Sunday, February 14, 2016


I feel like everything is too messed up to ever be fixed.
but really know that can't be true.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

asexual aromantic

I did not read this whole post.

I don't even know what sexual attraction is.  I haven't found a good explanation for it to clarify whether I feel it.  But, considering there's other kinds of attraction - sensual, physical, aesthetic - I don't think I do feel sexual attraction.  It's complicated?  But I'm not comfortable identifying with any sexuality label other than asexual *even though there's one person i do have sex with sometimes*.

I don't know what romantic attraction is either.  The things people usually associate with romance gross me out.  Buut it kind of seems like I do some of them with a couple of people I know really well.  IDFK.  I still don't feel comfortable identifying with any other romantic label besides aromantic.

I don't want to call myself gay or straight or bi at all, and only "pan" if it's qualified with "aromantic asexual".  I guess part of the problem I have with it is that if I just said I'm pan, then that makes me imagine doing sexual, romantic, or sensual things with random people I just met, and that's repulsive; and I don't want anyone to think that I am into that.  I don't want anyone to think they have any chance at all of  having sex with me, or holding hands with me, or slow-dancing with me.  An exception here and there (literally there's only 1 or 2 exceptions right now) might pass by, but if the other person were hoping or expecting or trying to get that out of me, I would be disgusted the whole time and stop associating with them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

just a bunch of reasons i'm not in a good mood right now

I feel like poo right now.

I have a lot of homework, but I'm work, not actually doing any work, but I don't feel comfortable here so I can't really do homework here.

I need to blow my nose, but I always need to blow my nose and sometimes I need a break from blowing my nose.

I hate going to class and felt I couldn't face it without some junk food so I ate some chips and candy and pop.

I happened upon an old post of mine which led to other old posts and i was reminded of people being terrible.

There were agreeing comments from an old friend of mine on one of the posts who actually isn't that old of a friend, since I only met him 5 years ago, but one year ago he decided to completely stop talking to me, supposedly because I'm a feminist.

There were also comments on another of those posts from someone else who is sort of still my friend, but we don't talk very often and he was disagreeing with me and i think he had a crush on me in the past but now acts in a "just friends" stereotypical way which doesn't make sense to me and makes me sad, and I'm mad that he was disagreeing with me on that post because what he said didn't make sense and still doesn't.

I still feel slightly sad about melanie.  But I know that she was actually this terrible person for years if not the whole time.

I'm sad that I'm not friends with missy anymore.

I'm sad and disgusted that missy has been sucked up by modesty culture and believes that skirts are more "modest" than pants.  Does she think that james, who wears pants, is being immodest?  Or is it only immodest for women to wear pants?  Or only for people with vulvas?  Is it immodest because you can see where the person's legs meet, which I have heard people say before?  If so, why the fuck would that not apply to anyone who has legs, not just people with vulvas or women?  Why does the word modest mean "covering up your body" but also mean "not bragging about accomplishments"?  Does missy think that skirts are less sexual than pants?  Why would missy think that skirts are less sexual, given that boys say all the fucking time that skirts and dresses are way "hotter" than pants?  Does missy think that it's ok for women to be turned on by men's crotches or does she think that women don't get turned on by men's crotches?  Does she know or care that she is contributing to the objectification of women by participating in "modesty"?

melanie, missy, nicole, ben, mark, thomas.  Mark just disappeared.  I haven't much tried to keep in contact, he tried even less.  thomas unfriended me, melanie unfriended me.  ben is fake, nicole is busy, and missy moved away and became religious.  she was always calling herself a christian, but after moving away she actually got into it.  she and james are both creepy people now, people i would never be friends with if they were like this when i met them.

also just thinking of people who i'm not friends with anymore, anthony reed basically only comments on my posts to say "oh lord" when he thinks something is ridiculous, and it's never something that's ridiculous.  he's like thunderfoot saying "how will i ever get a date".  and he's against abortion.