Monday, November 9, 2015

thinking about that time, vs

I'm thinking about the time ...

Near the end of the relationpoop, jesse said he wanted me to dress up in "feminine" clothes, because he said that would make his orgasms better ???? and I still erroneously believed that being a relationship meant you were obligated to do things to "make your partner happy", that you had to have a reason *not* to do something, that the default state with your partner was consent; and he was always trying to convince me that my discomfort with certain things was just social programming that I should ignore, not a legitimate feeling.  I wasn't convinced that he was right, but I couldn't even adequately explain to myself why he was wrong, let alone convince him he was wrong.  But I did draw one line:  I said I wouldn't dress the way *he* wanted where anyone but him could see.  And I think since he could see that I actually would not mind wearing dresses while alone with him in his apartment, he decided to demand something more.  He took me to vctrias scrt and told me exactly what to get.  He waited outside.  I told him to wait outside because I didn't want it to be obvious to the employees that I was a pathetic piece of garbage being bossed around by his abusive rapist piece of shit boyfriend monster.  I wonder if the employees could tell I was mad or something.  I wonder if they guessed I was being coerced, but the pissed off look on my face or the fact that I said the names of the products like it was from a shopping list.  Or did they misinterpret my attitude as embarrassment.  They were completely professional.  I didn't want them to be.  I wanted them to notice that something was wrong and tell me I didn't have to do it.  If someone else would have supported my resistance I think I could have stood up to him.

After I got the stuff, it was in a bag with the store name on it, and I went out into the mall where he was waiting on a bench and I dropped the bag next to him and I said that I would not carry it around.  And he was like "Oooh yeah, that would be feminine gender expression, I'm impressed you thought of that.".  At the time I thought it was just yet another instance of him thinking I'm dreadfully stupid and being surprised any time I understand anything.

One time when I was cleaning his room, I hid the things inside my desk that he was using and he still has possession of waah i want my desk back and my bed and my shelves and my super mario advance 2, but I'm fine with him keeping the dryer.  Anyway I hid the things and he didn't even mention them for a while, I don't remember for sure if he even ever found them while I was there.

After he bought them he tried to remind me to take them home with me and i was like no fuck you they're yours.  I don't even know why i was staying with him at that point.  I didn't know why.  I wasn't getting any enjoyment out of it anymore, I just somehow felt like I didn't have a choice.

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