Monday, May 22, 2017

assorted thoughts

I've yet to see an example of "cultural appropriation" given that I even thought it was remotely plausible it was morally wrong or led to negative consequence the "appropriator" would be morally responsible for.  Also the concept isn't clearly defined by anyone ever.  Is eating at genghis grill cultural appropriation?  Does it hurt someone because of that?

Fear feels like heat.  And kind of tingly?

I'm often afraid that someone, like someone who lives in this building, or a random person I see outside, will arbitrarily be offended by something I'm wearing or I'll accidentally look at them in a way they don't like, and they'll attack me, and I won't be able to defend myself.  I'm afraid the person downstairs who has banged on the door a few times will break in with a gun and kill me.  I'm afraid to go near the door for a few hours after every time he does it, and therefore I can't go outside, and I'm afraid he's mad at me for walking around my apartment, but I need exercise, I can't just sit on the couch all the time.

Why does it feel like exercise would take up my entire day?  Oh one reason is probably that most of my day is already taken up by facebook.  If I cut that out I'd have a lot more time.  There's about 15 hours a day.  The walking I want to do would probably take no more than 4.

I've been sitting on this garbage couch for an hour because of that downstairs douchebag.  Fuck him.

I keep thinking there's something special about may 22nd.

I also don't think I'm morally obligated to not walk around my fucking apartment, even if the downstairs douchebag can hear me walking and is annoyed by it.  I can hear the people next door on both sides playing music and yelling at each other.  He should just fucking get used to it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

stress ramble

I need to walk because exercise, and I want yummy food, but I need to save money, and I need to not overeat.  I'm thinking, maybe I could go to the store and get something really cheap.  But I also need to get used to eating more um boring food.  I remember liking it in the past.  So if I ween myself off of junkfood, will I crave greenbeans again?  I'm tempted to go to the store and look around for something yummy that costs less than $3.  I'm thinking about spaghettios, but really they're not that good.  I think bread and hashbrown patties would exceed $3.  idk what else there is, but I could go look around, but I'm afraid that if i go there i'll just end up getting something more expensive.  Also I need to walk more today.  It's definitely better to just eat food I already have here.  Maybe I should just go take a bath and then I'll get hungry enough to just eat oatmeal or something, and I need to do dishes.  I haven't really been doing anything except trying to distract myself from eating by playing freecell and watching degrassi and random videos.  i can't focus enough to watch switched at birth or the fosters right now.  I hope they are still there.  I need to download something for school, it might be too late.

I keep thinking that if I can get some yummy food it will satisfy something and then I won't be stressed out anymore and then I can focus on the things I want to do long-term.  But I need to remind myself that food does not actually eliminate stress.  It just ends up making it worse.  Unless you're actually hungry, but I'm talking about eating when not hungry.

all the wrong turns

I'm 30, and I have an associate's degree, but most people seem to disregard that.  They think that if you don't have a bachelor's degree, you're a complete garbage failure.  I don't have a bachelor's degree.  I think a lot about the problems I've had trying to finish college, and there's a few points where I think if I or my parents had just changed one thing I could have had a significantly better outcome by now.

The first, most significant change I wish for is to have homeschooled from the beginning instead of going to kindergarten.  I went to daycare for 4 years before kindergarten.  I don't know why my mom sent me to daycare when we lived in austin, because I thought my dad's work schedule was opposite my mom's. Maybe he worked during the day back then, or maybe he thought I'd be too loud and he needed to sleep, or maybe they thought a sleeping parent wasn't enough supervision for a 3-5-year-old.  But once I was 5 I started playing outside by myself for hours, sometimes I went an entire day without even seeing my parents.  When I was 6 or so, I started being left alone home for a couple of hours sometimes.  When I started taking the bus home, sometimes I'd be alone for a while after my dad left and before my mom got home.  So, even if my parents wanted me to go to kindergarten, so they could use it as daycare, there would have been a point at which they probably would have been ok with me just staying home.  The earlier the better.  I was interested in math and my mom gave me some of her old math workbooks.  I would happily have done those and read other nonfiction books instead of going to school if I'd been given the chance.  That was in 5th grade, and 5th grade was one of the worst school years.  It's hard to say if 5th or 7th was worse, but they are the top two.  We didn't have videogames, which is what people are always afraid kids will spend all their time on if they don't have to go to school.  In VA, we didn't have a playground, so my outside time was spent riding my bike or skating.  I watched tv and I read a lot of fiction.  And I did those math books my mom gave me.  I think if I'd been told "you get to do school at home now", I would have sought more educational material.  I did it anyway, even though I had to go to school, and the stuff I chose was always more interesting than the school crap.  So, either being homeschooled from age 5, or switching to homeschooling at literally any point before I did would have been an improvement.  I switched to homeschooling in 11th grade, but I think it was kinda too late to matter at that point.

When I was 15, I wanted to apply to TAMS, texas academy of math and science.  But my mom said she talked to my dad about it and they decided they weren't ready for me to leave home.  I thought, "who gives a fuck if YOU'RE ready?  it's MY life.  I'm the one who has to suffer for your decision.  And you fucking hate me, we don't spend time together, so why on earth do you fucking care if I leave????"  I didn't get an answer to that question.  I don't think I asked it.  I still can't fathom why my parents would give a shit if I'm in their house or in a dorm.  The only thing I can think of is they wanted to assert ownership over me?  or they thought they were *supposed* to care so they pretended to?  I don't know if I would have succeeded at tams, but I should have been allowed the chance to try.

In 11th grade, I switched to homeschooling because I was suspended from school for 40 days, and they said I had to go to an alternative school and the 40 days wouldn't start counting down until I started attending that other school.  The alternative school, the name of which I used to know but now can't remember, didn't offer most of the classes I was taking because I was in honors/AP stuff, doing the distinguished achievement graduation plan.  I found the whole thing ridiculous so I switched to homeschooling.  In january of the 11th grade I started taking "dual credit" college classes at community college.  At some point before 12th grade started, my mom said she was thinking about moving to dallas because it would be closer to her job.  Her current commute was 45 minutes.  I happily said "yes let's do that!  then I can go to a school in dallas and do their DA plan and just graduate high school a year late!"  but with no explanation my mom decided not to move to dallas after all.  Did she even consider my desires?  Maybe she considered them and decide not to move because she hated me and wanted me to suffer.

After I "graduated" from homeschooling, I got a scholarship to tarleton, because I won a math competition at the community college.  When I went to the orientation in the summer, I started realizing I really didn't want to do this at all.  I wanted to keep going to community college instead, or just go off somewhere random and get a random minimum wage job.  My mom yelled me into going to tarleton anyway.  She said "you're too smart not to go to college."  I said there are people in her own family (her siblings) who are smart and didn't go to college and are successful, but she didn't find that persuasive.  She just yelled at me (this was over the phone, I called her while I was at the orientation to tell her I didn't want to go here after all) until I agreed to go.  I'm not sure what I could have done here.  I mean, my mom could have listened to me and come to pick me up and let me just live with her and go to community college again, but she didn't want to agree to that.  What if I'd just refused to go to tarleton?  Would she have kicked me out of the house?  Would she really be that opposed to community college?

My first year at tarleton was almost basically a complete failure.  I signed up for 18 credits in the fall and then 12 in the spring.  I dropped 17 in the fall, leaving on the freshman honors seminar (one of the requirements for the scholarship) which I got an A in, because it was easy and only met once a week and required only about 30 minutes of work outside of class per week.  In the spring, I dropped 3 hours, thus using up all my drops, failed 7 hours and got an A in the 2-hour archery class.  After all that nonsense, my mom seemed to have come to her senses and didn't object when I was talking about going to community college again, BUT after I'd told her excitedly about my plan to return to CC and how great that would be because when I went there before I got A's in 8 out of 10 classes I took, and I got a B and a C in the other two, and doesn't that just bode well compared to 6 W's, 2 F's and 2 A's? she finally said "there's something that might mess up your plans.  We're moving to arkansas."  And I was like WTF why didn't you ever tell me about this before?  why didn't you mention you were THINKING about moving?  why didn't you tell me as soon as you decided?  I wanted to stay in fort worth where my friends were, and I wanted to follow through on my CC plan.  I found someone to live with, but after 1 day it proved to be too stressful, and I moved to arkansas with my parents anyway.  And my dad hated me for it.  He complained for years about how it wasn't supposed to be this crowded (4 people instead of 3) and my room was supposed to be an extra room for them to use however they wanted.  (That happened again when we moved to dallas, for a different reason.  I wasn't expecting to live with them, but then I did, and my dad complained about it, and complained that me and my brother were adults and wouldn't gtfo all the time for years.)  My mom later said she wishes she hadn't moved to arkansas.  So we both would have been happier to stay in fort worth and I could have gone to TCC.  I already had 34 credits.  It would have taken me maybe one more year to finish an associate's degree.

But we moved to arkansas.  I signed up for classes at ualr, where my mom was teaching.  I got 3 A's and 1 B.  But I was really miserable there.  I had no friends.  My mom wouldn't let me go anywhere.  Then I went back to tarleton the next semester.  It was better, I did better in classes that time, I enjoyed myself more than in arkansas, but it went downhill.  I think school-wise, it would have been better to stay at ualr.  (i did two more semesters at ualr mixed in there, though, and my grades at ualr were better, but I was depressed and at all the time and gained about 50 lbs and got up to 227.)  By the time we moved to dallas, in 2011, i'd exceeded the number of attempted hours you're allowed at in-state tuition prices, so if I'd gone to school in texas it would have cost a fuckton.  Like twice as much as before.  in 2012, I almost decided to go back to tarleton anyway, even though it would cost a lot more, but then I didn't for some reason.  Like, there was a particular reason that made me change my mind, but I can't remember what it was.

So I went back to ualr again, and lived in a dorm, because my parents weren't there anymore.  I spent the next 5 years being depressed and failing most of my classes and I took two semesters off somewhere in there due to overwhelming depression and hating school, and now here we are I'm still doing the same thing, except now I'm living in an apartment with hunter.  I am closer to graduating, but it still seems impossibly far off.

I think the last point at which I could have pulled this out of the garbage shoot is 2007, when I went back to tarleton.  If I hadn't done that, I think it would have been better in the long run.

It would have been better still if my mom hadn't take the job in arkansas.

It would have been even better still if I'd never gone to tarleton in the first place.

And before that, the possible change was homeschooling.  It's harder to predict where that would have led though.

Monday, May 8, 2017

23597820 12151919 1612114

starting # of calories = x
(x = current weight in lbs x10?)
decrease by 3 or 2 per day, 20 per week.
500 cals per day.  um.  hm.  1 mile = current weight x.3 (250x.3=75 need walk 500/75 miles, so 500/(250*.3) ie 500/(current weight * .3) ie 5000/3/weight.
So 1667/current weight gives the number of miles per day that I need to walk.
5000/3/weight = 7, weight = 5000/21 = 238   499.8
5000/24 = 208   499.2
5000/27 = 186   502.2
5000/30 = 166   498
5000/33 = 152   501.6
5000/36 = 138   496.8
5000/39 = 128   499.2
5000/42 = 120.  120*.3= 36*14 = 504
I'm down to 248 now.
This is second week.  started sunday may 7th.
01 250 jogging counts double.  decrease cals 3 or 2 per day.
02 248 49/w 1980/d ~= 13797/w
03 246 49/w 1960/d = 13657/w
04 244 49/w 1940/d = 13517/w
05 242 49/w 1920/d = 13377/w
06 240 49/w 1900/d = 13237/w
07 238 56/w 1880/d = 13097/w
08 236 56/w 1860/d = 12957/w
09 234 56/w 1840/d = 12817/w
10 232 56/w 1820/d = 12677/w
11 230 56/w 1800/d = 12537/w
12 228 56/w 1780/d = 12397/w
13 226 56/w 1760/d = 12257/w Here's about the 4th time I thought I was fat.
14 224 56/w 1740/d = 12117/w
15 222 56/w 1720/d = 11977/w
16 220 56/w 1700/d = 11837/w (start of fall semester)
17 218 56/w 1680/d = 11697/w
18 216 56/w 1660/d = 11557/w
19 214 56/w 1640/d = 11417/w
20 212 56/w 1620/d = 11277/w
21 210 56/w 1600/d = 11137/w
22 208 63/w 1580/d = 10997/w
23 206 63/w 1560/d = 10857/w
24 204 63/w 1540/d = 10717/w
25 202 63/w 1520/d = 10577/w
26 200 63/w 1500/d = 10437/w
27 198 63/w 1480/d = 10297/w
28 196 63/w 1460/d = 10157/w
29 194 63/w 1440/d = 10017/w
30 192 63/w 1420/d = 09877/w
31 190 63/w 1400/d = 09737/w Here I will be out of "obese" categorie.
32 188 63/w 1380/d = 09597/w
33 186 63/w 1360/d = 09457/w
34 184 70/w 1340/d = 09317/w
35 182 70/w 1320/d = 09177/w
36 180 70/w 1300/d = 09037/w Here's about the 3rd time I thought I was fat.
37 178 70/w 1280/d = 08897/w
38 176 70/w 1260/d = 08757/w
39 174 70/w 1240/d = 08617/w
40 172 70/w 1220/d = 08477/w
41 170 70/w 1200/d = 08400/w Cut off here and just stay at 1200.  so would take another year.

42 168 70/w 1200/d = 08400 /w
43 167 70/w "" Here's the 2nd time I thought I was fat.
44 166 77/w ""
45 165 77/w ""
46 164 77/w ""
47 163 77/w ""
48 162 77/w ""
59 161 77/w ""
50 160 77/w ""
51 159 77/w "" Here I will be out of the "overweight" categorie.
52 158 77/w ""
53 157 77/w ""
54 156 77/w ""
55 155 77/w ""
56 154 77/w ""
57 153 77/w ""
58 152 77/w ""
69 151 84/w ""
60 150 84/w ""
61 149 84/w ""
62 148 84/w ""
63 147 84/w "" Here's the 1st time I thought I was fat.
64 146 84/w ""
65 145 84/w ""
66 144 84/w ""
67 143 84/w ""
68 142 84/w ""
79 141 84/w ""
70 140 84/w ""
71 139 84/w ""
72 138 91/w ""
73 137 91/w ""
74 136 91/w ""
75 135 91/w ""
76 134 91/w ""
77 133 91/w ""
78 132 91/w ""
89 131 91/w ""
80 130 91/w ""
81 129 91/w ""
82 128 98/w ""
83 127 98/w ""
84 126 98/w ""
85 125 98/w ""
86 124 98/w ""
87 123 98/w ""
88 122 98/w ""
89 121 98/w ""
90 120 98/w ""
91 119 105/w ""
92 118 Here, if I have seriously gotten up to 15 miles per day, I will probably scale back, and if my weight still falls below 110 I will gradually increase calories.

weight loss attempts again

I came up with this diet plan.
start at 2500 calories (because I weigh 250) and reduce by 20 calories every week, or 3 or 2 calories per day.  So the first day I ate 2500 cals, second day 2497 cals, 7th day 2480 cals.  I did that for a week.  Today sunday (it's monday according to the clock but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so it's sunday) I went out to eat and did not count calories.  I could easily go back on the plan tomorrow, going down to 2477 cals.  But now I'm thinking that I want to cut down to 1800 because I'm afraid that my plan will make the weight loss take too long.  I've tried to lose weight for a long time now.  I've had some success, I once lost about 50 lbs, but then fell into depression well and gained it back plus more.  I want to do something that I can stick with long term, but I also feel gross as fat as I am right now and I think that *being* this fat is contributing to my depression, for various reasons.  I'm wary of trying to stay under 1800 and then freaking out and eating 4 pizzas or something.  So I think I'll try having 2477 etc as a higher limit?  if I feel i can't stay under 1800.  I also need to start walking more and being more active in general.  I've been languishing on this couch.  I've actually been feeling weak, like I can't walk, sometimes.  So my lower goal for now will be to walk 5 minutes out of every waking hour, and my higher goal will be 7 miles per day.
If that whole "losing two pounds a week" thing can really work (again), then I think I might stop feeling gross in about 30 weeks.  That's when I would be down to 190, that's when I would be out of the "obese" categorie on the bmi chart, and that would be about how much I weighed that one time at tarleton when I was crying about bursting out of my size twelve jeans.  People say all kinds of contradictory things.  I just hope that I am not stuck being fat forever.  If it takes 4 years to get completely unfat, I can deal with that, but if after 4 years I'm still fat, actually, probably before that, if I follow this diet/exercise plan and after 1 year I haven't lost any weight, I will go to a doctor or something.  But I think I probably will, because I did before.

main current concern

I started the class late, which was a bad idea.  I knew this teacher was terrible, shouldn't have bothered with her again.  I didn't know what was going on, so I fell behind, then class was horrible, and I had no idea what to even do, talking to the teacher is awkward and uninformative, so I put it off, and I started feeling like crap and depressed and I kept thinking I'd have time later to catch up, and now that I feel up to it, the semester is over.  I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to go talk to the teacher with nothing.  But what if I need to talk to her now to get a chance at an incomplete?  Well, I'll retake the class later if necessary so I guess I'll just go ahead and work on it oh shit the blackboard might go away, I'd better download everything, then do it all then ask for a grade change.  Ugh.  I also have to do the other class, and go to my brother's graduation parties, and get a job, and study for other classes that I have to take or test out of in the future.  I wish I could ask the teacher if i could just get a fucking list of requirements from her and turn them in in august, but in my experience she says everything so vaguely no matter how many times I ask for clarification that I can never tell what in the fuck she wants me to do.
I was thinking about trying to do some stuff tonight and take it to her, but I got stressed out from some other crap and now I'm sleepy and I told hunter I would do the dishes, and I was hoping to clean my room.  At least I did laundry.  That's the only thing I've accomplished today.
Well, I also encountered a new youtube atheist who turned out to be an anti-feminist douchebag.  Ugh.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


i gave garbage resume to people and am now imagining them all laughing at it.