Friday, June 23, 2017

friday plan

I walked about 3 miles today.  I am slightly sleepy now.  I could try to just go to sleep now.  I haven't decided what to do about walking tomorrow.  Hum, it's not like I did anything else useful, but I also feel kinda icky about deciding to do nothing but watch yt and walk back and forth across the apt.  I don't have to do it all day though, even if I only walk 2mph, it's still only 5 hours?  Gah that's a big chunk of my day.  It's like a third of the day.  What do I do all day?  Read effulgence, I guess.

tomorrow:
walk 10 miles
stretch
walk 1/5m every hour after that
drink water
eat 2 protein bars
drink 1-2 slimfast things.
eat reqd
eat other stuff I already have
duolingo
trivia crack
tagalog book / online
clean room

I need to pay more attention to my long-term goals.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

the last ~9 hours

I woke up at 11:49 because nicole called me. Ni came over and then left at 3 something, almost 4.  Then I went to the store and got some junkfood and ate it and I also got some kroger slimfast.  I think that and the zone bars might be "junky" enough to satisfy me and besides that I'll eat some of the slightly boring food I already have.   I have walked 2 miles today.  It's not so much that I'm tired from walking but that it is boring.  I have about 7 hours left.  Also I want to go back to waking up when the sun comes up.  I want to go for a walk outside in the morning.  I might be able to stand to walk a mile per hour for the rest of the night.  But regularly I think I'll need to do the walking in bigger chunks.  idk.  I give myself a couple more days to sort this out.

I know that any weight loss will be good, because I am in fact obese at this point, but if I knew that I would never be comfortably skinny again, I might not bother.

half a mile per hour sounds quite doable.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

plan for 6-21-17 (is today ryan's birthday?)

Hunter has two loads of laundry sitting out here waiting to be done.  I should do one today.  It's one of those things where there's no specific deadline yet but I should generally do it.  I don't do well with those.  It gets dark at about 8:45, so I should definitely start the laundry by 7pm.  I don't feel like doing it now, I'll never feel like doing it, I hate doing laundry.  Even when the washer and dryer is right there in my house I still hate it.

I ate a shitfuckton of food the last couple days so I'm only eating total, carrots, brazilnut, flaxseed for 24 hours, which means till 3am tonight.  So that's 9 more hours.  I haven't eaten anything since I woke up (4 hours ago) because I'm not actually hungry, but I am bored and used to eating garbage so I keep thinking about pizza and stuff.  I've walked like 1 mile today.  I could go walk outside instead of back and forth across apartment.  That would probably be less boring.  idk.  Here I can listen to a video while walking but the walking itself is boring.  but supposedly going outside has other benefits?  or maybe it's too late (in the day) for the sunlight to do its magic.  It wouldn't be too hard to go out and walk around the apartment complex twice.  That would be 1 mile.  idk.  I could also just keep walking around inside.  I need to do something to distract myself from junkfood.  I don't really feel like going outside.  But also I need to walk 9 more miles today and doing it inside seems infeasible because I tend to do about half a mile every two hours.  Going for a walk outside also necessitates making sure I don't look gross because if I do there's a chance I'd be harassed and maybe kicked out of the apartment complex if I pissed people off enough.  I'm already sort of worried about getting in trouble just for walking around.

ok here's my plan
brush teeth
change socks done
put on shoes done
find money and soap done
take down laundry done
start laundry done
bring back hamper done
walk around twice done
put clothes to dry done
walk around 4 times
get hamper done
bring back clothes done
go to store and buy something for to eat later tonight done

actually I'm going to look for money first.

I walked around twice.  I finished it twice in 24 minutes.  I guess that's reasonable.  I'm trying to confirm that it's actually a mile and I'm not overestimating the distance.  I want to get one of those clicky pushy things to measure the distance.  The laundry will be done in 1 minute but I'm all tired and sweaty and not going to run down there right this second.

So when I go put the laundry to dry it will take 45 minutes, so that's not enough time to walk 2 miles, I'd go a little over.  So let's just say I get done walking 2 miles by 8pm.  Then I get the hamper get the clothes bring them back, yeah that does leave time to go to the store before it gets dark, but the problem with that is that just walking one mile was really tiring and I'm sweaty and I don't think I could do two .... I could.  I could do it, but I'm predicting that I won't like how tired it makes me.  Why is it so much harder than walking inside?  Inside I totally underestimate the distance.  I'm definitely walking farther when I do it inside.  I'm hungry.  No, I'm not really hungry, I'm just imagining eating icecream and drinking dr pepper.  I need to go put the clothes to dry.  What will I do while the clothes are drying?  I'll probably just walk inside.  Or go to the store.

I'm afraid I'm going to eat a lot tonight and like ... make up for the time I didn't eat and still overeat.  I need to not do that.  Oh man it's still 8 hours till I can eat anything fun.  I haven't eaten anything yet because eating is itself so boring to me that I usually can't bring myself to do it unless it's pizza or macaroni or something.

to get the miles done that I want, I need to walk 10 miles a day every day starting today.  and I've only done 2 so far today.  I've done it before (like back in 2010-2011) so it's not really crazy, but I'm finding it hard these days because I'm so in the habit of sitting around.  I need to get in to the habit of going for walks a lot, like instead of being like "mm dr pepper", I need to be like "mm walking outside for 20 minutes".

old note, funeral song, home depot, ¿jewish refugees?

at a funeral they played the song "say something I'm giving up on you".  Isn't that a weird choice?  The lyrics don't seem to be about death, but people in the comments of a yt video of it keep talking about people dying.

some home depots are called just "home depot" and some are called "the home depot".  Sup with that?  My guess based on googling is that the store is called "the home depot" and sometimes they don't bother putting the "the" on the building.

my note says "jewish refugees".  I suppose if I'd gotten back to the note in a timely manner that would have jogged my memory.  I googled it and am reminded of the story of jewish refugees being turned away from usa during hitler's murderathon.  I vaguely recall something about jews and muslims being kicked out of spain in like the 1400's.  I don't know why I made this note though.

old note, misgendering, babies

I'm going through the notes on my phone and deleting ones I don't need anymore.  One mentions my aggressively misgendering giraffe.  That's what I've decided to call it even though I initially called it something else, because the new name is more accurate and sounds cool.  My cousin walked up while I was talking to someone else and held up this stuffed giraffe and said "well, I'm giving these to all the LITTLE GIRLS" and I was just like o_o confused and I took it and said "ok" because uh yeah I'm not going to call out even accidental misgendering with this family, I know it's completely pointless, and this was clearly intentional.

What was his goal?  Was he hoping I would protest?  Or did he just want to be like "i think you're a girl, neener neener"?  I already knew what he thought, he didn't need to tell me.  Did he think saying that would somehow force me to conform more than I do?  WTF?  I wish I could ask him.  But asking him about it has the same problems as protesting when he first said it would have.

In the same note I mentioned that I think most people have kids because they never question the assumption that they are supposed to have kids.  That's all.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

not normal, labels

a few people have told me that I really am female, that I am just mistaken about what it takes to fall under that label.  they know a little about my personality and declare that it falls into the female box, regardless of genitalia I guess.  who knows maybe if I had different genitalia and the same personality they'd say I fit into the male box.  maybe they think sex is only based on genitals.  anyway, if they do think that trans people exist but just that I don't qualify, the fact that I don't feel like feminine labels fit me means nothing to them.  i don't understand why.

at least one person has said the same kind of thing about me being asexual.  like I'm not really asexual, I'm just some version of "normal", even though I don't want to have sex and find the idea kind of repulsive.

why?  why do they want to label me as normal, why do they want to refuse useful descriptions, why do they want to stretch words into meaninglessness?

goals for 6-20-17

fridge dr pepper done
mark off number of dp done
clear off livingroom table done
clear off livingroom floor done
pick up trash in livingroom done
clear off kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off kitchen counter done
clear off stove done
(clean stove after buying cleaning supplies?)
sweep kitchen/diningroom floor done
clear off bathroom floor done
clear off bathroom counter done
make sure hallway is clear done
empty livingroom trashcan done
empty bathroom trashcan meh
brush teeth
eat carrots, lentils, total, brazilnut, flaxseed, b12, d3
change clothes
put clean clothes in green laundry bag done
laundry
walk 10 miles
trivia crack
duolingo
read an entire book
clean bedroom