Thursday, December 6, 2012


It wasn't until the last few days that being without him sounded better than being with him.  That's why I stayed as long as I did.  Because every time he did something horrible, I would think about leaving, and I would feel terrified by that and I would think that I could make it through this and he would get better and then we could live happily ever after, but if I left now I could never have that happily ever after.  So maybe you'll say it's my fault.

It wasn't this bad the whole time.
But for a time at the end, for a few months I guess, whenever I stayed at his apartment, and I would sleep on the couch or in my bed in the other bedroom, I would get about 4 hours of sleep and then I would be woken up by him getting on top of me.  And he would have this look on his face, his "I don't give a shit about you, you are not a person, you are just a 'cum-receptical'" look, and I knew I couldn't just deny him because then he'd yell at me, maybe push me around, and probably break up with me.  I wanted him to stop doing this stuff, because in the in-between times (which was most of the time) it seemed to me that our relationship was really good, and I wanted it to be like that all the time, and I didn't want to lose that.  Anyway, the first time it happened, I was sleeping on the couch, and I woke up to him shoving his penis in my mouth and then demanding that I "suck it" even though my head was hurting because I hadn't slept enough.  I ended up crying, and he looked at my tears with this disgusting look on his face that said that he loved the fact that he made me cry.  I saw that look more times than I can remember.  He told me explicitly that he was turned on by making me cry.
After the first couple of times of him doing this, it got to where as soon as I felt him in the room, I would wake up and jump up and try to get away, but he would push me down and talk in that "stern" voice that's like the tone of yelling without being a higher volume.

There was one time when I was sleeping in my bed, and he came in and got in bed next to me, and I got scared and then he pretended to be all offended because he was "just" coming to cuddle with me.  As if I could know that.  But then of course it turned out that he was coming to "cuddle" because he wanted to have sex and he was trying to "get me in the mood" first, for which he patted himself on the back, isn't it so much better than what he used to do, I should be happy.

He was usually wanting to do horrible things that I didn't want to do, but because I was terrified of being without him, I would end up saying ok to certain things, and he would always do more than what I agreed to.  Sometimes he would claim that what he did technically fit within what I agreed to, even though he knew full well that it was not what I had in mind, letter vs spirit.  Other times he would say that he just had to do that because he had to "come".

The last day, I was living with him, and he came home from work, and I was watching icarly, and he said "will you give me a lapdance" and I didn't feel like doing that, I would never feel like doing that, but I thought I could do it anyway and still watch tv, but that didn't "please" him, so I paused the tv, but then he also turned it off, and I knew from experience that his shit would go on so long that the tv would unpause, because his version of directv only pauses live tv for 2 hours, so I was mad that he was basically saying I had to miss a show I wanted to watch so that he could use me as a "cum receptical", and I had decided the day before that I was going to tell him I wasn't going to do this bullshit anymore, but I had wanted to wait till "a good time" to do it, so I hadn't told him last night because he was tired, and I hadn't told him when he got home from work because he was tired from work, and I couldn't tell him now because he was horny, so I thought maybe this will be the last time but as I started to put his disgusting penis in my mouth as he had demanded, I thought no I can't do this again, and he said "do it now or I'm breaking up with  you," and I sat back and looked up at him and he said ok pack your shit.  He later spoke of this as me breaking up with him.

I still felt sad about the idea of never talking to him again, so when he started texting me 6 days later, saying how sad he was, I said I wanted to be friends with him.  So he came over to my house, and then he started saying how he couldn't be around me and not touch me, he couldn't just be friends.  So I started having sex with him again even though I didn't want to.  It wasn't bad stuff like before, but I didn't enjoy it at all.  That happened about 3 times I think, and then I moved away to go to college again.  He was talking about visiting me and talking about having sex and talking about paying me for it, and then I told him I didn't want him to come visit me, that I was dreading it, that I didn't want to do any of that since he kicked me out of his apartment, that he was basically a monster in my life, and he pretended to be shocked, that he thought I was always consenting, that he had no idea I felt coerced.  Apparently just being in his apartment he considered consent for him to push me down on the couch and shove his penis in my face and call me a "cum receptical" which was one of his favorite terms.  He would always say after he "finished" that he didn't really mean any of it, that he just said it so he could orgasm.  But that didn't take away the horror I felt from actually doing those things or from hearing those words.

This is such a ramble, I'm not writing in any kind of logical order.

I've been thinking about it and I don't think that rape is the right word for most of this.  There were 3 times when he unequivocably raped me, 3 times when I said no and he pushed me down and forced his penis in.  And that was bad, but it wasn't the worst.  Much worse were all the times he nagged and bullied me until I said ok.  I don't know, actually.

The first time was maybe a misunderstanding.  Or something.  It was in the first, like, week of the relationship.  He was shoving his penis in and out of me, and it was hurting so I told him to stop.  He stopped and we both sat up.  I was breathing heavily as the pain subsided.  He said, "Are you ok?"  I said, "Yeah,"  He said, "OK," and pushed me down and I said, "No-- wait-- what are you doing--" and then I just stayed quiet after that because I thought he must have thought when I said I was ok that I meant it was ok for him to start again.  Then after about 30 seconds he stopped again.  I told him I didn't want to do it anymore and he said ok, and I said "you technically just raped me," and he got all indignant and said, "No I didn't!  You told me to stop and I stopped!"  I started to describe to him what had just happened, and he said, "So it took me a few seconds to stop, I still stopped."  But that's not what happened.  I said "no" as he was pushing me down, he didn't have his penis inside me yet at that point... so I guess then it depends on what counts as "having started".  I suppose he'd claim he already had momentum and just couldn't brake quickly enough so his penis had to go in and out of me about 50 times before he was able to stop.  I think that's bullshit.  So I don't think it was really a misunderstanding.  I think it was just that he thought he could get away with it.

The 2nd and 3rd times were on consecutive days.  We were in bed, naked, because he wanted to have sex.  But I said I didn't want to do it right then.  I didn't really want to do it at all, but I was trying to psyche myself up to the point where I could deal with it, to appease him, and I just wasn't ready yet, like not being quite ready for the doctor to stick the needle in when you're getting a shot, or something.  But he didn't want to wait, I guess, so he pushed me down, and at first I said "no" but then I knew that it wouldn't do any good, so I laid there and I let my eyes unfocus and I tried to ignore the pain, and he ejaculated inside me, and then he acted like he did nothing wrong.  I think he said thank you.  The 3rd time, I didn't even bother saying no, he just pushed me down and as soon as I realized what he was doing, I went away in my imagination, to a place of nothing.

But then there were all the times I said ok, when I didn't want to do it, and he knew it.  There was at least one time, I can remember, that I said "yes".  I don't think I ever meant yes, but I think it's excusable for him not to know that yes didn't mean yes.  And even some of the times when I said ok, it was probably excusable for him not to know that I didn't want to do it, but many times he must have known, and he didn't care.  He just wanted to do whatever he could get away with.  There were many times he spent hours nagging and bullying me before I said "ok" and I said I was concerned that it was dangerous and he said, "Who cares?" again and again.  That was horrible, and I knew I should leave, but I was scared to leave.  There was even one time before the end that I broke up with him, but then he acted all sorry and I got back together with him.  And there was another time before that that he broke up with me and then begged me to take him back and I did.  After every break-up and get-back-together, it was always better for a while.

The worst of it would be the memories of the physical pain.  After that the awkwardness, maybe a kind of shame, at some of the things he demanded.  Yes, I was ashamed, I was ashamed that I was doing it, that I was giving in to him.  For certain things.  But the worst is not the memory of the pain, the worst is the pain I still have.  It's less now, but still there, and occasionally there will be a burst of more, like I am being stabbed inside.  hate hate hate.  hate myself.

There was also all this stuff he said to me... but it would go back and forth.  One minute he was saying how great I was, the next he was saying that I was too fat, that my teeth were ugly, that my hair was stupid, that he had to do that because I looked like a boy, that i wasn't good enough for him, that he would break up with me if he could find someone better, that i owed him all this sex, that i should be his slave because he had a job and i didn't.  He showed pictures and said they were better than me, he called me slave, he made me say those things, he tried to ruin everything in my life by connecting it to his dominance.  He said phoebe tonkin was better than me and wanted me to think about how she was better than me every time i watched h2o or the secret circle, which she is in.  I hated that stuff, I hated what he said, even though he said that it was just to "help [him] come", except that he was serious about me not being skinny enough, he made a list of everything i must change, i must let my hair grow a certain length, i must lose weight on this schedule, i must dress to his desire, i must get my teeth fixed.  Again and again he mentioned these things.  He said that he did stuff for me, since he made all the money, did all the driving, therefore I should do those things he demanded, things I haven't even mentioned here too awful.  But he didn't really do that much for me.  Taking me to wal-mart?  Walking with me in the park?  And for that I must play your slave every day?  And be in physical pain and risk permanent injury?  Who cares, he said.  So what, he said.  He didn't care about my pain, my life.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Jesse ate my pears.

So, I went and got lunch from the dining hall, with my stupid meal plan.  They had pears, like from a can, so I got some, because I like those.  Jesse got some too, and then he wanted pear juice but the spoons they had were the holey kind, so he got a little spoon and he was not good at scooping it so I did it for him, anyway, then we were sitting at the table, and my pears were on my tray, and his pears were I don't know where, and then he ate my pears, and I didn't notice, and then he was like "oops, I ate your pears, here you can have mine."  But his were all gross looking, so I suggested he drive me to wal-mart and buy me a can of pears, which is only $1.  But he said he didn't have any money, so I said I would buy them but he could at least drive me there.  But he didn't want to and said that I was being ridiculous.

It may not be a big deal, but it is a deal.  He took my pears that I wanted to eat for lunch.  He should make it up to me, if he values our relationship or cares about my feelings.  It's true that he apologized.  He did literally say, "I'm sorry," several times, and I believe that he really meant it.  He also came up with a way to try to make it up to me.  The problem comes in when what he suggests is not acceptable to me.  It shouldn't just stop there.  I then suggested something else that would be acceptable to me.  He didn't want to do it, though.  That's ok, he doesn't have to just immediately agree to what I suggest.  He can come back with another counter-offer.  But he didn't, he just kept repeating the first offer.

I think he's disregarding my feelings for two reasons.  One, he didn't try to find a mutually agreeable solution for the problem that he created, albeit unintentionally.  And two, he said that my refusal of his offer to eat his pears instead was ridiculous.  He asked why I didn't want to just take his, and I said because they looked gross.  But he didn't accept that explanation.  I asked why he didn't want to go to wal-mart, because I don't want the way he makes it up to me to be a really big burden on him, although it would probably have to be some burden on him, because he's the one making up for a mistake.  Anyway, he said because "It's ridiculous, and it's a waste of my time and gas."  Him saying it's ridiculous is just a repeat of not accepting my reason for not wanting his pears, that I thought they looked gross.  That's really offensive to me.  It's in a general categorie of people saying, "You should like this!  And that you don't means you're stupid!"  And is it really a waste of his time and gas?  Is it a waste of his resources to make something up to me when he made a mistake?  Perhaps it would be better for him if I just forgave him already.  But only if he doesn't care about my feelings.  If it were reversed, I wouldn't like him to forgive me and then just be miserable and not say anything.  I want to find a solution where all people involved feel loved and respected and get to eat their pears that they paid for.

Kamberly said that if Paden accidentally ate her pears, he would offer to get some the next time he was at the store.  So I suggested that to jesse after he again refused to take me to the store now.  (Really, I said, "It stopped raining, so we can go to wal-mart now," and he said, "Are you serious???".)  He did say he would get some pears next time he was at wal-mart, but he said it with that "jeez you are so ridiculous but I will do this to shut you up" tone.  But really I think he's ridiculous for eating my pears.  They were on my tray.  How could he possibly mistake them for his?  Only by being an idiot.  Also, a few days ago, he mistook my drink for his, even though his had ice and mine didn't.  Idiot.  And on monday, I told him I needed to be somewhere by 11:00, after I spent the night at his house to help him study, and he stopped for donuts and made me 20 minutes late, and I ended up just missing out on the 5$ I would have made for that tutoring session.  So I guess I feel like the stupid has been piling up and that's why I feel so strongly in this case that he should do something to make it up to me.

It's not like he's just always messing stuff up for me, though.  He took me to the bus station and picked me up from there when I came back.  He offered to walk me home after my night class.  I like having sex with him.  He's usually really nice and generous.  I suspect that there's something I don't know or understand that's in his mind about driving/gas that he doesn't know how to explain to me.  That kind of thing happens with me and my mom all the time, and whenever I finally understand what the hell she's talking about, and I articulate it, she goes, "Yeah!  Of course!  I thought that was obvious!"  So I hypothesize that there's something that jesse thinks is obvious that isn't obvious to me that's impeding our mutual understanding.  That still doesn't excuse him from trying to come up with a mutually agreeable way to make it up to me, but I think on that front I shall blame his Asperger's Syndrome.

And I think that he probably thinks I'm just asking way more than what is justified by the situation.  So.  Well.  I don't know how to fix that, but at least he offered to buy me pears later.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

same-sex marriage, privilege, ramble, there's a point in here somewhere

I went to a viewing party for the debate thingies between those two people thingies who are vying for that job thingie.  There I met a woman who said that romney was the lesser of two evils, and then I mentioned same-sex marriage, and she said she doesn't care if they have "civil unions", but she's just against "them" using the word "marriage".  Why?  I don't get it.  What the hell is the big deal if they use that word?  You might say to me, if it's not a big deal, then why don't I just let it go.  But it's like, on the one hand you're suggesting that someone just let go a little freedom, because it's "not a big deal", but on the other hand, I'm suggesting that someone just let go a little control-freakiness, because it's none of their god-damned business what terms I or anyone else use to refer to my relationships.  I am suggesting a more free stance, and they love freedom until it comes to same-sex marriage.  I don't get it!  I have an idea of where it might come from.  It might be that they (the different-sex couples) have this, like, privilege, and they don't want to let it go, they don't want to share it with others, because then it's not a privileged status for them.  And while they may claim to believe that that's "just what marriage is", the fact that they are so afraid of letting other people use the word shows that they really do know that the concept of marriage is fluid, defined by societal recognition rather than by the fabric of the universe or by god.

I don't know, it kind of reminds me of how I know people personally, from college, who believe that they are wolves and shit, like they believe they have the soul of another species.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but whatever, you know?  They can call themselves wolves or turtles or anything, because it doesn't affect me in the slightest.  Even if they got legal recognition of some kind of their identities, it wouldn't bother me, because it doesn't mean anything to me!  I'd be against them getting special privileges, but getting to have their identities recognized by other people in whatever the hell way they wish, that's not a special privilege, that's just them trying to get the exact same recognition that most people ("normal" people) have automatically.  And different-sex couples have this recognition of their commitments to each other, but same-sex couples don't have that in a wide-spread way, and that's what's unfair.  The people who are against it babble about teh geys wanting special rights, but it's actually the straight people who are currently having special rights and they don't want to give them up.  But I'm against that, I'm against any group having special privileges, even if it's a group that I'm part of!

Saturday, October 13, 2012


I haven't been even coming here very much because I am in skewl and I didn't bring my computer with me, so I have to use a computer on campus, and blah.

I decided to do an associates in programming, and even though the advisor is against it, I think I can finish it next semester, though I will have to send the transcript from tarleton, because there's ONE class that I took there that I need for this degree.  Or I could just like take a cleppy test for it or something, lol.  IDK.  Anyway, I have an A in programming right now, and I don't think I have an A in any of my other classes.

Some random guy came up to me in the student center and introduced himself and then told me I was hot, and asked if I was afraid to date a black guy.

K, that's all.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

school and stuff

It's been four weeks of school now, and I kind of fell behind a little, but now I'm catching up again.  I wanted to start a club, but I don't really think I have time to do that and get A's in all my classes.  Maybe I won't get A's anyway, but I think I need to try to get the best grades possible, because I want to apply for scholarships for the spring.  I just looked it up and my gpa is a 2.93.  It probably needs to be above a 3.0 to get scholarships.  I'm retaking one of the classes I failed/quit going to the last time I was in skewl.  I just checked the mathies, and I only have to get a C in that class to get my gpa above 3.0, but then of course i have to get at least a B in everything else.  Math history I think will be easy, I think.  It would have been nice to retake it math history 1, hrm, but they weren't offering it, so the same thing won't happen with that, though I could maybe retake it later.  meh.  Anyway, spanish eh, I think I can get a B in that, maybe an A.  Pols, I have no idea really.  I'll be relieved if i just get a C.  I think programming I'll get an A in, and phil, idk.  Anyway, in other news, I added a 5th class, which I mentioned a moment ago:  Programming 1, and the lab for it.  So it costed another $1025, but I decided to also do the associate's degree in computer programming, which, I predict, will be more useful in regards to getting a job, than the math BA.  Also I'm maybe going to get a major in spanish too.  Anyway, I added programming 1, four weeks into the semester, because then next semester that opens up two more CS classes I can take.  So anyway blah blah blah, I was not wanting to stay here because this place is stupid and arkansasy, but Nicole is here, and I'm currently also dating someone here, so that's nice.  They talk like they think we're going to be dating for a while.  They wanted me to stay here longer, they got me thinking about the cs degree, they apparently also want me to go to graduate school here, but idt i can go that far with it.  I want to go back to texas.  Or oklahoma, but probably texas.  So I'm going to be here for 2 years, if all goes to the current plan.
I've decided to call nicole and jesse both "they" for a while.  It's hard to jump straight to using the pronoun "sim", since it's not really an english word, or any kind of word, and you can see that people are confused when you use it.  Also, people are obviously confused when you call someone who looks unambiguously male "she", or when you calls someone who looks unambiguously female "he".  So I'm going to use "they" and I'm going to ask jesse and nicole to use "they" for now too.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

school, updates

It's weird to me how other people talk about graduation.  Like it's just something normal, something they do every day.  To me it was a terrifying mystery, but then I kind of avoided high school graduation, but then I encountered the same thing with college.  Now if everything works out, I'm going to "graduate" next year.  It seems really weird, but not as scary as before, because now I'm planning to just move back in with my parents.  We live in a big city so it seems like as good a place as any to find a job.  I feel a lot better about this stupid "life" thing now that I've realized I don't have to "move out".  Perhaps I will do that some day, but you know the point is that I can do it whenever I want to.  not think about other thing

I hope it works out.  I'm still not sure if I can actually pass that stupid senior seminar.  It's going to be the same person "teaching" it, and I'm still not going to know real analysis or complex analysis, so I'll probably still fail that stupid exit exam, and they'll still want me to do that portfolio that I didn't even understand and a project.  But whatever.  I will figure it out.... and if it doesn't work,... i can try again or I can switch to majoring in spanish or something.

god my neck hurts.  Not as bad as ever but more persistent.  I don't know what to do.  The popping doesn't go away.  Doctors should know everything.  Tracie said that doctors only do "medical" things, but that's (can't think of a nice way to say) FUCKING RETARDED.  Doctors are supposed to know about health, not just drugs.  A doctor should be able to tell you that you need physical therapy, not just give you a drug.  A doctor should be able to tell you that you should lose weight, not just give you drugs for high blood pressure.  A doctor should be able to give you advice on how to lose weight or refer you to a nutritionist, not just kick you out of the office and leave you to figure it all out on your own.  I don't have any idea how to find a physical therapist or a nutritionist.  I have some vague idea how to find a doctor.  The doctor should be able to help me.  But apparently they can't/won't.

I haven't eaten any meat since june 17th.  Oo, I'm coming up on two months!

So I guess I'm going to get a refund check of 1000-1500.  Blarg, I wonder if they have scholarships for the spring.  Oh well it will work out somehow I think.  I'm starting to feel scared or nervous or something.  This is the best choice though I think given what I know.  I'm going to go read more of my math history book now.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Success, and to-do list.

I haven't eaten any meat for 13 days straight.  I'm feeling confident about continuing it.

1.  Don't eat meat.
2.  Don't eat animal products at all.
3.  Walk 3 hours every day.
4.  Do weight-training every other day.
5.  Get a job.
6.  Read computer science books.
7.  Eat less crap.  Actually, eat no crap; eat only good food.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I've read 26 pages today.

12 hours at 12 pages per hour would be 144 pages.  I normally watch tv pretty much continuously all day, but today I only watched 3 shows and in between that I turned the tv off.  But I went places with my mom for a couple of hours and then there was eating time, but actually that coincided with watching tv, so really it was only 5 hours of doing other crap, but there's also just little times of wandering around doing nothing, or going to the bathroom, or whatever.  Also, I woke up at 1:30.  So I've been awak for almost twelve hours, and 5 hours were devoted to other things, and I got 2:10 worth of reading done, so about 5 hours are unaccounted for.  Um seriously what did I do during that time?
So I supposedly have another 4 hours of waking time.  So that would be 48 pages, out of the 118 I wish I could complete.  Well, as long as I'm wishing for things....  Or maybe I can read faster than that.  IDK.  I'm a go try but I have been reading a lot, or so it feels, so I'm going to take a break till 2:00.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

3 news items

I've been slowing reading a computer science book, with the plan to read all my other CS books too, and then my physics books, and then maybe some other books too.  Anyway, I spend a lot of time watching stupid things on tv, and I could be doing something a lot more useful with that time.  I had timed myself before, reading a political science schoolbook, and it consistently took me 5 minutes to read one page.  So I'm assuming that rate.  So I added up the time it would take to read all my CS books, and it came out to 473:50, and if I read 12 hours a day then that's 40 days.  So when I'm reading, I'm going to be doing nothing else, no tv, no music.  And we'll see if I can do it.

I have a diet plan that's pretty cheap, and I looked stuff up online and it seems reasonably healthy.
beans x 3
oatmeal x 3
vegetables x 3
water 60 oz, from a bottle with a filter
Total (cereal)
B12 pill
It's about $3.13/day, 1500 calories, 56 grams of protein.

The apartment we live in is 955$ and it's going up to 1054$.  Which is stupid.  Because my mom is the only one with a job and it's not affordable, it was barely affordable at $955.  So anyway, I said this is now definitely the time to seek a new apartment.  So I made a list of apartments (found on the interbutts) that are close to my mom's work and are cheaper than this one, and supposedly we're going to go drive and look at the apartments tomorrow to see if they look live-in-able and find out the real costs, since the interbutts are probably wrong, and if they have apartments available.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I was on lovejoyfeminism, and someone started telling me that I should not adopt an infant.  I invited them to my blog to leave me more information.  So I'm making this post in case that person comes here.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Maybe melanie will read this.

Melanie says she doesn't like kids.  When asked why, she alludes to mucus and coughing and scratching.  I point out that none of that is synonymous with "kids".  I wasn't gross when I was a kid.  If anything, I'm more gross now, as an adult, because I'm sick waay more often these days, and I have horrible sinus problems that I did not have when I was little.  She says that I'm not trying to understand her feeling of disgust towards kids and that I'm actually just trying to argue her out of it.  Well, no, I'm not trying to argue her out of her feelings.  I'm trying to get her to think about what her feelings actually are.  If someone says that they hate black people, you can question them about it, and maybe get to the bottom of their feelings, and maybe find out that they don't actually hate black people, but rather they hate some other group that overlaps with black people.  I mean, I've never heard someone criticize black people for having dark skin.  It's usually nonsense about "them" being "lazy" and "stupid".  So what they really hate is lazy and stupid people.  And probably what melanie really hates is loud, gross people who invade her personal space, and she's unfairly associated that with children.  I come across a lot of kids in my daily life, at the park, in the store, and in my family, and the percentage of them that run up and touch you uninvited or get snot on you is vanishingly small.

Melanie also said that she didn't like herself when she was a kid.  If she really means that, then frown.  But I don't think she means it.  She said something about having the flu making you gross, and she was comparing being a kid to having the flu.  So from that I guess I have to infer that she was covered in snot when she was a kid, and she hated it.  But she didn't hate herself, and she doesn't hate kids.  She hates snot.

And don't we all.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

If gender roles are natural, then why do they have to be enforced?

If they're natural, then why is there ever a boy who wants to wear a dress?  There are people who think it's really important to make girls "act like girls".  But, is being a girl just a biological fact, or is it a set of behaviours?  Is it natural, or is it imposed?  They say it's natural, but then they impose it.  If a kid wants a toy that's meant for the other gender, people tend to freak out.  I guess maybe it's because they think that the different behaviours are natural, but then there are outliers.  But then instead of just letting those outliers be themselves, you have to force them to be normal.  Well at least I maybe understand what they're thinking now.  I still think they're stupid and wrong, though.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The word "suck" is sexist.

I thoughtlessly used it earlier today, and then a few hours later I realized it should be on that list of words I'm not going to say anymore.  Except to talk about the word itself, of course.

It's sexist because it takes a roll or behaviour that is coercively assigned to women and then equates is to anything bad.

Sometimes people say, "Balls!" as an explitive.  I wonder if that's bad, too.  What if people said, "Ovaries!"?  Maybe using a term that's associated with women in any way is automatically (more) bad since women are the (more) oppressed group.

How does 25 cents feed an african for a day?

Is the cost of food really so inflated in america?  I can't eat for less than 3$ a day, and that's a bare minimum.  But where are they buying the food that they give to the starving africans?  If they buy it in america, then it should cost just as much as my food.  I've always thought that the reason africans were starving was because there wasn't enough food in africa.  If that's the case, then they'd have to be buying the food in america or something, so how is it so cheap?

I currently buy stupid shitty expensive food every day.  I buy some good cheap food too, but I haven't completely gotten away from poptarts and frozen pizza.  (Speaking of which, god I want some poptarts.  I was at the store earlier and I almost got some.  The thing is that they are only yummy for about 3 bites, so I decided it was a waste of money.)  But if I stopped eating that shit and I just bought the cheap, healthy, necessary food, I could cut my food budget down enough that it would free up enough money to donate to one of those charities.  But I don't have my own money right now.  My mom buys my food.  And even if I ate really cheaply for several months, my mom still wouldn't donate any money to a charity.  And if I brought it up right now, she would say that I would just keep buying the expensive food even after we donated money.

I live in an authoritarian environment, which causes me to expand to fill whatever room the rules leave.  I see it, and I hate it, but I can't stand the immediate indignity of submitting to my mom even when I know that that same behaviour leads to a greater but more remote different dignity.

Growing up means feeling alone.

There was a time when we huddled under a table together, frightened and clinging to eachother for support in a terrifying moment.

It's been 13 years since I even touched you.  It's been about 17 years since I felt close to you.  Why did that happen?  Is it that you didn't love me the way I loved you?  Or is it that you do love me still, but there's some kind of fear holding you back?  A fear of rejection, or a fear of other people's disapproval.  I definitely fear rejection.  But I put out little signs.  I implore you to see them, so that we can be friends again like we once were.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I had an idea for a post yesterday ...

... and I forgot what it was.

If I had been able to go post it right away, that wouldn't have happened.  But my computer is broken, so I have to wait till my brother goes to sleep so I can use his.  I should have written down my idea.  But actually I was outside at the time, so I had probably already forgotten it by the time I got to a pencil and paper.

I've decided to purge my speech ...

... of certain insults and explitives.

I'm not sure how to delineate the entire categorie.  I mean, it's like I want to stop using words that are insulting.  But when it comes to the words that are used as insults, I mean insulting insults.  I mean, ones that insult the person you're trying to insult by insulting other completely innocent people.

Fuck - It contains the idea that sex is violence that a man commits against another, weaker person.
Bitch - It's sexist because it means a female breeding dog, and because it's mostly aimed at women, and because it implies something negative about a woman's appearance and also implies that a woman being ugly makes her worthless.
Bastard - There's nothing wrong with being born to unmarried parents.

There's a lot of other words that I'm not sure about.  Like "shit", and "stupid".  But anyway I'm going to start with those three, and also "asshole" and "dick".

I have had horrible sinus problems for the past 11 years.

It started when I was about 14.  It's horrible congestion, feeling like I can't breathe, feeling like I'm drowning in snot, needing to blow my nose almost constantly, and blowing out mountains of snot every time.  How how how can my nose make that much snot?  How!?

I don't think it's just allergies, because every time I go visit this one friend, he gets sick too.  So it must involve bacteria or a virus, right?

Sometimes I take claritinD or something for it.  I think it helps, but it's not like I've tested it scientifically or anything.  Same for coldeeze, btw.

I don't say that I'm sick all the time.  Maybe this sinus problem is a sickness, but it's like I'm so used to it, and it came on rather inconspicuously, so it's just, you know, my life.  But sometimes I get a sickness that feels like the problems of my nose spreading into my throat, and I feel like there's a blockage between my nose and throat, and it's painful as opposed to just uncomfortable.  It hurts to swallow water.  It hurts to speak, specifically to make the back-of-the-mouth sounds.  I convert all consonants to dental and stop making the back vowels, and no one can understand me.  Certain people are totally unsympathetic to the pain I'm in and refuse to even talk to me, insisting that I'm just being ridiculous.  I don't know if it's that they don't believe it hurts, or if they don't care.  Like, maybe they think that I should just deal with the pain.  Right, I should prioritize their desire to easily understand what I'm saying over my desire to not be in such terrible pain.  How about no.  Anyway, the last time I felt that sickness coming on, I took coldeeze, and it never got so bad.  But again, I didn't do any scientific experiment.  Maybe I was wrong about being about to get sick like that.  Maybe it would have been mild anyway.  But claritinD and coldeeze have been scientifically tested by other people, right?

Speaking again of my perenial sinus congestion, I'd really like to not have this problem anymore.  Sometimes, I get a few minutes of relief.  Sometimes, I blow my nose, and then I feel like I can breathe freely through my nose.  I love that feeling.  Then a few minutes later, my nose produces more snot.

You know what.  I think I've had sinus problems longer than 11 years.  It definitely got way worse when I was 14, but I remember when I was 12 feeling stuffed up and just breathing through my mouth all the time.  Maybe it went back further than that.  I don't know.  Maybe it's congenital or whatever.

When I was a little kid, I used to ask to go to the doctor all the time, for whatever.  Any time I was in pain.  But my mom always said no.  She always said that doctors don't know anything anyway.  So by the time I had this sinus problem, I already believed, as my mom told me, that there was no point in asking a doctor about it.  It would just be a waste of money.  So I'm still sort of stuck in that habit.  That's why I haven't gone to a doctor about this.  I was at a doctor for something else recently, and I asked about this, and they just said "probably allergies".  At some point, I will go to the doctor for this specifically.

My mom always yells at me because I drop used tissues on the floor.  She wants to put them directly in the trash.  She can't put herself in my shoes and realize how intrusive it is into my life that I have to blow my nose every 5 minutes, and how I'd be able to get even less done if I had to get up and take the tissue to the trash every time.  I put a little trash can in the living room so that I could throw the tissues in that, but someone kept moving the trashcan off to inconvenient places, like under the coffee table or behind the couch, so I gave up on that.  My mom's attitude toward me in this situation is like, "Yeah, I know you're miserable and sick and in pain and terribly inconvenienced all the time, but these pieces of paper on the floor are really bothering me and YOU NEED to pick them up."  I've tried to explain to my mom that in general if she wants something done, she should do it herself.  But she doesn't agree.  She rather believes that I am responsible for her feelings and her comfort.

Excuse me, I have to go blow my nose.

This is what happend with Ed.

I saw Ed playing DDR one day.  He was amazingly good at it.
I talked to him.  He seemed to like me.
After a week or two, I lost interest.
Then another DDRer showed me an entry on Ed's xanga where he seemed to be talking about me, though he never mentioned me by name.  The xanga entry made it sound like he liked me a lot.  So I decided to talk to him more and see if I liked him again.
A week or so after that, I was in the middle of playing DDR, and I happened to glance around me, and I saw Ed kissing someone.  I noticed that the kiss looked really awkward, as if they had just said, "Hey, let's kiss now."  I thought, welp, guess he's not interested anymore.
A couple of weeks later, a thread appeared on bemanitx, a forum where a bunch of people from that arcade posted.  It was directed at me.  It was Ed saying how he didn't like me and I needed to back off and leave him alone.  He said that he had staged that kiss to try to "hint" to me that he wasn't interested.  I read through the entire 3 pages that had appeared thus far.  It was mostly people posting insulting things about me.  I posted and told him that I had indeed seen the kiss, but I hadn't found that to be cause enough to stop talking to him.  He was, after all, still a person, and still a fellow DDRer.  I said that, while I liked him for a week or two, ever since then I had just been being friendly, and it really isn't my fault that he misinterpreted that as a come-on.  And, I didn't tell him this, but why exactly did he stage a kiss for me to see when I was on the DDR stage in the middle of playing?  I happened to see it, but wasn't that just a fluke?  How did he know I would turn then?  Anyway, his response to me saying that I had just been being friendly was, "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  Ed was certain that I was hopelessly in love with him and was now just trying to save face.  The thread went on for a while longer, as we argued over other stupid random things, and when I say we argued, I mean Ed made wild and stupid accusations, and I tried to explain to him why he was wrong.  Other people kept posting too, throwing their two cents into the idiocy.  Ed said he never wanted to talk to me again.  I didn't consider that to be a big loss, but I was upset over the fact that someone could be so crazy and irrational and hate me so much, and over the mean things other posters had said about me.  Finally, a moderator deleted the thread.
I saw Ed about a year later.  I was working at Wendy's.  An old man was ordering some food for him and his family.  I asked what kind of drink on the meals, then he said his grandson could come over and say what kind of drink he wanted for his meal.  The grandson was Ed.  As soon as Ed saw that the cashier was ME, he turned and faced the opposite way and crossed his arms over his chest.  I started shaking at the though of having a face-to-face confrontation.  One of the managers saw that I was freaking out, and had me go off and clean trays while another cashier finished the order.  Ed went up and gave his drink order to my replacement.  I didn't speak to Ed or anything.  I didn't even get another glimpse of him after that.
I haven't seen him or interacted with him at all since then, at least as far as I know.  Maybe some random person on the internet was him and I just didn't know it.

I saw a picture of bacon today, and I felt disgust.

That seems like some good progress on this whole vegetarian thing.  I think I'm getting more used to it and I think I'm approaching the time when I can eliminate other animal products, such as eggs and cheese.  I feel doubtful as to whether I will ever eliminate honey.  I don't really "eat honey", but it's in a lot of things I do eat, like bread, and some of the cereals I like.  But if someone gave me a good moral or health argument for not eating honey, well, I'm open to that possibility.

Saturday, April 21, 2012