Wednesday, March 16, 2016

body hair, mainly leg hair

I'm afab non-binary and my pronouns are he/him/his/etc.  When I was a kid, I didn't know the word trans/transgender/transsexual.  I believed my parents that I was a girl because I had a vagina.  I believed it was literally impossible for me to have short hair, despite knowing two girls I can recall who had short hair, one of them *my sister*.  I believed it was impossible for a girl to think another girl was cute.  I was once telling my sister who I liked on Barney, and I said "I would like tina, but she's a girl" and my sister was like "yeah" like that made perfect sense.  When I was 10, the band teacher said boys had to wear pants for the concert and girls could wear either pants or a skirt.  I was mad that there was even a separate option for girls and then I told my mom that skirts were required.  But on the other hand, when McDonald's had the barbies and hotwheels, I expected to get a hotwheels and was confused and indignant when I pulled a barbie out of the box, and I traded it for a car.  When blobs started growing on my chest, I weirdly expected them to shrink back down some time soon.  When punctuation happened, I forgot about it and was surprised again every time for 5 years.

Despite all that obvious confusion about my gender (caused by a cisnormative culture) and how puberty worked, I had believed that when I "grew up" I would wear make-up and shoulder-pads and shave my legs and take birth-control pills just like my mom.  I also assumed I would be a teacher like her.  But when I was in 6th grade, I realized one of my classmates wore make-up.  And I thought, "why is she doing that?  she's not a grown-up.  we are not grown-ups.  we are eleven.  we are little kids.  does she feel like a grown-up?"  Then I found out by asking other people, that, yes, they did feel like grown-ups, more of them in 7th grade, and basically everyone in 8th grade.  Except me.  And I'm only talking about the girls, and only going by the fact that they wear make-up now.  The boys seem to follow a different schedule.  Anyway, knowing that other people my age felt grown-up when I still practically felt like a baby made me think maybe I'd never feel like a grown-up.

When I was in 7th grade, I had a crush or whatever on this boy named Tyrell.  A couple of my classmates told me that no boy would be interested in me because I didn't wear dresses or make-up.  Also, unrelatedly, someone shouted at me about my legs being ugly.  So, I guess because I had always thought it was inevitable, I shaved my legs.  And then one day I wore a small amount of make-up and a dress.  I knew within five minutes of arriving at school that it was a mistake.  I don't think anyone said anything mean.  I don't know, it was so long ago it's hard to remember all the details.  I think I just realized that this wasn't myself, wasn't something I wanted to do every day, wasn't worth it to attract shallow (sexist) boys.  So I didn't wear make-up or dresses anymore.  But I still occasionally shaved my legs, because I was afraid.  I was afraid of other people hating me, thinking I was gross, and shunning me.  I was attempting, I am horrified in retrospect to think about, to balance the potential hatred from other people if I didn't shave my legs, against my own hatred of yes shaving my legs.  It tapered off until I didn't do it at all anymore by the time I was 17.  Not that I didn't have other issues still.  When I was 16 I realized the periods were going to keep happening, and then that the blobs were not going away, and I said something to myself like "if i'm stuck with them [the blobs], i might as well use them" which I didn't end up actually acting on.

I used to always wear shorts.  When I was 6, I was too tall and skinny for pants from the store, so I only wore shorts.  I stuck with that habit, also because shorts were more comfortable.  After that person yelled at me about my legs, I was afraid to go to school with my natural legs showing.  In tennis class I had to wear shorts though, as part of the uniform, and because it makes playing easier.  Once at a tournament I said "i have my hairy legs to keep me warm" in an attempt to ward off any comments.  Like, yes I know my legs are hairy, yes I know it's weird/gross/whatever, and somehow that makes it OK right now.  I went back to wearing shorts sometimes in 8th grade.  Once in 9th or 10th grade, two people were walking down the hall talking about how one of them shaved his legs for swimming, and one of them pointed at me passing and said "look, there's a girl who *doesn't* shave her legs!"  I was already past them and in robot going-to-class mode, so I didn't have time to say anything, if I had even wanted to say anything.  I don't even know if I wanted to say anything, as I was programmed against talking to people randomly by that point, as that was considered childish and/or boyish (not allowed for girls) and had been harshly criticized out of me.  The default was by that point to just keep walking and staring straight ahead, and it required a massive effort to interact with people.

Once, in college, when I was 18, I wore a short skirt to class.  When I walked in, someone said "ew".  I don't know if they were talking about me.  If they were talking about me, I don't know if it was because of my natural legs, or because they thought I was fat or something.  But what I had been afraid of was people hating me for my leg hair.  I was afraid people would yell at me and tell me I was gross.  No one else said anything the whole day though.

When I was 23, I started talking on the phone with a new teacher at my school, and then he asked if I wanted to come to his house and have sex with him.  There's a whole shit fuck ton of other issues there, but that's straying too far from the point of this essay.  He called to tell me that hygiene was important, as if I fucking didn't know (and btw red flag), and he listed some stuff, including shaved legs.  I knew that leg hair was not unhygienic.  I knew he was not going to shave his legs.  I knew he was being sexist.  But I guess I thought I liked him anyway and I wanted to have some kind of relationship with him anyway, so I went along with it.  (Mistaaaake!)  He continued to make a big deal about leg hair and enjoyed coercing me into shaving that and my pubic hair and my underarm hair.  Like it was explicitly a sadistic thrill for him, to make me do something I didn't want to do.

These days, I don't shave anything, I don't wear make-up.  I'm not completely over all the ways of being coerced by the threat of shunning, I know there are things I still do like that, things that really don't matter, but I fear people will care about them anyway (like I sometimes feel coerced into wearing a bra), but I definitely never shave or wear make-up and I feel zero fear about either of those.

I wrote this because I read about a teacher giving extra credit to people in her class if they shaved if they were male and stopped shaving if they were female and wrote about their experiences.  When I have to pick male or female, I pick male, but there's no way I would shave my legs again for a class.  I already have experience with shaving legs, underarms and pubic hair.  And if I went with the female categorie, there wouldn't be anything for me to do, because I already currently *don't* shave anything.  I've removed body hair when it wasn't typical for *me* to do so, and I've kept body hair in defiance of other people's expectations/demands, and I've written about both here.  So would this count for the extra credit?

Sunday, February 14, 2016


I feel like everything is too messed up to ever be fixed.
but really know that can't be true.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

asexual aromantic

I did not read this whole post.

I don't even know what sexual attraction is.  I haven't found a good explanation for it to clarify whether I feel it.  But, considering there's other kinds of attraction - sensual, physical, aesthetic - I don't think I do feel sexual attraction.  It's complicated?  But I'm not comfortable identifying with any sexuality label other than asexual *even though there's one person i do have sex with sometimes*.

I don't know what romantic attraction is either.  The things people usually associate with romance gross me out.  Buut it kind of seems like I do some of them with a couple of people I know really well.  IDFK.  I still don't feel comfortable identifying with any other romantic label besides aromantic.

I don't want to call myself gay or straight or bi at all, and only "pan" if it's qualified with "aromantic asexual".  I guess part of the problem I have with it is that if I just said I'm pan, then that makes me imagine doing sexual, romantic, or sensual things with random people I just met, and that's repulsive; and I don't want anyone to think that I am into that.  I don't want anyone to think they have any chance at all of  having sex with me, or holding hands with me, or slow-dancing with me.  An exception here and there (literally there's only 1 or 2 exceptions right now) might pass by, but if the other person were hoping or expecting or trying to get that out of me, I would be disgusted the whole time and stop associating with them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

just a bunch of reasons i'm not in a good mood right now

I feel like poo right now.

I have a lot of homework, but I'm work, not actually doing any work, but I don't feel comfortable here so I can't really do homework here.

I need to blow my nose, but I always need to blow my nose and sometimes I need a break from blowing my nose.

I hate going to class and felt I couldn't face it without some junk food so I ate some chips and candy and pop.

I happened upon an old post of mine which led to other old posts and i was reminded of people being terrible.

There were agreeing comments from an old friend of mine on one of the posts who actually isn't that old of a friend, since I only met him 5 years ago, but one year ago he decided to completely stop talking to me, supposedly because I'm a feminist.

There were also comments on another of those posts from someone else who is sort of still my friend, but we don't talk very often and he was disagreeing with me and i think he had a crush on me in the past but now acts in a "just friends" stereotypical way which doesn't make sense to me and makes me sad, and I'm mad that he was disagreeing with me on that post because what he said didn't make sense and still doesn't.

I still feel slightly sad about melanie.  But I know that she was actually this terrible person for years if not the whole time.

I'm sad that I'm not friends with missy anymore.

I'm sad and disgusted that missy has been sucked up by modesty culture and believes that skirts are more "modest" than pants.  Does she think that james, who wears pants, is being immodest?  Or is it only immodest for women to wear pants?  Or only for people with vulvas?  Is it immodest because you can see where the person's legs meet, which I have heard people say before?  If so, why the fuck would that not apply to anyone who has legs, not just people with vulvas or women?  Why does the word modest mean "covering up your body" but also mean "not bragging about accomplishments"?  Does missy think that skirts are less sexual than pants?  Why would missy think that skirts are less sexual, given that boys say all the fucking time that skirts and dresses are way "hotter" than pants?  Does missy think that it's ok for women to be turned on by men's crotches or does she think that women don't get turned on by men's crotches?  Does she know or care that she is contributing to the objectification of women by participating in "modesty"?

melanie, missy, nicole, ben, mark, thomas.  Mark just disappeared.  I haven't much tried to keep in contact, he tried even less.  thomas unfriended me, melanie unfriended me.  ben is fake, nicole is busy, and missy moved away and became religious.  she was always calling herself a christian, but after moving away she actually got into it.  she and james are both creepy people now, people i would never be friends with if they were like this when i met them.

also just thinking of people who i'm not friends with anymore, anthony reed basically only comments on my posts to say "oh lord" when he thinks something is ridiculous, and it's never something that's ridiculous.  he's like thunderfoot saying "how will i ever get a date".  and he's against abortion.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Yeah, I kinda feel like "everything" is against me.

When I was in 9th grade, wtc attack happened, my school started broadcasting the usa pledge of allegiance during announcements every day. I continued my tradition of not joining in, which I had been doing ever since 5th grade. Although it was mostly irrelevant because my 7th and 8th grade schools didn't even ever do the pledge and the 9th grade school didn't do it until 9-12-01.

Anyway, someone, Amanda Free, was ridiculously mad at me for not saying the pledge, and she tried to prevent me from leaving the room during (which the vp had said I had to do if I didn't want to participate), and she stalked me through the halls yelling at me about soldiers, and she enlisted two friends of hers to throw food at me during lunch, and then two of these people pushed me in the hallway in this totally ridiculous display. Anyway, then a janitor who saw them push me told me to go tell the principal, who was in the cafeteria. [skipping some of the story here, because it's not relevant to my point right now]
Then I was in the vp's office, the same one who had said I had to leave the room if I didn't want to stand during the pledge with everyone else, and he had called other people in and other people had just wandered in to listen, andso I was LITERALLY SURROUNDED by like 6 people, including a cop with  a gun, and they were making me tell the story of how Amanda and her friends had been harassing me for the past two weeks for the 3rd time, and I was starting to get unnerved by all these people in the room, in the tiny office, and one of them was looking at me with this intense look of disgust and hatred, like she thought I was literally the worst person ever in the whole world, just because I didn't want to involve myself in their pledging tradition. Everyone in the room looked hateful. That one person was the worst, but I was surrounded by enemies. (skipping the rest of the story, but it ended with me being suspended from school for three days and paying a 526$ fine and going to court to be yelled at by a judge. And the actual criminals had no repercussions at all.)

I don't want to ever be in that situation again. So the housing director wants to meet with me. I'm talking to a secretary or something and I say I'll talk to the director on the phone. But then she says it has to be in person. Why? I point out to her that sounds like it's INTENDED to be threatening to me, to make me uncomfortable and put me at a disadvantage. I offer to meet the director in the student center where there will be lots of other people around. She says no because "this is her office and this is where she does her work". Um ok, but that's not where I do my work. She's the one who wants to meet with me, but she won't use the phone or walk to another building.

She said either schedule an in-person meeting right now or I'm referring it to the dean of students. I said I'm not going to meet in a secluded space with ANYONE repeat repeat repeat like 12 times, until I said "OK bye".

Then I called the dean of students and left a message for him to call me because of course he wasn't there. (Sidenote, I think the dean of students should be available to students.)

Anyway I think this will all somehow result in me being kicked out of the dorms. It doesn't matter if I'm right. Things literally never go my way.


So I said I want to do homework this weekend and maybe just stay home and not even go to Hunter's house. I'm not sure what would be most conducive to me doing homework but probably staying in the same place the whole time would be best and that same place most likely can't be Hunter's house. For one thing I'd have to leave on Sunday night which cuts out a little of the time between now and Monday afternoon when my next math class is; and on top of that Hunter probably doesn't even want me to just hang out at his house and even more probably not to spend the night because CRAZY zach will get mad and Hunter's afraid he'll then be kicked out. And I don't want to go *out* and do anything, and Hunter also wants to do homework and says he can work best in his room. So we have to be separate to do homework most effectively. He said he would spend the night with me on Friday night and Saturday night, as usual. But IME that's not hanging out, he just wants to come in and go to sleep. So I wanted to hang out today. He said he has so much homework he thinks he should do some today too. I said if he stays till 6 that still leaves 3 hours to do homework before going to bed at 10. He said he needs 5 hours because if it's less than that if he thinks about doing homework he goes "but it's almost time for bed!" So he can't start homework after 5:00. So I said stay till 4:30 and he said "no!" like he shouted it all horrified, and I said 4:00 and he was like no I need to relax and stuff before I start homework! And I was like wtf I thought you just needed 5 hours total. And I didn't voice this but again I was thinking why can't the "relaxing" happen with me? Why?? If he leaves here at 4 that's still more than half an hour to "settle in" at home or whatever. But no he says he just wants to see me for 5 minutes because he needs THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF TIME POSSIBLE. And he needs to RELAX IN HIS OWN HOUSE! Why? So he wants to go home right after class and get home at 3:30 and relax for 1.5 hours and then do homework and also eat supper and take a bath and etc he said. I understand the 5 hours thing, but not why he needs 1.5 hours of relaxing AWAY FROM ME. Does he even like me!? I guess it's not specifically away from me. He wouldn't mind if I were there too, but he would want to like watch stupid videos and stuff rather than talking to me or playing a game with me. Idk if this is normal, if I'm being too demanding or if it's reasonable to want to hang out with your bf for an hour before not hanging out at all for 3 days straight.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

rambles about school

The things I need to do for school
study still like 100 pages of math (by december 2nd)
read that theater book
maybe study for that literature test

secondarily, study a million pages for computer science

I'm afraid I'm going to get kicked out of the dorm.  The RA texted and said there's a letter for me from housing.  I sent them an email a while ago complaining about stuff and then they wanted me to come and talk but every day I've never felt like it and/or forgot until after 5, and anyway I don't want to go be in an office with someone who might be going to yell at me.  I know what it could be like.  Like the time I tried to report amanda free for stalking me and stuff and instead i was surrounded by more people, the vice principal and office workers and the school cop, who hated me.  I don't want to go in to that.  So I guess I'll call them... but I still don't know what's going to happen.  It just seems to be my experience that any time I complain about anything, things get worse for me.  And if I can't live on campus next semester, I'm not sure how I could finish my degree.  That would be a relief.  I could just go live in dallas again.  And I could look for a non-shitty job.  IDK what to do about hunter.  I hate that he doesn't have, like, the same kind of priorities as I do.

Actually, for the math, I'd need to turn in my homework by november 25th, and the test would be on the 7th or something.  Wow, so that's 10 days.  Even when I've tried to pay attention and study my math, I haven't been able to do 10 pages per day.  Maybe 3.