Monday, February 24, 2014

random whatever

So I had my software engineering book open in front of me, and I read one more paragraph.

If only I could make myself actually do it, I could read chapter 2 in two hours and probably read chapter 3 in another two hours and then do that homework assignment in one hour, according to Jordan, and I could read the entire book in 2 days if I actually read.  Then I could do all the reading for graphics probably in one day and do all the assignments and I could be caught up on all my homework in like one week, if I'd just actually do it.

But I closed the book, because it's so entirely boring.  Minsker's class is ok.  It's ok enough that when you add in the fact that it's "required", required for this college stuff, I am ok with doing it.  And I do it.  I can work on the stuff for his classes a couple of hours at a time.  But the other classes, I hate, and I can't make myself do them that much.  I want to be doing fun things.  But the thought of school makes me not do fun things either.

So that's why I'm kind of ready to just look for a job, 20 hours a week, and spend the rest of my time doing what I want to do.  But.... what if I could get more of what I wanted later by putting in a little more suffering right now?  For the next 2 years?  But what if I die tomorrow?  I want my last days to be happy, and any day could be my last.  So I didn't go to class this morning.  I'll go to my afternoon class, though, because I'm already up at this point and he takes attendence.  Although if he didn't require attandence, I would skip so I could play with nicole.  Speaking of nicole, I'm going challenge ni to chess game right now, on chessbypost.  OK, I did it.  But there's no guarantee it will work.  The program has been messing up on mine and Thomas's games.

So what do I really want to do?  Well, I don't know what I *really* want to do.  There's no way I could know that, given the terrible environment I've been in all my life, with pressure from other people to "succeed" in certain ways.  But it seems to me that something I want to do is learn bunch of languages, and create that program to help other people learn languages, and make some of those books I was thinking about.

So I need a 20-hour-a-week job that pays 15$/hour at least, and that's if I'm living with my parents.  If I'm not living with my parents, I think I need to make 30000$/year, which means I need a job making 30$/hour, but how likely is that?  I don't even know.  I mean, 15000$/year is enough for me to live on, technically speaking, although apartment places seem to want you to make 3 times the rent or have all the money saved up ahead of time or have a co-signer, so really I'd need a co-signer, or/and to live with nicole, but I would have enough money really.  But I want to adopt a kid, so for that I really need 30000$/year, so I can save up money for pay for the adoption or whatever, and so that I'll then have enough money to support me and one other person.  But I still really really just want to work 4 hours a day.  I'd be ok with 4 hours a day, 7 days a week.  That would be 22$/hour.

So maybe I should go home and get that packet and make a resume seriously.  But then I just think about how they're not going to want to hire me if I am failing classes again.  So I should read this book and do my homework.  But I hate it and don't want to do it.  But I don't know how else to make money....  Well, I mean, I guess I can get a job with just the associate's degree so I don't even need to be doing this, but I already started and I can't get a refund and maybe I'd get paid more if I finished this so I don't want to stop right now in the middle of a semester blaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

I'm gonna make a schedule....

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