Thursday, November 19, 2015

Yeah, I kinda feel like "everything" is against me.

When I was in 9th grade, wtc attack happened, my school started broadcasting the usa pledge of allegiance during announcements every day. I continued my tradition of not joining in, which I had been doing ever since 5th grade. Although it was mostly irrelevant because my 7th and 8th grade schools didn't even ever do the pledge and the 9th grade school didn't do it until 9-12-01.

Anyway, someone, Amanda Free, was ridiculously mad at me for not saying the pledge, and she tried to prevent me from leaving the room during (which the vp had said I had to do if I didn't want to participate), and she stalked me through the halls yelling at me about soldiers, and she enlisted two friends of hers to throw food at me during lunch, and then two of these people pushed me in the hallway in this totally ridiculous display. Anyway, then a janitor who saw them push me told me to go tell the principal, who was in the cafeteria. [skipping some of the story here, because it's not relevant to my point right now]
Then I was in the vp's office, the same one who had said I had to leave the room if I didn't want to stand during the pledge with everyone else, and he had called other people in and other people had just wandered in to listen, andso I was LITERALLY SURROUNDED by like 6 people, including a cop with  a gun, and they were making me tell the story of how Amanda and her friends had been harassing me for the past two weeks for the 3rd time, and I was starting to get unnerved by all these people in the room, in the tiny office, and one of them was looking at me with this intense look of disgust and hatred, like she thought I was literally the worst person ever in the whole world, just because I didn't want to involve myself in their pledging tradition. Everyone in the room looked hateful. That one person was the worst, but I was surrounded by enemies. (skipping the rest of the story, but it ended with me being suspended from school for three days and paying a 526$ fine and going to court to be yelled at by a judge. And the actual criminals had no repercussions at all.)

I don't want to ever be in that situation again. So the housing director wants to meet with me. I'm talking to a secretary or something and I say I'll talk to the director on the phone. But then she says it has to be in person. Why? I point out to her that sounds like it's INTENDED to be threatening to me, to make me uncomfortable and put me at a disadvantage. I offer to meet the director in the student center where there will be lots of other people around. She says no because "this is her office and this is where she does her work". Um ok, but that's not where I do my work. She's the one who wants to meet with me, but she won't use the phone or walk to another building.

She said either schedule an in-person meeting right now or I'm referring it to the dean of students. I said I'm not going to meet in a secluded space with ANYONE repeat repeat repeat like 12 times, until I said "OK bye".

Then I called the dean of students and left a message for him to call me because of course he wasn't there. (Sidenote, I think the dean of students should be available to students.)

Anyway I think this will all somehow result in me being kicked out of the dorms. It doesn't matter if I'm right. Things literally never go my way.


So I said I want to do homework this weekend and maybe just stay home and not even go to Hunter's house. I'm not sure what would be most conducive to me doing homework but probably staying in the same place the whole time would be best and that same place most likely can't be Hunter's house. For one thing I'd have to leave on Sunday night which cuts out a little of the time between now and Monday afternoon when my next math class is; and on top of that Hunter probably doesn't even want me to just hang out at his house and even more probably not to spend the night because CRAZY zach will get mad and Hunter's afraid he'll then be kicked out. And I don't want to go *out* and do anything, and Hunter also wants to do homework and says he can work best in his room. So we have to be separate to do homework most effectively. He said he would spend the night with me on Friday night and Saturday night, as usual. But IME that's not hanging out, he just wants to come in and go to sleep. So I wanted to hang out today. He said he has so much homework he thinks he should do some today too. I said if he stays till 6 that still leaves 3 hours to do homework before going to bed at 10. He said he needs 5 hours because if it's less than that if he thinks about doing homework he goes "but it's almost time for bed!" So he can't start homework after 5:00. So I said stay till 4:30 and he said "no!" like he shouted it all horrified, and I said 4:00 and he was like no I need to relax and stuff before I start homework! And I was like wtf I thought you just needed 5 hours total. And I didn't voice this but again I was thinking why can't the "relaxing" happen with me? Why?? If he leaves here at 4 that's still more than half an hour to "settle in" at home or whatever. But no he says he just wants to see me for 5 minutes because he needs THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF TIME POSSIBLE. And he needs to RELAX IN HIS OWN HOUSE! Why? So he wants to go home right after class and get home at 3:30 and relax for 1.5 hours and then do homework and also eat supper and take a bath and etc he said. I understand the 5 hours thing, but not why he needs 1.5 hours of relaxing AWAY FROM ME. Does he even like me!? I guess it's not specifically away from me. He wouldn't mind if I were there too, but he would want to like watch stupid videos and stuff rather than talking to me or playing a game with me. Idk if this is normal, if I'm being too demanding or if it's reasonable to want to hang out with your bf for an hour before not hanging out at all for 3 days straight.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

rambles about school

The things I need to do for school
study still like 100 pages of math (by december 2nd)
read that theater book
maybe study for that literature test

secondarily, study a million pages for computer science

I'm afraid I'm going to get kicked out of the dorm.  The RA texted and said there's a letter for me from housing.  I sent them an email a while ago complaining about stuff and then they wanted me to come and talk but every day I've never felt like it and/or forgot until after 5, and anyway I don't want to go be in an office with someone who might be going to yell at me.  I know what it could be like.  Like the time I tried to report amanda free for stalking me and stuff and instead i was surrounded by more people, the vice principal and office workers and the school cop, who hated me.  I don't want to go in to that.  So I guess I'll call them... but I still don't know what's going to happen.  It just seems to be my experience that any time I complain about anything, things get worse for me.  And if I can't live on campus next semester, I'm not sure how I could finish my degree.  That would be a relief.  I could just go live in dallas again.  And I could look for a non-shitty job.  IDK what to do about hunter.  I hate that he doesn't have, like, the same kind of priorities as I do.

Actually, for the math, I'd need to turn in my homework by november 25th, and the test would be on the 7th or something.  Wow, so that's 10 days.  Even when I've tried to pay attention and study my math, I haven't been able to do 10 pages per day.  Maybe 3.

Friday, November 13, 2015

funding for government schools

The internet tells me that more than 10000$ per student is spent each school year.  I'm not sure if it means all K-12 schools or just "public" schools.  Whatever.  They should give some or all of that money to the kids who would be going to school and let them spend it how they choose.  They could buy more homeschooling supplies than they could ever need and still have a shitton of money left.  They could use some of the money to not starve to death.  Or whatever they want do to with it.  They could choose to go to school and spend the money on that, or go to government school instead of taking the money.  whatevs.  I'm a get better info and write an actual informative post on this at some point.

Monday, November 9, 2015

thinking about that time, vs

I'm thinking about the time ...

Near the end of the relationpoop, jesse said he wanted me to dress up in "feminine" clothes, because he said that would make his orgasms better ???? and I still erroneously believed that being a relationship meant you were obligated to do things to "make your partner happy", that you had to have a reason *not* to do something, that the default state with your partner was consent; and he was always trying to convince me that my discomfort with certain things was just social programming that I should ignore, not a legitimate feeling.  I wasn't convinced that he was right, but I couldn't even adequately explain to myself why he was wrong, let alone convince him he was wrong.  But I did draw one line:  I said I wouldn't dress the way *he* wanted where anyone but him could see.  And I think since he could see that I actually would not mind wearing dresses while alone with him in his apartment, he decided to demand something more.  He took me to vctrias scrt and told me exactly what to get.  He waited outside.  I told him to wait outside because I didn't want it to be obvious to the employees that I was a pathetic piece of garbage being bossed around by his abusive rapist piece of shit boyfriend monster.  I wonder if the employees could tell I was mad or something.  I wonder if they guessed I was being coerced, but the pissed off look on my face or the fact that I said the names of the products like it was from a shopping list.  Or did they misinterpret my attitude as embarrassment.  They were completely professional.  I didn't want them to be.  I wanted them to notice that something was wrong and tell me I didn't have to do it.  If someone else would have supported my resistance I think I could have stood up to him.

After I got the stuff, it was in a bag with the store name on it, and I went out into the mall where he was waiting on a bench and I dropped the bag next to him and I said that I would not carry it around.  And he was like "Oooh yeah, that would be feminine gender expression, I'm impressed you thought of that.".  At the time I thought it was just yet another instance of him thinking I'm dreadfully stupid and being surprised any time I understand anything.

One time when I was cleaning his room, I hid the things inside my desk that he was using and he still has possession of waah i want my desk back and my bed and my shelves and my super mario advance 2, but I'm fine with him keeping the dryer.  Anyway I hid the things and he didn't even mention them for a while, I don't remember for sure if he even ever found them while I was there.

After he bought them he tried to remind me to take them home with me and i was like no fuck you they're yours.  I don't even know why i was staying with him at that point.  I didn't know why.  I wasn't getting any enjoyment out of it anymore, I just somehow felt like I didn't have a choice.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Math test corrections

I got a 51 on the test.  I wrote out the four definitions that I didn't get full credit on, so now at least I'll have a 55 on the test.  And I think I can do one of the other problems, and he said you get half the points on those, so that will be a 58.  I'm afraid I'm going to get in trouble at work if I don't do the work thing I'm supposed to be doing.  I kind of feel bad that I haven't done it yet.

math test definitions

Usually teachers say write as much as is necessary to make sure that I know that you know what you're talking about, what the question was asking about.  So when we were supposed to define terms, I wrote them in two different ways, to make sure he knew I knew.  But afterwards he said that's wrong, don't include this extra unnecessary information in a definition.  BUT the book does that, in their definitions they sometimes says blah in other words blah.  So I was also following the book's example.  But I just wrote out the definitions from the book that I did wrong on the test, because we can get more points on the test for doing that, and none of these particular ones had the "in other words" part.  So I'm not even going to bother to say anything else to him about it, unless he somehow brings it up.

math class and work

I'm getting that bad feeling about working on my math.  Which i know is stupid because I still have till the end of the semester to do better, there's not just today there's more time, but because I can't finish by today it makes me want to just stop.  I have 20 pages in chapter 1 to read, which really actually I *could* get done by class time today at 1:40, but I'm also supposed to re-write stuff on my test and I can't get both of those things done before class today.  And also I'm supposed to be doing a thing for work right now.

I'm gonna write the definitions at least because that should be easy.

ethics bowl

Ever since the meeting on the thursday before last, so the 15th, I've had it on my to-do list to do the research and write up for the next one.  I pictured myself doing it, but somehow I didn't have time.  I mean, I could easily have had time, but I was doing other things.  I don't remember what I did on thursday night, but on friday and saturday I was with hunter, and part of sunday too.  I don't know, I don't remember.  I assume there was a lot of sitting around being tired after hunter was gone, because I don't really relax most of the time with him, I'm engaged and doing things with him.  I kept somehow forgetting to squeeze it in, then I was trying on tuesday or wednesday, one of those days was when I actually started reading.  But I was slow because I was thinking, I don't know how to do a write up about this.  When I see that I'm not going to be able to finish something, I always just stop doing it, there's something subconscious that makes me have to stop, like, there's a feeling that comes and I feel sick if I keep going.  I stop doing the thing so I can stop feeling sick.  With some things, just thinking about the thing for a while allows me to see how to do it and then I can go back and do it without feeling sick.  But that hasn't been happening with anything this semester.  (Or lots of other semesters.)  I was trying to do it on thursday.  The day of the meeting.  The 22nd.  I didn't go to work because I was so behind on sleep.  I walked hunter to his class though.  Then I went back to my room and instead of working on the thing for ethics bowl (which I could never have finished in time anyway), I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7:05.  I missed the meeting and my class.  On saturday night, I got sleepy at like 8:30.  I was with hunter in the art building.  He didn't want to go home yet.  I sat there and did a small amount of studying, but i was mostly just being sleepy, then he was talking about the essays for his application and he had asked me to look at them days ago, so I did it then, and it took forever, we were there till 12:30.  Then my head was hurting and the roommates and friends were playing loud music and shouting, and I slept until 12:00, and I took an ibuprofen at one point when I woke up and hunter stayed there with me until I said i felt better, even though, he later said, he actually had wanted to go home and do homework and play a video game.

I was trying to figure out how to tell michael about what happened with ethics bowl.  Like, how I didn't mean to just do nothing and not come to the meeting and not contact anyone, but he just came in here and asked me about it, so that's done.  I just told him I slept through the meeting and that I need to quit because it's making me not get enough sleep and get sick.