Monday, April 23, 2012

The word "suck" is sexist.

I thoughtlessly used it earlier today, and then a few hours later I realized it should be on that list of words I'm not going to say anymore.  Except to talk about the word itself, of course.

It's sexist because it takes a roll or behaviour that is coercively assigned to women and then equates is to anything bad.

Sometimes people say, "Balls!" as an explitive.  I wonder if that's bad, too.  What if people said, "Ovaries!"?  Maybe using a term that's associated with women in any way is automatically (more) bad since women are the (more) oppressed group.

How does 25 cents feed an african for a day?

Is the cost of food really so inflated in america?  I can't eat for less than 3$ a day, and that's a bare minimum.  But where are they buying the food that they give to the starving africans?  If they buy it in america, then it should cost just as much as my food.  I've always thought that the reason africans were starving was because there wasn't enough food in africa.  If that's the case, then they'd have to be buying the food in america or something, so how is it so cheap?

I currently buy stupid shitty expensive food every day.  I buy some good cheap food too, but I haven't completely gotten away from poptarts and frozen pizza.  (Speaking of which, god I want some poptarts.  I was at the store earlier and I almost got some.  The thing is that they are only yummy for about 3 bites, so I decided it was a waste of money.)  But if I stopped eating that shit and I just bought the cheap, healthy, necessary food, I could cut my food budget down enough that it would free up enough money to donate to one of those charities.  But I don't have my own money right now.  My mom buys my food.  And even if I ate really cheaply for several months, my mom still wouldn't donate any money to a charity.  And if I brought it up right now, she would say that I would just keep buying the expensive food even after we donated money.

I live in an authoritarian environment, which causes me to expand to fill whatever room the rules leave.  I see it, and I hate it, but I can't stand the immediate indignity of submitting to my mom even when I know that that same behaviour leads to a greater but more remote different dignity.

Growing up means feeling alone.

There was a time when we huddled under a table together, frightened and clinging to eachother for support in a terrifying moment.

It's been 13 years since I even touched you.  It's been about 17 years since I felt close to you.  Why did that happen?  Is it that you didn't love me the way I loved you?  Or is it that you do love me still, but there's some kind of fear holding you back?  A fear of rejection, or a fear of other people's disapproval.  I definitely fear rejection.  But I put out little signs.  I implore you to see them, so that we can be friends again like we once were.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I had an idea for a post yesterday ...

... and I forgot what it was.

If I had been able to go post it right away, that wouldn't have happened.  But my computer is broken, so I have to wait till my brother goes to sleep so I can use his.  I should have written down my idea.  But actually I was outside at the time, so I had probably already forgotten it by the time I got to a pencil and paper.

I've decided to purge my speech ...

... of certain insults and explitives.

I'm not sure how to delineate the entire categorie.  I mean, it's like I want to stop using words that are insulting.  But when it comes to the words that are used as insults, I mean insulting insults.  I mean, ones that insult the person you're trying to insult by insulting other completely innocent people.

Fuck - It contains the idea that sex is violence that a man commits against another, weaker person.
Bitch - It's sexist because it means a female breeding dog, and because it's mostly aimed at women, and because it implies something negative about a woman's appearance and also implies that a woman being ugly makes her worthless.
Bastard - There's nothing wrong with being born to unmarried parents.

There's a lot of other words that I'm not sure about.  Like "shit", and "stupid".  But anyway I'm going to start with those three, and also "asshole" and "dick".

I have had horrible sinus problems for the past 11 years.

It started when I was about 14.  It's horrible congestion, feeling like I can't breathe, feeling like I'm drowning in snot, needing to blow my nose almost constantly, and blowing out mountains of snot every time.  How how how can my nose make that much snot?  How!?

I don't think it's just allergies, because every time I go visit this one friend, he gets sick too.  So it must involve bacteria or a virus, right?

Sometimes I take claritinD or something for it.  I think it helps, but it's not like I've tested it scientifically or anything.  Same for coldeeze, btw.

I don't say that I'm sick all the time.  Maybe this sinus problem is a sickness, but it's like I'm so used to it, and it came on rather inconspicuously, so it's just, you know, my life.  But sometimes I get a sickness that feels like the problems of my nose spreading into my throat, and I feel like there's a blockage between my nose and throat, and it's painful as opposed to just uncomfortable.  It hurts to swallow water.  It hurts to speak, specifically to make the back-of-the-mouth sounds.  I convert all consonants to dental and stop making the back vowels, and no one can understand me.  Certain people are totally unsympathetic to the pain I'm in and refuse to even talk to me, insisting that I'm just being ridiculous.  I don't know if it's that they don't believe it hurts, or if they don't care.  Like, maybe they think that I should just deal with the pain.  Right, I should prioritize their desire to easily understand what I'm saying over my desire to not be in such terrible pain.  How about no.  Anyway, the last time I felt that sickness coming on, I took coldeeze, and it never got so bad.  But again, I didn't do any scientific experiment.  Maybe I was wrong about being about to get sick like that.  Maybe it would have been mild anyway.  But claritinD and coldeeze have been scientifically tested by other people, right?

Speaking again of my perenial sinus congestion, I'd really like to not have this problem anymore.  Sometimes, I get a few minutes of relief.  Sometimes, I blow my nose, and then I feel like I can breathe freely through my nose.  I love that feeling.  Then a few minutes later, my nose produces more snot.

You know what.  I think I've had sinus problems longer than 11 years.  It definitely got way worse when I was 14, but I remember when I was 12 feeling stuffed up and just breathing through my mouth all the time.  Maybe it went back further than that.  I don't know.  Maybe it's congenital or whatever.

When I was a little kid, I used to ask to go to the doctor all the time, for whatever.  Any time I was in pain.  But my mom always said no.  She always said that doctors don't know anything anyway.  So by the time I had this sinus problem, I already believed, as my mom told me, that there was no point in asking a doctor about it.  It would just be a waste of money.  So I'm still sort of stuck in that habit.  That's why I haven't gone to a doctor about this.  I was at a doctor for something else recently, and I asked about this, and they just said "probably allergies".  At some point, I will go to the doctor for this specifically.

My mom always yells at me because I drop used tissues on the floor.  She wants to put them directly in the trash.  She can't put herself in my shoes and realize how intrusive it is into my life that I have to blow my nose every 5 minutes, and how I'd be able to get even less done if I had to get up and take the tissue to the trash every time.  I put a little trash can in the living room so that I could throw the tissues in that, but someone kept moving the trashcan off to inconvenient places, like under the coffee table or behind the couch, so I gave up on that.  My mom's attitude toward me in this situation is like, "Yeah, I know you're miserable and sick and in pain and terribly inconvenienced all the time, but these pieces of paper on the floor are really bothering me and YOU NEED to pick them up."  I've tried to explain to my mom that in general if she wants something done, she should do it herself.  But she doesn't agree.  She rather believes that I am responsible for her feelings and her comfort.

Excuse me, I have to go blow my nose.

This is what happend with Ed.

I saw Ed playing DDR one day.  He was amazingly good at it.
I talked to him.  He seemed to like me.
After a week or two, I lost interest.
Then another DDRer showed me an entry on Ed's xanga where he seemed to be talking about me, though he never mentioned me by name.  The xanga entry made it sound like he liked me a lot.  So I decided to talk to him more and see if I liked him again.
A week or so after that, I was in the middle of playing DDR, and I happened to glance around me, and I saw Ed kissing someone.  I noticed that the kiss looked really awkward, as if they had just said, "Hey, let's kiss now."  I thought, welp, guess he's not interested anymore.
A couple of weeks later, a thread appeared on bemanitx, a forum where a bunch of people from that arcade posted.  It was directed at me.  It was Ed saying how he didn't like me and I needed to back off and leave him alone.  He said that he had staged that kiss to try to "hint" to me that he wasn't interested.  I read through the entire 3 pages that had appeared thus far.  It was mostly people posting insulting things about me.  I posted and told him that I had indeed seen the kiss, but I hadn't found that to be cause enough to stop talking to him.  He was, after all, still a person, and still a fellow DDRer.  I said that, while I liked him for a week or two, ever since then I had just been being friendly, and it really isn't my fault that he misinterpreted that as a come-on.  And, I didn't tell him this, but why exactly did he stage a kiss for me to see when I was on the DDR stage in the middle of playing?  I happened to see it, but wasn't that just a fluke?  How did he know I would turn then?  Anyway, his response to me saying that I had just been being friendly was, "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  Ed was certain that I was hopelessly in love with him and was now just trying to save face.  The thread went on for a while longer, as we argued over other stupid random things, and when I say we argued, I mean Ed made wild and stupid accusations, and I tried to explain to him why he was wrong.  Other people kept posting too, throwing their two cents into the idiocy.  Ed said he never wanted to talk to me again.  I didn't consider that to be a big loss, but I was upset over the fact that someone could be so crazy and irrational and hate me so much, and over the mean things other posters had said about me.  Finally, a moderator deleted the thread.
I saw Ed about a year later.  I was working at Wendy's.  An old man was ordering some food for him and his family.  I asked what kind of drink on the meals, then he said his grandson could come over and say what kind of drink he wanted for his meal.  The grandson was Ed.  As soon as Ed saw that the cashier was ME, he turned and faced the opposite way and crossed his arms over his chest.  I started shaking at the though of having a face-to-face confrontation.  One of the managers saw that I was freaking out, and had me go off and clean trays while another cashier finished the order.  Ed went up and gave his drink order to my replacement.  I didn't speak to Ed or anything.  I didn't even get another glimpse of him after that.
I haven't seen him or interacted with him at all since then, at least as far as I know.  Maybe some random person on the internet was him and I just didn't know it.

I saw a picture of bacon today, and I felt disgust.

That seems like some good progress on this whole vegetarian thing.  I think I'm getting more used to it and I think I'm approaching the time when I can eliminate other animal products, such as eggs and cheese.  I feel doubtful as to whether I will ever eliminate honey.  I don't really "eat honey", but it's in a lot of things I do eat, like bread, and some of the cereals I like.  But if someone gave me a good moral or health argument for not eating honey, well, I'm open to that possibility.

Saturday, April 21, 2012