can fucking hypothesize himself as a slave, black or otherwise, because it's fucking imaginary.  it's kinda fucking stupid to say he can't try to put himself in the position of a slave, because that's how people have fucking empathy, by imagining what it's like to be in someone else's position.  also, the comment he was responding to was about him being in a field, implying that *he* is the slave, in the imaginary hypothetical situation that that put into his mind -- I don't remember what the actual meaning of the guest's comment was.

calling non-human animals that is racist.
just randomly remembered about some shitty fb group i requested to join once and then they said you have to read some stupid rules and agree to them before joining, so I read all the garbage rules and one of them said you can't refer to non-human animals as non-human animals because that implies that humans are animals and that somehow implies that you think black people are animals and therefore inferior to white people.  stating it out like that makes the illogic clear, there's no other way to explain it.

This is me quickly trying to transcribe some crap hunter was saying:

do you know that episode of south park about teh troles and about how like stan or kyle or whoever was trolling online. we watched teh eepisode the other day and I said I didn't want to see it because it was teh season finale or something. do you remember that? [yes I remember] ok. party of that was talking about how trolling starts. doyou remembger what it said. [no] how the troll starts by saying something really ofensive and riling and another troll responds on the opposite side also saying offensie and riling things so you have these two indiidals who are unrelated to teh movement and don't care but get both sides to fight and hate each other. and the trolles just have to kick it off and teh flame wars propogates itself. i just feel a similar thing happened ... i feel like that happens a lot and south park hit the nail on the head. and i feel like the same thing happened to gamergate. sensible people were talking about htis one thing hhat happened, and people think it happened one way or nother and one thing or another should happen but thrid and fourth parties came in and took over and changed the movement to a different topic and the first two people left. [i disagree about htis history of gamergame]

The information I have about gg doesn't agree with what hunter said at all.  His description of gg doesn't match the general pattern he was trying to illustrate.  Trolls are conservative and they rile up righteous anger.

This is a comment I came across on fb:
"although it sounds embarrassingly White, I love my yoga pants"

what.  why.  how.  how is it "white", why are you capitalizing "white", how is it embarrassing to be white anyway?  I didn't ask the person because idk, it wasn't really relevant to the post and it was just some random person.  How is it bad or "white" to go to the fucking store and pick out some fucking comfortable pants?