Thursday, February 11, 2016

asexual aromantic

I did not read this whole post.

I don't even know what sexual attraction is.  I haven't found a good explanation for it to clarify whether I feel it.  But, considering there's other kinds of attraction - sensual, physical, aesthetic - I don't think I do feel sexual attraction.  It's complicated?  But I'm not comfortable identifying with any sexuality label other than asexual *even though there's one person i do have sex with sometimes*.

I don't know what romantic attraction is either.  The things people usually associate with romance gross me out.  Buut it kind of seems like I do some of them with a couple of people I know really well.  IDFK.  I still don't feel comfortable identifying with any other romantic label besides aromantic.

I don't want to call myself gay or straight or bi at all, and only "pan" if it's qualified with "aromantic asexual".  I guess part of the problem I have with it is that if I just said I'm pan, then that makes me imagine doing sexual, romantic, or sensual things with random people I just met, and that's repulsive; and I don't want anyone to think that I am into that.  I don't want anyone to think they have any chance at all of  having sex with me, or holding hands with me, or slow-dancing with me.  An exception here and there (literally there's only 1 or 2 exceptions right now) might pass by, but if the other person were hoping or expecting or trying to get that out of me, I would be disgusted the whole time and stop associating with them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

just a bunch of reasons i'm not in a good mood right now

I feel like poo right now.

I have a lot of homework, but I'm work, not actually doing any work, but I don't feel comfortable here so I can't really do homework here.

I need to blow my nose, but I always need to blow my nose and sometimes I need a break from blowing my nose.

I hate going to class and felt I couldn't face it without some junk food so I ate some chips and candy and pop.

I happened upon an old post of mine which led to other old posts and i was reminded of people being terrible.

There were agreeing comments from an old friend of mine on one of the posts who actually isn't that old of a friend, since I only met him 5 years ago, but one year ago he decided to completely stop talking to me, supposedly because I'm a feminist.

There were also comments on another of those posts from someone else who is sort of still my friend, but we don't talk very often and he was disagreeing with me and i think he had a crush on me in the past but now acts in a "just friends" stereotypical way which doesn't make sense to me and makes me sad, and I'm mad that he was disagreeing with me on that post because what he said didn't make sense and still doesn't.

I still feel slightly sad about melanie.  But I know that she was actually this terrible person for years if not the whole time.

I'm sad that I'm not friends with missy anymore.

I'm sad and disgusted that missy has been sucked up by modesty culture and believes that skirts are more "modest" than pants.  Does she think that james, who wears pants, is being immodest?  Or is it only immodest for women to wear pants?  Or only for people with vulvas?  Is it immodest because you can see where the person's legs meet, which I have heard people say before?  If so, why the fuck would that not apply to anyone who has legs, not just people with vulvas or women?  Why does the word modest mean "covering up your body" but also mean "not bragging about accomplishments"?  Does missy think that skirts are less sexual than pants?  Why would missy think that skirts are less sexual, given that boys say all the fucking time that skirts and dresses are way "hotter" than pants?  Does missy think that it's ok for women to be turned on by men's crotches or does she think that women don't get turned on by men's crotches?  Does she know or care that she is contributing to the objectification of women by participating in "modesty"?

melanie, missy, nicole, ben, mark, thomas.  Mark just disappeared.  I haven't much tried to keep in contact, he tried even less.  thomas unfriended me, melanie unfriended me.  ben is fake, nicole is busy, and missy moved away and became religious.  she was always calling herself a christian, but after moving away she actually got into it.  she and james are both creepy people now, people i would never be friends with if they were like this when i met them.

also just thinking of people who i'm not friends with anymore, anthony reed basically only comments on my posts to say "oh lord" when he thinks something is ridiculous, and it's never something that's ridiculous.  he's like thunderfoot saying "how will i ever get a date".  and he's against abortion.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Yeah, I kinda feel like "everything" is against me.

When I was in 9th grade, wtc attack happened, my school started broadcasting the usa pledge of allegiance during announcements every day. I continued my tradition of not joining in, which I had been doing ever since 5th grade. Although it was mostly irrelevant because my 7th and 8th grade schools didn't even ever do the pledge and the 9th grade school didn't do it until 9-12-01.

Anyway, someone, Amanda Free, was ridiculously mad at me for not saying the pledge, and she tried to prevent me from leaving the room during (which the vp had said I had to do if I didn't want to participate), and she stalked me through the halls yelling at me about soldiers, and she enlisted two friends of hers to throw food at me during lunch, and then two of these people pushed me in the hallway in this totally ridiculous display. Anyway, then a janitor who saw them push me told me to go tell the principal, who was in the cafeteria. [skipping some of the story here, because it's not relevant to my point right now]
Then I was in the vp's office, the same one who had said I had to leave the room if I didn't want to stand during the pledge with everyone else, and he had called other people in and other people had just wandered in to listen, andso I was LITERALLY SURROUNDED by like 6 people, including a cop with  a gun, and they were making me tell the story of how Amanda and her friends had been harassing me for the past two weeks for the 3rd time, and I was starting to get unnerved by all these people in the room, in the tiny office, and one of them was looking at me with this intense look of disgust and hatred, like she thought I was literally the worst person ever in the whole world, just because I didn't want to involve myself in their pledging tradition. Everyone in the room looked hateful. That one person was the worst, but I was surrounded by enemies. (skipping the rest of the story, but it ended with me being suspended from school for three days and paying a 526$ fine and going to court to be yelled at by a judge. And the actual criminals had no repercussions at all.)

I don't want to ever be in that situation again. So the housing director wants to meet with me. I'm talking to a secretary or something and I say I'll talk to the director on the phone. But then she says it has to be in person. Why? I point out to her that sounds like it's INTENDED to be threatening to me, to make me uncomfortable and put me at a disadvantage. I offer to meet the director in the student center where there will be lots of other people around. She says no because "this is her office and this is where she does her work". Um ok, but that's not where I do my work. She's the one who wants to meet with me, but she won't use the phone or walk to another building.

She said either schedule an in-person meeting right now or I'm referring it to the dean of students. I said I'm not going to meet in a secluded space with ANYONE repeat repeat repeat like 12 times, until I said "OK bye".

Then I called the dean of students and left a message for him to call me because of course he wasn't there. (Sidenote, I think the dean of students should be available to students.)

Anyway I think this will all somehow result in me being kicked out of the dorms. It doesn't matter if I'm right. Things literally never go my way.


So I said I want to do homework this weekend and maybe just stay home and not even go to Hunter's house. I'm not sure what would be most conducive to me doing homework but probably staying in the same place the whole time would be best and that same place most likely can't be Hunter's house. For one thing I'd have to leave on Sunday night which cuts out a little of the time between now and Monday afternoon when my next math class is; and on top of that Hunter probably doesn't even want me to just hang out at his house and even more probably not to spend the night because CRAZY zach will get mad and Hunter's afraid he'll then be kicked out. And I don't want to go *out* and do anything, and Hunter also wants to do homework and says he can work best in his room. So we have to be separate to do homework most effectively. He said he would spend the night with me on Friday night and Saturday night, as usual. But IME that's not hanging out, he just wants to come in and go to sleep. So I wanted to hang out today. He said he has so much homework he thinks he should do some today too. I said if he stays till 6 that still leaves 3 hours to do homework before going to bed at 10. He said he needs 5 hours because if it's less than that if he thinks about doing homework he goes "but it's almost time for bed!" So he can't start homework after 5:00. So I said stay till 4:30 and he said "no!" like he shouted it all horrified, and I said 4:00 and he was like no I need to relax and stuff before I start homework! And I was like wtf I thought you just needed 5 hours total. And I didn't voice this but again I was thinking why can't the "relaxing" happen with me? Why?? If he leaves here at 4 that's still more than half an hour to "settle in" at home or whatever. But no he says he just wants to see me for 5 minutes because he needs THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF TIME POSSIBLE. And he needs to RELAX IN HIS OWN HOUSE! Why? So he wants to go home right after class and get home at 3:30 and relax for 1.5 hours and then do homework and also eat supper and take a bath and etc he said. I understand the 5 hours thing, but not why he needs 1.5 hours of relaxing AWAY FROM ME. Does he even like me!? I guess it's not specifically away from me. He wouldn't mind if I were there too, but he would want to like watch stupid videos and stuff rather than talking to me or playing a game with me. Idk if this is normal, if I'm being too demanding or if it's reasonable to want to hang out with your bf for an hour before not hanging out at all for 3 days straight.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

rambles about school

The things I need to do for school
study still like 100 pages of math (by december 2nd)
read that theater book
maybe study for that literature test

secondarily, study a million pages for computer science

I'm afraid I'm going to get kicked out of the dorm.  The RA texted and said there's a letter for me from housing.  I sent them an email a while ago complaining about stuff and then they wanted me to come and talk but every day I've never felt like it and/or forgot until after 5, and anyway I don't want to go be in an office with someone who might be going to yell at me.  I know what it could be like.  Like the time I tried to report amanda free for stalking me and stuff and instead i was surrounded by more people, the vice principal and office workers and the school cop, who hated me.  I don't want to go in to that.  So I guess I'll call them... but I still don't know what's going to happen.  It just seems to be my experience that any time I complain about anything, things get worse for me.  And if I can't live on campus next semester, I'm not sure how I could finish my degree.  That would be a relief.  I could just go live in dallas again.  And I could look for a non-shitty job.  IDK what to do about hunter.  I hate that he doesn't have, like, the same kind of priorities as I do.

Actually, for the math, I'd need to turn in my homework by november 25th, and the test would be on the 7th or something.  Wow, so that's 10 days.  Even when I've tried to pay attention and study my math, I haven't been able to do 10 pages per day.  Maybe 3.

Friday, November 13, 2015

funding for government schools

The internet tells me that more than 10000$ per student is spent each school year.  I'm not sure if it means all K-12 schools or just "public" schools.  Whatever.  They should give some or all of that money to the kids who would be going to school and let them spend it how they choose.  They could buy more homeschooling supplies than they could ever need and still have a shitton of money left.  They could use some of the money to not starve to death.  Or whatever they want do to with it.  They could choose to go to school and spend the money on that, or go to government school instead of taking the money.  whatevs.  I'm a get better info and write an actual informative post on this at some point.

Monday, November 9, 2015

thinking about that time, vs

I'm thinking about the time ...

Near the end of the relationpoop, jesse said he wanted me to dress up in "feminine" clothes, because he said that would make his orgasms better ???? and I still erroneously believed that being a relationship meant you were obligated to do things to "make your partner happy", that you had to have a reason *not* to do something, that the default state with your partner was consent; and he was always trying to convince me that my discomfort with certain things was just social programming that I should ignore, not a legitimate feeling.  I wasn't convinced that he was right, but I couldn't even adequately explain to myself why he was wrong, let alone convince him he was wrong.  But I did draw one line:  I said I wouldn't dress the way *he* wanted where anyone but him could see.  And I think since he could see that I actually would not mind wearing dresses while alone with him in his apartment, he decided to demand something more.  He took me to vctrias scrt and told me exactly what to get.  He waited outside.  I told him to wait outside because I didn't want it to be obvious to the employees that I was a pathetic piece of garbage being bossed around by his abusive rapist piece of shit boyfriend monster.  I wonder if the employees could tell I was mad or something.  I wonder if they guessed I was being coerced, but the pissed off look on my face or the fact that I said the names of the products like it was from a shopping list.  Or did they misinterpret my attitude as embarrassment.  They were completely professional.  I didn't want them to be.  I wanted them to notice that something was wrong and tell me I didn't have to do it.  If someone else would have supported my resistance I think I could have stood up to him.

After I got the stuff, it was in a bag with the store name on it, and I went out into the mall where he was waiting on a bench and I dropped the bag next to him and I said that I would not carry it around.  And he was like "Oooh yeah, that would be feminine gender expression, I'm impressed you thought of that.".  At the time I thought it was just yet another instance of him thinking I'm dreadfully stupid and being surprised any time I understand anything.

One time when I was cleaning his room, I hid the things inside my desk that he was using and he still has possession of waah i want my desk back and my bed and my shelves and my super mario advance 2, but I'm fine with him keeping the dryer.  Anyway I hid the things and he didn't even mention them for a while, I don't remember for sure if he even ever found them while I was there.

After he bought them he tried to remind me to take them home with me and i was like no fuck you they're yours.  I don't even know why i was staying with him at that point.  I didn't know why.  I wasn't getting any enjoyment out of it anymore, I just somehow felt like I didn't have a choice.